cried all day

debcanmcg
debcanmcg Member Posts: 32
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
It will be 11 months tomorrow since my husband of 32+years passed away. When I got to work today all I did was cry. I do nails and when a customer would come in and my mind would wonder all I could do was to get up and go have a cry. My heart hurts I want the bad memories to go away I don't want to shut my eyes and see him dieing over and over again. They say it gets easier with time but mine seams to get worse. The lonely ness the dicessions I have to make wondering am I making the right ones. I have customers (a Lot) that are widows most in their late 60s or 70's, loney widows. I see myself in them and I get so depressed. Our lives were just getting back to being good (lost daughter at the age of 15 in car wreck-91) He helped me through that, but noone can help me through this. This litterly makes me sick to my stomach.

Comments

  • CanadaSue
    CanadaSue Member Posts: 339 Member
    #2
    Hi,

    Sorry for all that you have been thru and what you are going thru now. My heart goes out to you!

    Maybe aside from work, you could take up a hobby, something to take your mind off things for a while, or visit with friends. Is there anyone you can talk to like a minister....they can usually help out in your situation. Have you tried grief councilling (group)?

    Please do not feel you are alone, everyone on this board is here for you! E-mail me here if you would like.


    ((((hugs))))

    Sue
  • hopefulone
    hopefulone Member Posts: 1,043 Member
    #3
    Hi. I am so sorry and I know it probably doesn't help a lot, but just want you to know that you are in my prayers . I've been married the same amount of time and right now we are facing a long road and even thinking about it makes me cry. I hope that we can give you some small measure of support on this board. I agree with Sue about also talking to a minister, priest, grief counselor etc. It may help. I read a sign on the way home from work today posted on a small rural church that said "you never walk alone" . I know it may seem like it at times, but I hope it helps to know that we care and that God is always with us , especially in our darkest moments. Your not alone. God Bless. Email here anytime you want to "talk" . Hugs, Diane
  • robswife
    robswife Member Posts: 2
    #4
    hopefulone said:

    Hi. I am so sorry and I know it probably doesn't help a lot, but just want you to know that you are in my prayers . I've been married the same amount of time and right now we are facing a long road and even thinking about it makes me cry. I hope that we can give you some small measure of support on this board. I agree with Sue about also talking to a minister, priest, grief counselor etc. It may help. I read a sign on the way home from work today posted on a small rural church that said "you never walk alone" . I know it may seem like it at times, but I hope it helps to know that we care and that God is always with us , especially in our darkest moments. Your not alone. God Bless. Email here anytime you want to "talk" . Hugs, Diane

    I lost my husband of 32+ years just 14 weeks ago. I have no words of hope for you just that I've been told it does get easier with time. I can't foresee that at this moment but that's what everyone keeps telling me. Just take it one day at a time. I can't see past today let alone next week, next month, next year. The only consolation I have is knowing that he is in Heaven and waiting patiently for my time to join him.
  • hopefulone
    hopefulone Member Posts: 1,043 Member
    #5
    robswife said:

    I lost my husband of 32+ years just 14 weeks ago. I have no words of hope for you just that I've been told it does get easier with time. I can't foresee that at this moment but that's what everyone keeps telling me. Just take it one day at a time. I can't see past today let alone next week, next month, next year. The only consolation I have is knowing that he is in Heaven and waiting patiently for my time to join him.

    My deepest sympathies on your loss also. God Bless you and give you strength . My mom passed a few years back , my motherinlaw, my father and all my grandparents, and my husband is currently battling cancer at the age of 53. I find some consolation in believing in a "hereafter" and reunion with loved ones and I think your advice of taking one day at a time is all we can do. I have no doubt that one day we will all be shedding tears of joy in heaven at our reunion with our loved ones. Peace to you and God Bless. Diane
  • ajcmama
    ajcmama Member Posts: 3
    #6
    In 1985 just 3 days after becoming engaged, my fiance was killed in a car wreck. 7 years later I married & have one son - husband was bipolar and I had to leave. Now 8 years later I met a wonderful GOOD man - wedding was to be in April. Now he has advanced colon cancer-we just found out. Have cried for nearly two weeks straight and I can't believe I am living the nightmare again. In addition, I have lost both my parents (to cancer), a sister, a niece a newphew and several close cousins in the past two years. Having survived these losses, I know it WILL get better eventually. Please make sure you have someone you can talk to -- even just to cry with. Tears are healing and 11 months is not really all that long. It may take longer, but sharing your grief and finding others who need your help and love is the only way I survived any of the things I have lived through. God keep you and give you peace.
  • hopefulone
    hopefulone Member Posts: 1,043 Member
    #7
    ajcmama said:

    In 1985 just 3 days after becoming engaged, my fiance was killed in a car wreck. 7 years later I married & have one son - husband was bipolar and I had to leave. Now 8 years later I met a wonderful GOOD man - wedding was to be in April. Now he has advanced colon cancer-we just found out. Have cried for nearly two weeks straight and I can't believe I am living the nightmare again. In addition, I have lost both my parents (to cancer), a sister, a niece a newphew and several close cousins in the past two years. Having survived these losses, I know it WILL get better eventually. Please make sure you have someone you can talk to -- even just to cry with. Tears are healing and 11 months is not really all that long. It may take longer, but sharing your grief and finding others who need your help and love is the only way I survived any of the things I have lived through. God keep you and give you peace.

    ajc. sorry you've been through so much and are going through so much. My husband has same dx. with liver mets. There have been many advances in this area so keep the faith. Check out the posts under colorectal on this website. There are many long term survivors here who will give you much hope. God Bless
  • needclay
    needclay Member Posts: 3
    #8
    I was up until 2:30am looking at all of your messages crying. My heart goes out to all of you, I want to answer you all... wish I could type quicker. I answered a message in the emotional support site...her father has no hope, she is trying to hold it together and feels she'll fall apart as you do. Your heartache for your husband is a horrible way to go through your day. I am a dental hygienist, and as you say, It is hard holding it together- "just 3 more patients"...., My "legal" boyfriend (1st love) had (hopefully- ok now- but still not right) N.H.L. of the tonsillar region recently, and now, my brother was just diagnosed with Sq.c.c. of the neck region- (add his hemophilia to the mix). I wonder how the two most important people in my life could have to go through this??? Whats next??? It makes me sick to my stomach... but now my boyfriend and I are like roommates, if that.. there's allot of reasons why, but I dont know if I see a future for us if things dont change. Things were rocky before the cancer, but since 05 when diag.d he has not been all the way there for me, and you know what.....that makes me sick to my stomach. Im so sad and lonely for him, I miss my man. This may not compare to 30+ years of marriage, but it sounds as though you had a good one, and have nice things to look back on. No - no one can truly help you through this (understand your heart-truly) but you. I have been seeing a therapist each week actually , to cope with this and other challenges I face everyday, that others do not understand, and thank god I do. I also recommend seeing a good doctor to look into anti-depressants,etc., see if that would be beneficial for you- just for a bit. In my particular case this all has saved my sanity.

    Please believe in yourself, remember you are strong, look how much you have gone through, with your daughter, and now your husband. We dont know why these things happen, and would like to scream, and rage (may be a good idea), but have to TRY to think it must happen for a reason. Did your husband suffer a great deal? Would he have had to have more crappy chemo tx and rad. etc...??/ Would your daughter have led a full life if some recovery had taken place? You must be raw inside......

    I hope you find a way to peace and calm in youself, and see what a brave and strong woman you are. Ck out this site often, its good to see people who "get it". Our husbands or loved ones may not have died, but we have seen much suffering, and are also hurting for one reason or another. There are allot of lonely people out there, some are lonely for people right next to them, which is SO sad. Dont see yourself in these "lonely widows"-- no one person has the same experience, in anything.

    I told another person to take up a class, like throwing clay.. Yes!!! For your therapy ! What you do all day is SO tedious (I know) and detailed, it can wind you up.. Go GUSH in some MUD, get dirty, and make something you can be proud of... eat your pasta out of... You would be very good at it since you have the manual dexterity. Some days recently I cried and cried @ my bother, decided - Im gonna abandon all my responsibilities (like tax prep) and PLAY WITH CLAY! for some reason, that day, it helped, in a big way.
    Oh, also It has been said that writing, and "journaling", is a good coping mechanism (as you can see.)

    ck back and update. I hope your doing better
    much lv
  • stressed
    stressed Member Posts: 24
    #9
    needclay said:

    I was up until 2:30am looking at all of your messages crying. My heart goes out to all of you, I want to answer you all... wish I could type quicker. I answered a message in the emotional support site...her father has no hope, she is trying to hold it together and feels she'll fall apart as you do. Your heartache for your husband is a horrible way to go through your day. I am a dental hygienist, and as you say, It is hard holding it together- "just 3 more patients"...., My "legal" boyfriend (1st love) had (hopefully- ok now- but still not right) N.H.L. of the tonsillar region recently, and now, my brother was just diagnosed with Sq.c.c. of the neck region- (add his hemophilia to the mix). I wonder how the two most important people in my life could have to go through this??? Whats next??? It makes me sick to my stomach... but now my boyfriend and I are like roommates, if that.. there's allot of reasons why, but I dont know if I see a future for us if things dont change. Things were rocky before the cancer, but since 05 when diag.d he has not been all the way there for me, and you know what.....that makes me sick to my stomach. Im so sad and lonely for him, I miss my man. This may not compare to 30+ years of marriage, but it sounds as though you had a good one, and have nice things to look back on. No - no one can truly help you through this (understand your heart-truly) but you. I have been seeing a therapist each week actually , to cope with this and other challenges I face everyday, that others do not understand, and thank god I do. I also recommend seeing a good doctor to look into anti-depressants,etc., see if that would be beneficial for you- just for a bit. In my particular case this all has saved my sanity.

    Please believe in yourself, remember you are strong, look how much you have gone through, with your daughter, and now your husband. We dont know why these things happen, and would like to scream, and rage (may be a good idea), but have to TRY to think it must happen for a reason. Did your husband suffer a great deal? Would he have had to have more crappy chemo tx and rad. etc...??/ Would your daughter have led a full life if some recovery had taken place? You must be raw inside......

    I hope you find a way to peace and calm in youself, and see what a brave and strong woman you are. Ck out this site often, its good to see people who "get it". Our husbands or loved ones may not have died, but we have seen much suffering, and are also hurting for one reason or another. There are allot of lonely people out there, some are lonely for people right next to them, which is SO sad. Dont see yourself in these "lonely widows"-- no one person has the same experience, in anything.

    I told another person to take up a class, like throwing clay.. Yes!!! For your therapy ! What you do all day is SO tedious (I know) and detailed, it can wind you up.. Go GUSH in some MUD, get dirty, and make something you can be proud of... eat your pasta out of... You would be very good at it since you have the manual dexterity. Some days recently I cried and cried @ my bother, decided - Im gonna abandon all my responsibilities (like tax prep) and PLAY WITH CLAY! for some reason, that day, it helped, in a big way.
    Oh, also It has been said that writing, and "journaling", is a good coping mechanism (as you can see.)

    ck back and update. I hope your doing better
    much lv

    Don't forget grabbing our hair, pulling, and yelling. It seems to help!!

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