STILL SHAKING W/ FEAR

Hi Fran, im sorry you have to be scared. It not unusual to be scared in your situation. I could tell you to stop it but that would be impossible. All I can say is if it really overwhelms you you might want to talk to your dr about a tranquilizer to take the edge off. I know they helped my father when he was anxious all the time. Also he went on a anti-depressant that helped him to. I pray that it is not proven to cancer. Keep us posted. Mindy

Dear Fran,

When I came to this site I was very scared and felt very much alone. While I had a great support system, nobody could really understand some of the things I was going through. I remember you were they very first person to ever send me a message on these boards. I'm sure you no longer remember, but I remember very well.

Now, I'm going to say to you something you said to me.

"As for this fear you have it is quite normal. I like to come and read all the success stories on this site. That is what helps me."

You made me feel normal and a part of a bigger group.

Your fear is normal, cut yourself some slack. Maybe you can read success stories, pain permitting, to help get you through your fear once again.

I have one enlarged lymph node near my surgical area. It has never changed, but it has caused me a few panic attacks and many phone calls to my oncologist. They explained to me that they often get enlarged due to NORMAL functions. Fighting illness, etc. He strongly believes that mine is enlarged due to the surgery irritating it. He also told me that once enlarged that it may never return to normal size again. I pray every day that he is right.

Also, you said that you work in a hospital, correct? Are/were you a nurse or in a position with lifting? I know MANY nurses who have back trouble due to their demanding job. Could this maybe be the cause of all your back trouble?

Plus, my father-in-law fell through the ceiling this past May. As part of his injuries, he had a fractured L-something. After the tests and xrays, the doctors couldn't say for certain that this fracture was caused by the fall or simply by aging. He is a very healthy, active man. If a fracture could just "happen" in him, could it be your case as well?

And Fran, if this truely is the beast, you have to tell yourself that you CAN deal with it. You have won against it before and can win again. It will be a fight, no doubt about that, but a fight you CAN win!

Many hugs across the miles and prayers for a good outcome,

Patricia

Fran: I think Patricia put it beautifully and I agree with her 100%. I'd like to add that you are assuming the worst, and I know the pain is not helping your state of mind or emotions. One thing that I have learned through this experience is that there is very little I can do to change the chain events that are occurring in my life (of course, I'm not referring to things I have control over such as having a good attitude, diet, etc.), I'm referring to the pieces of news that comes our way once in a while to put us in a spin. I have also resolved to live in the here and now and not waste one precious moment worrying about what might be (not always easy to do, I know). Whatever the news will be (and I pray it is not cancer), but whatever the news is, it will mean that you will have to have a new plan of attack. I do feel that in order to deal with everything that is happening to you, you will first have to deal with whatever is causing your back pain. One step at a time. I agree with others that perhaps you could use something to take the edge off so that you can deal with the anxiety and fear facing you and instead make up a new battle plan, whatever it may be. You can do it Fran. Monica

Fran,

I completely understand your emotions and thoughts you are having right now and I will explain why. I have always been a workout rat, weights, running, etc and never thought I would EVER get a disease like cancer, but my own eating and drinking habits landed me her on this board with you wonderful people. But when I had emergency surgery to remove the tumor and found out it was cancer, it did not sink in until I had the port implanted and then all hell broke loose. When the port was implanted it collasped my right lung (took 4 days). My heart rate got up to 150, really freaked me out. Did not let my husband go back to work for almost 1-1/2 weeks because I did not want to be left alone. Started chemo on 18 Aug and the Pre-Meds increased my heart rate. It would be in the 80's, 90's and low 100's on and off, which kept my mind running in directions it did not need to go. Again my husband stayed home on and off to ease my mind. On 9 October I had to have a WBC booster which was Neulasta. On 12 October I was in ER for another fast heart rate of 155. I had started back to work at this point and was exactly at work when this happened.

What I am trying to say is that from 18 Aug 06 until I finished chemo on 3 November, I was a total wreck. My mind was always thinking something was wrong or going to happen if I was left alone, etc. My husband was my savor, but so was my own mind. BELIEVE ME when I say, the mind is a very power tool. It takes alot to get it back on track, but you are VERY STRONG and will get back on track.

Close your eyes, clear your mind, put yourself on the beach with a warm breeze blowing, your hair waving in the breeze, the waves are barely touching your toes and the sound of the waves are almost putting you to sleep.

Hi Fran,

I hope your visit with the oncologist goes well.

The message Gail said made me think of this email I got recently and have read before:

God's Boxes

I have in my hands two boxes,
Which God gave me to hold
He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box,
And all your joys in the gold."

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,
Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
But though the gold became heavier each day,
The black was as light as before.

With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be!"
He smiled a gentle smile and said,
"My child, they're all here with me.."

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold and the black with the hole?
"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
The black is for you to let go."

We should consider all of our friends a blessing.
Send this to a friend today just to let them know you
are thinking of them and that they are a joy in your life.

A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end.
It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends.
But the treasure inside for you to see,
Is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.

Today I pass the friendship ball to you.