chemo completed!!!!

JoyceCanada
JoyceCanada Member Posts: 134
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Operated on 4th Jan stage III 2 lymph nodes involved.

Finished my final chemo treatment on Thursday (just before Canadian Thanksgiving week-end). We took the grandkids apple picking on Sunday and gave thanks that I had managed to survive the Chemo. WE had a very "upbeat" day and truly felt blessed.

Now that everyone has gone home and hubby has returned to work I'm beginning to drop into the "what if" stage. I'm terrified that the beast is going to come back. I'm having difficulty sleeping having nightmares "what if" this is not finished.
I'm waiting for the shoe to drop! Or the light at the end of the tunnel (train coming).

All through this I have been the most positive person.

What happened to me??? It is 12:30 and I'm sitting in my PJ's - when I should be "up and about"!!

Cat scan scheduled for 7th Nov, colonoscopy 15th Nov, final post chemo with oncologist 20th Nov.

Comments

  • mum-of-four
    mum-of-four Member Posts: 22
    #2
    Hi Joyce

    Firstly, well done for getting through it!!

    Reading your post was like reading about myself, stage 3, 2 lymph nodes, had op on 28th Dec 2005 - finished chemo 2 weeks ago. Have had my CT scan and get my results Friday. No colonoscopy till Dec.

    I know exactly what you mean about the difficulty sleeping, I went through a terrible time as my chemo was coming to an end and the CT scan was hurtling towards me. I revisited my hypnotherapist who helped me work through my feelings and I'm actually feeling ok about my "big day" on Friday. Maybe you should look into counselling of some type. I was/am extremely positive too but you can't be positive all the time so be selfish and allow yourself some "me" feelings too.

    I hope the above made sense

    Best wishes

    Kerry
  • JADot
    JADot Member Posts: 709 Member
    #3
    Whoohooo, Joyce, you've done it!

    Wow, I remember how great it felt to finish chemo. This is a huge milestone. You did it!

    I know exactly what you mean about the other shoe and the train, but hey, worrying can, by itself, weakens your immune system, the very thing which you you need to fight off things like cancer. So exercise, get involved in something, take your mind off it and just enjoy yoru life!

    Best of luck w/ the upcoming scan and the scope!

    Cheers,
    Ying
  • lfondots63
    lfondots63 Member Posts: 818 Member
    #4
    Hi Joyce!

    Whoo hoo on the no chemo! Your celebration day sounded nice. Just think how nice it is not to be on chemo. Enjoy that for a while. I know that sometimes I also get into the "what if" stage. I think we all do. I try to just keep so busy that I don't think about it. Not hard to do with 4 kids some days. Just pick yourself up and go out and do something you couldn't do while on chemo. HUGS and know that we all get this way once in a while. Good luck on all the tests. I have to talk to my onc to see about a CT scan for me. Already had the post colonoscopy which was all clear.

    Lisa F.
  • Betsydoglover
    Betsydoglover Member Posts: 1,248 Member
    #5
    Hi Joyce -

    This is great news - and what a nice time to be DONE with chemo. Your day with the grandkids sounds so nice.

    Your feelings are totally normal. I (Stage IV) took what was initially characterized as a 2-3 month chemo break starting in early December 2005 (been NED since so no chemo since). My oncologist warned me that the absolute hardest thing might be coping with NOT being treated. It's a relief to be off chemo, but while you are on it, in spite of hating it, you feel like you are doing something. And she is so right. And, also, even aside from that, just the passage of time makes you worry about that "other shoe". I wish I could tell you this feeling gets better right away, but that ain't necessarily so. I had an active spring (in the cancer diagnostic department) in that I had CT and PET scans in Feb, March, April and June (and also MRI in March & April). The frequency was due to extensive evaluations at NIH in March and April, plus regular scans in Feb and June. When I was being that intensively tested I actually coped pretty well - I mean - what can happen in a month - and I was still "doing something" - even if it was just taking off days from work and getting tested, tested, tested. I really took a dive (relatively speaking) this summer waiting 3 months from my June 29 scan to my Oct 2 scan. I feel like now I am becoming more mellow about the next one. But I don't know if the anxiety/fear of the other shoe will ever completely go away. For example, my boss and I were discussing whether to hold a certain meeting the 3rd week in December or the 2nd week in January (and DAMN if one thought in my head - unverbalized - wasn't - but I have scans the first week in January and what if they SHOW something! It wasn't a big, giant thought, but it was lingering there.)

    There is an official name for this - Damocles Syndrome (from Greek mythology - the guy with sword suspended by a single thread over his head).

    By the way, Joyce, I have had an incredibly positive attitude too. But I think we will have these ups and downs that hopefully become more UP and less DOWN as we go along.

    Take care - this is a journey that doesn't end with chemo, but that is still a HUGE milestone.

    Betsy
  • chynabear
    chynabear Member Posts: 481 Member
    #6
    Betsydoglover said:

    Hi Joyce -

    This is great news - and what a nice time to be DONE with chemo. Your day with the grandkids sounds so nice.

    Your feelings are totally normal. I (Stage IV) took what was initially characterized as a 2-3 month chemo break starting in early December 2005 (been NED since so no chemo since). My oncologist warned me that the absolute hardest thing might be coping with NOT being treated. It's a relief to be off chemo, but while you are on it, in spite of hating it, you feel like you are doing something. And she is so right. And, also, even aside from that, just the passage of time makes you worry about that "other shoe". I wish I could tell you this feeling gets better right away, but that ain't necessarily so. I had an active spring (in the cancer diagnostic department) in that I had CT and PET scans in Feb, March, April and June (and also MRI in March & April). The frequency was due to extensive evaluations at NIH in March and April, plus regular scans in Feb and June. When I was being that intensively tested I actually coped pretty well - I mean - what can happen in a month - and I was still "doing something" - even if it was just taking off days from work and getting tested, tested, tested. I really took a dive (relatively speaking) this summer waiting 3 months from my June 29 scan to my Oct 2 scan. I feel like now I am becoming more mellow about the next one. But I don't know if the anxiety/fear of the other shoe will ever completely go away. For example, my boss and I were discussing whether to hold a certain meeting the 3rd week in December or the 2nd week in January (and DAMN if one thought in my head - unverbalized - wasn't - but I have scans the first week in January and what if they SHOW something! It wasn't a big, giant thought, but it was lingering there.)

    There is an official name for this - Damocles Syndrome (from Greek mythology - the guy with sword suspended by a single thread over his head).

    By the way, Joyce, I have had an incredibly positive attitude too. But I think we will have these ups and downs that hopefully become more UP and less DOWN as we go along.

    Take care - this is a journey that doesn't end with chemo, but that is still a HUGE milestone.

    Betsy

    Hi Joyce,

    Well done for getting through chemo!

    This was almost the exact same message I posted after finishing chemo.

    I thought, hey this is great! Now, I can get back to my baby, start decorating my new house, and get on with my life and with my husband. NOT!!!

    I had many sleepless nights and the tears wouldn't stop coming. I was so tired that I thought I would never return to normal.

    I started searching online for help and found these boards. It helped me tremendously to hear that I was not some sort of negative freak... there are many who felt exactly as I did and now how you feel.

    Now, do as already advised. Get involved in something. For me, I started excercising again and started juicing. I started eating better - very few refined foods and sweets and a lot more veggies and fruits.

    There are no guarantees. All we can do is try our hardest to keep the beast from coming back. If it does come back we will fight our hardest once again.

    Ever since my first post here, I have been much better. The "what if" creeps back once in a while, but not so much. Usually venting my feelings helps me to put those doubts back where they belong.

    HUGS to you and here's to hoping that you find your nights once more filled with sleep. I have to admit that I still wake multiple times a night but I hope that will stop some day.

    Patricia
  • oneagleswings
    oneagleswings Member Posts: 425 Member
    #7
    Hey Joyce:
    Celebrate your chemo being finished...and try try try to take it one day at a time..none of us know what is in store in the future..case in point..I saw in our local paper this week a beautiful 23 year old misjudged a curve, rolled her car and is gone....try not to dwell on the what if's and remeber what AndreaE's trademark staement was..Cancer may kill me...but NOT TODAY.
    Take care
    Bev
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #8
    YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA!!!!!

    NAKED HAPPY DANCE!!!!!!!

    Hugs, Kathi
  • nudgie
    nudgie Member Posts: 1,478 Member
    #9
    CONGRATS on finishing your chemotherapy. I can't wait until I am finished. I haven't completed by treatment, but I still have the "what if" thoughts, like, what if this treatment is not working, what if it did spread and they didn't see on the tests, etc., but remember the OLD saying, mind over matter. The mind is a powerful organ and tool. Every day I tell myself that I will win this fight and I ask the Lord to also give me the strength to win this fight because some days I am just soooo bitchy.

    Keep positive thoughts, start a new hobby, volunteer work, etc., you'll be surprised how quickly those thoughts will disappear, also just remember the Holidays are right around the corner.

    Sending huges and kisses
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #10
    KathiM said:

    YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA!!!!!

    NAKED HAPPY DANCE!!!!!!!

    Hugs, Kathi

    BTW, a bit of perspective....3 months after I was finished I was told I had breast cancer...it started again...
    BUT my point here is: If the other shoe should ever drop, you will do the same as the first shoe...fight the beast like heck!!!! AND, like me, have the second VICTORY even sweeter!!!!

    HUGS from a been there/done that! (now NED 4 ever!)
    Kathi
  • DK2006
    DK2006 Member Posts: 126
    #11
    Hi Joyce!
    Awesome job on finishing chemo!!
    I've been done with chemo for 4 months now,
    and I still struggle with the "what if". I can offer no advice to you, except to tell you that you are not alone with this struggle.
    Congratulations on your completion of chemo.
    Donna
  • impactzone
    impactzone Member Posts: 555 Member
    #12
    DK2006 said:

    Hi Joyce!
    Awesome job on finishing chemo!!
    I've been done with chemo for 4 months now,
    and I still struggle with the "what if". I can offer no advice to you, except to tell you that you are not alone with this struggle.
    Congratulations on your completion of chemo.
    Donna

    Congrats from someone just starting. You give me strength and hope!
    Lots of Love
    Impactzone
  • jsabol
    jsabol Member Posts: 1,145 Member
    #13
    Hey Joyce,
    First of all, CONGRATS on completing chemo, but welcome to the waiting room; suddenly 5 years sounds a long way off, but the time does pass.
    It is nearly 2 a.m. here, and the reason I am on the boards now is that I am having a CT scan this week...now part of my 6 month followup. I was stage III, 1 node, colectomy in 11/03. By my count I will be 3 years out next month; by my onc's count, it's 2 and a half years post chemo. I had the same panicky feelings when chemo stopped, and the good news is that it does get better, but that shoe, light or sword can always be there. Over time, the intensity of my worry diminished greatly. I am also generally pretty positive, or at least accepting, about those things that are beyond my control. It helped to realize that recurrance IS beyond my control, and we do have lives to live! Any one of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Works for me, except the few days before tests!
    So, use all your best coping techniques, forgive yourself for worrying, but don't let it consume you. I know now that the nervousness will happen and wait for it to pass.
    Best of luck to you on the upcoming followup exams. My scan is Wednesday, my colonoscopy on 11/17. I may be lurking then, too! Judy

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