after the cure

terato said:

I was first diagnosed in 1980. My employer, at the time, did not consider me productive enough, so he terminated me, but "allowed" me to retain my group health coverage. It took quite a long time for me to find employment, even when I concluded chemo. My psychiatrist actually said, "Why are you depressed, you survived?" My wife left me, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise! No one ever allowed me to grieve the loss of my testicle, lymph nodes, the ability to father children. I was only 28 at the time, damn it, and I could not even ejaculate! By what right did my boss, wife, her family, my psychiatrist have to question my "right" to be depressed?

I went through the same crap following my brother's suicide in '94. People just wanted me to "get over it". Had I found him on the battlefield, they would have called it PTSD. However, I found him in his apartment with an electric cord around his neck, so I was supposed to put it all behind me in a few weeks and get on with life.

Those who are unafflicted by sickness and loss often have no concept of what we go through. Fortunately, I found a good psychiatrist who recognized that I had never fully resolved my sense of loss about my cancer and could not even begin to deal with my brother's death until the earlier loss had been resolved. In the meantime, I had attempted to cope with my series of losses with alcohol and a series of dead-end relationships.

I recently lost my mother and refrained from getting drunk. I have also backed off from well-meaning friends who wanted to "fix me up" with unattached women friends, for now. If I ever do marry again, it will be when I am whole again, at least in heart, mind, and spirit. I guess I finally know myself well enough now to know when I am ready for further challenges. I pray that you will be, also.

Rick

soccerfreaks said:

Some nice answers, my friend. I hope that you heed them. But I think your problem is something else. You are speaking of finances and expectations for your return as the primary breadwinner, for starters, if I am not mistaken.

I am new to this site, and have been a cancer survivor for only most of a year so far, but my mother died of cancer and both of my sisters had cancer and my bsst friend had cancer, and I am convinced beyond doubt that one of the ignored effects of this disease is guilt. It blows me away that this is so, because one does not feel guilt for catching a cold or getting the flu or contracting whatever other virus or disease is out there, but there seems to be this guilt thing associated with cancer. I will tell you that I am surviving cancer of the tongue and neck, thus far, and that I smoked like a fiend and did my share of beer drinking, and so I know I brought my particular brand of cancer upon myself. And yet, I don't feel guilt about causing the cancer. I feel guilt about having the cancer and about what it has done to my finances and my family ... and I am a computer programmer married to a registered nurse! I HAVE great medical benefits and the opportunity to rehabilitate...and yet I went back to work two, three months before I was "supposed to"...out of guilt?

Look, it's not enough for you to get on this site and listen to the nice things people have to say about you. Your family, the people who do not understand, need to get on this site, too.

Let me tell them: I am not a master carpenter, I do not have to go out and work in a physical manner everyday. I merely have to sit at a desk and think and type...and yet...the days wear me out. My treatments are behind, but still...the days wear me out. I am never sure I will get through an entire day (okay, I may have some nutrition problems, with my particular cancer, but still)... you need your courage and your will to survive. Part of survival, eventually, is to get back up and be as much as you were before, as much as you are capable of. Nasty truth. Anything less is too much slack. But you will not be the same, as others have noted. And not just physically. They must understand that perhaps money doesn't mean what it once did to you. Life, escaped from death, may have given you a new perspective. They need to know that. Hard for you to tell them. But lots of others can. Starting with me.

Lees22 said:

Hi,

thanks for the uplifting and understanding. I'm a ten year survivor and still can't mention the "C" word around family without the cringe and the silence that follows. I find myself alone during the time for my annual screenings. A stressful "waiting for results" period.
Thanks for the supportive encouraging words.
Lees22

soccerfreaks said:

TereB is right that you can find support herein while going through that...but that is not enough for you, I imagine.

I understand exactly what you are talking about, even though I am just now celebrating year one since surgery: at work, they seem to be planning on my demise, even though there is no evidence to suggest that I should be going anywhere ...

I would strongly advise that you have members of your family take a little look at this site, through the discussion area, on the Chat site, perhaps...so that they understand you are not the Elephant Man...and that you need for them to be there for you.

I used to think there was one thing missing from the C team: the psychiatrist/psychologist for the survivor...but now I also think that there needs to be a Drill Sergeant to run the loved ones through a training course, too.

Take care