Living on Borrowed Time?

chynabear · August 2006

Here's the brief...

Serious symptoms of something wrong 8/04 and dx 10/04 Stage III CRC 1 pos lymph node day after 27th bday. Surgery; six months chemo. Clear scans since surgery.

I've had a "bad feeling" for a long time that something was wrong but no reason to believe otherwise so I just thought I was scaring myself. Turns out I was right after all.

Do any of you ever feel like you are living on borrowed time? It hit me hard when I was diagnosed, but it hit me harder after I finished chemo. I was seriously depressed and cried all of the time. I figured out how to pull myself out of the depression and started really living my life. I started eating better and excercising. I feel really good. Then, these past few days I just feel like crying and feel like I am living on borrowed time.

I'm trying to evaluate myself and realize that there are probably numerous reasons I'm all of a sudden feeling scared again.

I don't even know when to trust my "instincts" anymore. My first reaction when I was diagnosed was that I was going to die from this. I have proven that wrong, but it is always in the back of my mind. After being diagnosed, did any of you just "know" you were going to die and have since proven differently?

I know that I am probably scared because (1) it is almost exactly two years since my serious symptoms. (2) I am due for my blood work this month. My scans have been great so my Onc is waiting for 7 or 8 months for my next scan. This is starting to freak me out because I'm playing the "what if" game. I really think I am ok, but scared anyway. and (3) my daughter just turned three and I am just so grateful that I got to be there. I know that each day is a gift but still wish for more days, or gifts if you will.

Anyway, I just feel like I am going crazy again. I haven't been this scared since I finished chemo. Maybe it's just because I'm coming up on the big two year mark...

Thanks for listening.

Patricia

shmurciakova · August 2006

Hi there,
I am coming up on my 2 year mark since my last treatment in October too! I go through paranoid phases...I am still getting tested every 4 months then in October I will go to every 6 months.
I never thought that I would die when I was originally diagnosed, of course the thought has crossed my mind since then, but I think that it is a very bad thing to think about. I try to immediately put such thoughts out of my head. I am of course afraid of a recurrence but it seems to come and go (the fear). At the moment other than a cold I am feeling very well. Just focus on the fact that you are well and try putting those bad thoughts out of your mind. Every time you think something like that, just scream NOOOO!
If you don't feel comfortable waiting 7-8 months for your scans, then maybe you can talk to your oncologist about doing it a little more frequently.
I guess we are all living on borrowed time, it is just that most people don't realize it and we do. I mean, my nephew who was your age died in a car wreck this summer. He had no reason to think that was going to happen to him, but it did. You know what I am saying? So, none of us ever know when our time has come but you should try not to think about it. The only difference between now, and before you were diagnosed, is that you know that something was wrong with you that could have killed you. But it DIDN"T.
Have you spoken to any psychologists? I have on occasion and it helped me.
Take care,
Susan.

jerseysue · August 2006

Sometimes I think that but then I kick myself in the **** and keep going. You should probably talk to your onc and tell him that you would like blood work more often. I don't think he'd have a problem with that. Tell him it's for your peace of mind which you would like to keep. I don't have the magic answer but keep your chin up. Sue

scouty · August 2006

Patricia,

Sounds like perfectly normal behavior given the circumstances!!!!! I too have a very significant 2 year mark coming in Oct. (no recurrance since stopping chemo, I'm stage IV, but currently NED) and have my quarterly testing Aug 17th and it is more on my mind then ever before.

I am just trying to stay busy and do talk about it every chance I feel I need to, that really helps me. Like Susan, I'm not sure the borrowed time reference is exactly the words I would use. As a stage IV survivor who is statistically "not supposed" to be here today, I don't ever feel that way, even on my worst days.

Keep your chin up and know you have a few other squirrly ones out here feeling very much the same way!!!!!!!!!

Lisa P.

AuthorUnknown · August 2006

Hi Patricia,

I think that you are in the right path. What I mean is that you have acknowledged your fear. And once you have done it, you are going to be able to face it for what it is worth and conquer it. If you have not acknowledged your fear, there would be no way for you to win. But now you can!

I very much agree with Susan above. We all live on borrowed time. Nobody knows who is going to go first. She mentions her nephew who died in a car wreck this summer. I can very much relate to it. I myself have been in a car accident this week. The other car hit my car on the left side. A little bit more to the left and a little higher and he would have hit right in the middle of the driver door and I would have been gone. So, we are all on borrowed time. And we need to make the best out of it.

Best wishes, Eleonora

KathiM · August 2006

The unfortunate fact is....we are all going to die. Don't know when, or how...no reason one outlives the other, even the good die young.

Someone posted 'Live your life like it is the last day of it'. Good words to live by....treat people kindly, don't leave things unsaid. Get your life in order, make a will, advance directive...you could be hit by a bus crossing the street.

BUT WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO RUIN A WONDERFUL DAY BY WORRYING ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT??????
If you feel your onc is not treating you agressively enough, switch doctors. But worrying about something that may or may not happen is wasted energy and is pointless.

I was clear of my rectal cancer in May, 05....got told of my breast cancer July, 05. 2 MONTHS of freedom...I thought I was clear. Now, again, I'm 'done'....who knows if that's true for sure???? But I sure as heck am going to live life while I feel good....let tomorrow take care of itself.
Have you thought of talking to a psychologist? I have a friend who is a VERY good one....she helps people deal with stuff like this all the time.

Hugs, Kathi

DK2006 · August 2006

Hi Patricia,
I have been thinking about your post quite a bit.
Your instincts saved your life, so it's important to listen to them. I am like you in that I think about cancer all the time. (I also have stage 3a CRC with one node positive.)I don't think that it's healthy to have these thoughts about cancer all the time, but I do think that it's normal. Listen to your inner voice and live life to the fullest.
Best wishes,
Donna

spongebob · August 2006

chynabear -

Listen to that Tim McGraw song "Live Like You Were Dyin'" (It don't matter none if'n you don't like country music - it's good anyhow).

Thing is, dying is part of the deal. I mean, if we didn't get to live, we wouldn't have to worry about dying. All of us are going to do it some day. We're ALL living on borrowed time. The ancient Vikings, whom I claim as my forefathers, had a philosophy that "One should not fear death. The time and place of our demise is already written by the fates." Although I'm not a pagan like my great-greats were, I do tend to agree. It's all part of a bigger plan and we will slip the surley bonds of this earth when it is our time according to the Plan. In the mean time, we owe it to our maker and to ourselves to enjoy this life, to experience this world, and to do good to others for, as Stephen Grellet said,

I expect to pass through this world but once;

any good thing therefore that I can do, or any

kindness that I can show to any fellow-creature,

let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it,

for I shall not pass this way again.

Be well, live strong.

- SpongeBob

Living on Borrowed Time?

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