What do you do?

chelle4202 · August 2006

My 54 year old dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in November of 2005 and given a 2% chance of "beating it". We did well for a few monthes and now it has moved into the stomach, liver and pancreas. He has non small cell lung cancer in stage 4. He is rapidly losing weight and strength but his cancer facility has not given up treating him, at least when his blood is ok. He also has not given up.
I am 35 and very close to my family, I have been in denial definately since day one. How do I talk to him? What do I say, I am so afraid I will not say anything and then if we lose him I will live a life of regret. What do you do?

oldejack · August 2006

howdy,
my dad died with a similiar situation but being him had the last word.:/ he was given 12-18 months at age 77, esophageal, larynx, stomach. liver, colon, yadadayadada. i think it was the rads exposure when he was in the army during ww2.
dad made it 3 months iirc but he died of congestive heart failure, a pre-existing condition. just after his mother, my grandmother, died as a matter of fact. i had to learn real quick how to talk to him after having been raised with him absent from the home. we had just a few years earlier started to talk easily. i was 31... the denial is hard to beat but i remember driving from denver thru the rockies and 2/3rds to salt lake with tears streaming down my face after we had sat and shared ourselves privately. you may find that he has something he wants to say to you too. of course you can always talk about the price of fuel, that'll get him riled up. at his age he should remember gasoline under 28 cents a gallon. talk to him. i'm a survivor as well, we like the visits but please remember we get tired easily.
take care, jon

Janisp · August 2006

Next time you see your dad. Tell how much you love him. Also tell all the things that you want him to know, and continue to pray for him & his treatments. Tell him that you are praying for him. Also hug him

HeartJourney1 · August 2006

Hi, I'm so sorry. You all have my prayers. I'm thinking that a very good support network for you would be your dad's hospice team. Even if your dad is not on hospice, you can still contact them for some support.

I know how hard it is. No matter what you say... or don't say... please, have no regrets. What is meant to happen, will. God is in control. And... it's ok to cry... scream... whatever. Keep posting, keep getting support!

Be blessed!

pat46350 · September 2006

Chelle, I would like to add this, I was dx'd a year and a half ago. with a very rare form of cancer of the blood, there is no cure, and my family is still in denial, thank the Lord I have done very well, but I would love to talk to them about it, and they don't want to, if I even mention it, they change the subject, sometimes this is even harder on the patient, a lot of it may have to do with my attitude, I try to be very postive, but I would love to just sit and tell them exactly how I feel, I think most people with cancer feel the same way, I know my children don't want to admit it, next time you see your dad, ask him, how do you feel about all of this, just be upfront with him, this is so important, and something you will never regret. I will be praying for you, that the Lord will give you the right words to say to your dad, Prayers and blessings for you, Pat

irenedy · October 2006

Chelle, my dad is 52 and is now in hospice with only a few months left. i am 22 years old and he has been sick for the past 6 years. Every night for the past 6 years i have been afraid to go to sleep because i am scared he will not be there when i wake up. Because of that, i spend as much time with him as possible, even if its just watching TV or talking about random things. he is trying to teach my everything he knows and give me advice for my future. I do not tell him how upset i am or how much i cry, but i tell him how much i love him multiple times a day and i think that that is all that a father needs to hear from his daughter! You do not need to think of anything else, just tell him how you feel and that he means so much to you. I also tell my dad not to worry, my mom and i will take care of each other. Let me know if you would like to chat more.

chelle4202 · October 2006

irenedy said:
Chelle, my dad is 52 and is now in hospice with only a few months left. i am 22 years old and he has been sick for the past 6 years. Every night for the past 6 years i have been afraid to go to sleep because i am scared he will not be there when i wake up. Because of that, i spend as much time with him as possible, even if its just watching TV or talking about random things. he is trying to teach my everything he knows and give me advice for my future. I do not tell him how upset i am or how much i cry, but i tell him how much i love him multiple times a day and i think that that is all that a father needs to hear from his daughter! You do not need to think of anything else, just tell him how you feel and that he means so much to you. I also tell my dad not to worry, my mom and i will take care of each other. Let me know if you would like to chat more.

Are you happy with hospice? Doctors are pressing us to call them and we just don't know. Is your Dad's mental state ok? My Dad has some hallucinations (spelling???), he knows he is having them and remains calm but it bothers me to have him going through that on top of everything else. I can't imagine going through this agony for 6 years, I feel like its taking its toll on my mother and the rest of our family already just shy of one year.

irenedy · November 2006

chelle4202 said:
Are you happy with hospice? Doctors are pressing us to call them and we just don't know. Is your Dad's mental state ok? My Dad has some hallucinations (spelling???), he knows he is having them and remains calm but it bothers me to have him going through that on top of everything else. I can't imagine going through this agony for 6 years, I feel like its taking its toll on my mother and the rest of our family already just shy of one year.

Well, we have some issues with hospice, but generally, they are good, just the fact that we get a hospital bed in our house and a home health aid to come in every day for 2 hours to give a sponge bath is a huge help. my dad can no longer move on his own, so the hospital bed is great, also we have drugs at home now, like morphine, for when he gets really bad. as to his mental state,its ok. he forgets things now and has nightmares and is sometimes confused, but generally he is ok. he was worse when he was on a different antidepressant, he was completely gone and i thought that was it, until we decided to take him off some meds!!! that was scary. but if hospice is an option for you, as opposed to doing it all yourself, i highly recommend it. I can't beleive its been 6 years, you have no idea how much of life this has affected from which college i went to, to my relationships! if you ever want to talk, email me at IreneDy@gmail.com

listener · February 2007

I know how you feel. My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was only fourteen years old. I was terrified. I was close to my dad but I'll have to admit that when I found out the news, I was in denial for at least a couple months. I remember wondering why did this happen? Why is God doing this to me? What did I do?
When my dad died, the first thing I did was hit my knees and ask why. Then I asked God to help me. If it wasn't for my faith, I don't know what I would have done. Here it is almost nine years later and at times I still ask why. But then I remember that my dad is no longer in pain and that helps me.
As far as how you talk to your dad, all I can tell you is to pray and ask for God's guidance in what to say. I'll tell you this: be sure and let him know how much you love him and that you never want him to forget it. I will pray for you.

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