Short bus to Crazy Town

Hello All.

Tomorrow (Thursday, 7/13) I have a bi-lateral breast MRI and possible biopsy and I can't help but be nervous. I'm sure you wonder why I write here - why not the pink site? Drum roll please...It's been five weeks since I had a very nicely done right hemicolectomy and the **** (meet my unfashionable colon cancer) and I will share the newest trend in colon cancer cocktails next week, XELOX (Xeloda and Oxaliplatin).

Since my colon cancer diagnosis I've maintained a positive and optimistic attitude and outlook, which was easy due to my easy surgical recovery, but the past week my mind has been spinning and I'm starting to feel restless. I'm feeling apprehensive and scared. I'm only 42.

There is so much...ARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! Sorry. I just need to sink to the bottom of a deep pool and scream, and hopefully when I rise to the surface my mind will clear.

My grandmother on my dad's side was diagnosed with colon cancer at age 49 and died at 55 after it had spread undetected throughout her body. My grandmother on my mom's side died of bilateral breast cancer when she was 46. My mom is also a fighter. She beat colon cancer diagnosed in 1990 when she was 52, and again confronted colon cancer in 2001. After treatment for the colon cancer she was diagnosed with lung cancer. In 2004 she was diagnosed with stage IV cancer of the mediastinum and doctors were not very optimistic, but in spite of statistics and doctor's uncertainty she has done very well. There have been several others in my family who had various cancers, mainly breast, colon, uterine, lung and brain. So we have some cancer...we do have beautiful blue eyes, are tall, smart and hard working. Give a little = get a little.

Mom's cancers have been in check with no growth since a brutal regimen of chemo and radiation which she finished in the summer of 2004. She worried 2004 would be her last year, but here we are two years later and my mother has enjoyed life. She is a world traveler and cancer has hardly slowed her down. Sadly however, mom's doctors just found a new spot on her lung via PET and CT scans. It's possible that my mom and I will be living with chemo at the same time, mom for lung cancer and me for colon cancer. Mom meets with her oncologist next Monday and I start chemo on Wednesday. We are very close, but this however crosses the line. It's frustrating and ridiculous.

Okay I know what you're thinking. You're asking yourself how far has this nut fallen from the tree? I'm awaiting the results of genetic testing for HNPCC, the inherited form of colon cancer. While it would be great to be able to explain the many cancers in my family, I don't like what it could mean for my brothers and their kids. All will soon be revealed. Tick, tock, tick, tock, waiting, waiting, waiting...

So, back to what has me so tangled up - my MRI. I was symptomatic and had a colonoscopy on a Wednesday in May, the day I was told I had colon cancer. Two days later on Friday I had a previously scheduled routine mammogram where it was discovered that I have a lump on the left side and a collection of tiny spots on the right that were confirmed via ultrasound the same day. I mentioned that I was worried because of my colon cancer diagnosis two days earlier so doctors decided that I should take care of the colon cancer and then take care of the "probable breast cysts" later. It's now later and I'm starting to feel anxious.

I'm also anxious about starting chemo next week. Side effects and all. Truthfully, I'm a single woman who always wanted to get married and have kids, but I'm a slippery fish and just haven't let myself get caught by the right Mr. Right. I was having fun working, traveling the country and all of a sudden it seemed like fast forward to forty. You know how time flies. Anyway, kids after chemo may not work so even though I was riding the end of that wave (let's not talk about biological clocks here), it's most certainly over now. I also wonder about dating when the time is right and when I'm supposed to tell someone about having cancer. It's not like its contagious or anything, but I've learned already that people are kind of weirded out by colons. You know what I'm saying? People would rather talk about politics, religion and weight gain before talking about their colons. Really, how appealing is a girl who insists on a colonoscopy by the third date?

I've been tripped up on the whole mom-daughter cancer thing, the MRI and having to come to grips with the idea that I could end up being that crazy childless lady on the end of the block who hands out toothpicks for Halloween. And yes, I do like cats. And crap...I should know by now that a girl should never, never, never go to the hair salon when emotionally challenged. Now after a go around with a hormonal stylist who just had a baby I'm hair color challenged too. I can hardly look at myself. I catch myself in the mirror and it's like, ah - that's the sick girl with cancer.

Even though it feels like I accidentally took the short bus to Crazy Town, I realize that I have learned a lot since May and I have much to be thankful for, so I pray for my mom and desperately hold onto the knowledge that I will be fine. Yes, there is more fun in my future, this I'm sure.

I would be grateful for any comments about HNPCC, coping with gas (not petro), tips for locating clean public restrooms, chemo and perpetual bad hair days. Jokes and good humor are also nice

Best Regards,
Kat