Does anyone else feel guilty for surviving?

bcmeaks
bcmeaks Member Posts: 22
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Hi everyone. It has been a while since I've posted to this board. I am 42 years old and a rectal cancer survivor (just passed my 3 year mark). I was feeling elated when I left my oncologist office 2 weeks ago when my follow-up blood work was good. Then a couple of days later, my 16 year old niece was killed in a car accident. She was a great kid, an honor student, didn't do drugs or alcohol. It was broad daylight, on dry pavement. She just lost control of her car, hit a tree, and she was gone instantly. I can't help but wonder -- why did God let me survive and He takes this young child???? I know there are no answers, but this is really bringing me down. I've heard of survivor's guilt, and I think I went through this once before when a friend of the family passed away from esophagas cancer while I was still undergoing chemo for my cancer. Does anyone have any inspirational words for me or my sister-in-law that just lost her only child?

Comments

  • Kaye2003
    Kaye2003 Member Posts: 86
    #2
    My husband and myself have also wondered about this. But the only thing you can do is thank GOD for everyday because you will never know the answer to why some people survive and other pass. You and your family will be in my prayers.
    God Bless
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #3
    OK, my dear...here goes...belt yourself in, this is what gets me thru....
    I believe that there are certain tasks that we are expected to do in our lifetimes. Some of these are just being there, quietly influencing others by our presence. Others are lessons we ourselves need to learn. We are not allowed to know at what point we are done, only that is it different for each person.
    Plain and simple, You survived because you are not done. There are things left for you to do.
    As far as your sister-in-law...her daughter was ready, she HAD completed her tasks.
    The final thought is for her...her daughter has not left, just moved from in front of her eyes, into her heart, where she will live on.
    I am a 50 year young 19 month rectal and breast cancer survivor...
    Hugs, Kathi
  • debcanmcg
    debcanmcg Member Posts: 32
    #4
    I just read your message. I know how your sister-in-law feels I lost my daughter one week before her 16th birthday in a car wreck. And now I have lost my husband to colonrectal cancer he died 4-15-06. He was my rock when our daughter died now surviving is soooooooo hard. I wish you both the best Candice
  • vinny3
    vinny3 Member Posts: 928 Member
    #5
    debcanmcg said:

    I just read your message. I know how your sister-in-law feels I lost my daughter one week before her 16th birthday in a car wreck. And now I have lost my husband to colonrectal cancer he died 4-15-06. He was my rock when our daughter died now surviving is soooooooo hard. I wish you both the best Candice

    Candace, sorry about all the losses you have had. I think Kathi M has the right idea. We are given the gift of life with the purpose to improve the condition of others on earth and for the future. We may not know when we have completed the task so we need to enjoy and make use of each day of life we are given. We needn't feel guilty for surviving. It serves as encouragement for others. I know I have gained alot from the stories of others here who have gone through much more than I.

    ****
  • chynabear
    chynabear Member Posts: 481 Member
    #6
    I am so sorry for your families tragic loss. I believe in my heart that the only thing that could send me over the edge would be losing my little girl; my heart goes out to you and your family.

    I, like Kathi, find it helpful to believe that we are all here for a purpose. Since I was diagnosed, I realized that I have always had a discouraged attitude about life and bad things that happen. I finally opened my eyes and realized that (a) things could be much worse (b) others have it just as bad and in many cases worse than I, and (c) I now take each bad event and find SOME positive twist or lesson to be learned.

    When I found out I had cancer, I decided that if my having cancer at this age saved just one person from having to go through the same thing, it was worth it. Since I was diagnosed, I have influenced at least 3 people to get checked out because of risk factors or symptoms. In fact, every single doctor that treated me has an entirely different outlook on medicine and has taken their heads out of the books.

    I don't know the details surrounding your niece's accident, but maybe her accident could be told to other people and make them aware of just how easy it is to lose control and in an instant everything changes. Maybe her story will keep at least one other person more alert and safe.

    I think we all tend to have survivors guilt now and again. During treatment, my normal office was closed so I went to the other office. While I was having my blood drawn, a lady with no hair was beside me having her's drawn as well. She just kept looking at me (a 27 year young, healthy person). Finally, she says to me, "you don't look sick." I actually felt guilty that I wasn't bald or sicker! As if Stage III CRC isn't sick enough!

    I wasn't sure I could feel any lower until I started emailing my daddy's cousin. Her daughter has some aggressive form of cancer. She's only 37ish. From her descriptions, it is skin cancer in her blood. She's not getting very good treatment, in fact she is moving to NM to be near a better mayo clinic. She is very sick and not getting better. I almost feel ashamed every time I speak to them because I have made it (so far *crosses fingers*) and she may not.

    There are no clear cut answers. I think it all depends on your belief system. Fall back on what you believe in to get you through. If you believe in God, just know He has a plan that we don't always understand. Find one positive out of each terrible circumstance so it was not done without cause. Find support groups or counseling to get through the tough times. Just know that your cancer survival is an inspiration to other cancer patients! That is important to remember. Congrats on the 3 year mark, btw.

    Take care,

    tricia
  • Betsydoglover
    Betsydoglover Member Posts: 1,248 Member
    #7
    chynabear said:

    I am so sorry for your families tragic loss. I believe in my heart that the only thing that could send me over the edge would be losing my little girl; my heart goes out to you and your family.

    I, like Kathi, find it helpful to believe that we are all here for a purpose. Since I was diagnosed, I realized that I have always had a discouraged attitude about life and bad things that happen. I finally opened my eyes and realized that (a) things could be much worse (b) others have it just as bad and in many cases worse than I, and (c) I now take each bad event and find SOME positive twist or lesson to be learned.

    When I found out I had cancer, I decided that if my having cancer at this age saved just one person from having to go through the same thing, it was worth it. Since I was diagnosed, I have influenced at least 3 people to get checked out because of risk factors or symptoms. In fact, every single doctor that treated me has an entirely different outlook on medicine and has taken their heads out of the books.

    I don't know the details surrounding your niece's accident, but maybe her accident could be told to other people and make them aware of just how easy it is to lose control and in an instant everything changes. Maybe her story will keep at least one other person more alert and safe.

    I think we all tend to have survivors guilt now and again. During treatment, my normal office was closed so I went to the other office. While I was having my blood drawn, a lady with no hair was beside me having her's drawn as well. She just kept looking at me (a 27 year young, healthy person). Finally, she says to me, "you don't look sick." I actually felt guilty that I wasn't bald or sicker! As if Stage III CRC isn't sick enough!

    I wasn't sure I could feel any lower until I started emailing my daddy's cousin. Her daughter has some aggressive form of cancer. She's only 37ish. From her descriptions, it is skin cancer in her blood. She's not getting very good treatment, in fact she is moving to NM to be near a better mayo clinic. She is very sick and not getting better. I almost feel ashamed every time I speak to them because I have made it (so far *crosses fingers*) and she may not.

    There are no clear cut answers. I think it all depends on your belief system. Fall back on what you believe in to get you through. If you believe in God, just know He has a plan that we don't always understand. Find one positive out of each terrible circumstance so it was not done without cause. Find support groups or counseling to get through the tough times. Just know that your cancer survival is an inspiration to other cancer patients! That is important to remember. Congrats on the 3 year mark, btw.

    Take care,

    tricia

    Hi Tricia -

    You wrote:
    >>Finally, she says to me, "you don't look sick." I actually felt guilty that I wasn't bald or sicker! As if Stage III CRC isn't sick enough!<<

    My oncologist warned me last June about this. She said it is the curse of the CRC patients - often we don't look sick - doesn't mean we aren't, but it can both make us feel guilty and sometimes make others not appreciate the seriousness of what is going on.

    So, we should be grateful that we don't "look sick" (even if we are), but not feel guilty about it. I am very happy that I did not not lose my hair, but also know that my prognosis is worse than my best friend with breast cancer, even though she did lose her hair. I looked much better during chemo than she did. Just a fact of life and one that most people with little understanding of different cancers don't understand.

    Take care Tricia,
    Betsy
  • Betsydoglover
    Betsydoglover Member Posts: 1,248 Member
    #8
    My heart breaks for you (and breaks even more for your sister-in-law). The loss of a child is truly the worst loss that can be imagined.

    This kind of tragedy is really beyond human comprehension - maybe Kathi has the right idea. I think the only inspiring thing you can do is to try and do good in your life here. And support your sister-in-law who must be devastated.

    Even though it is hard, I am pretty sure we are not meant to live guilty lives because of another's tragedy. Again, maybe Kathi has something here. I personally don't claim to understand and no matter how religious you are, seemingly nonsensical tragedies like this are thusly hard to make sense of.

    Take care,
    Betsy
  • Tiamat
    Tiamat Member Posts: 5
    #9
    For lack of a better way of saying it my Dx 9/04 and surgery 10/04, heart attack 01/06 and sever GI Bleeding 03/06 [4 pints low]. So I have been at heavens gate 3 times in the last two years. And yes, I understand what your saying. I struggle with my survivorship, and the impact it has had on my family and friends. But I look at life as choices, I can say life sucks and feel the burden of anger and frustration when the unexpected happens, or I can focus on the joy of my departed loved ones, and the time we have with our families and friends. It is difficult to understand, but I try to look at the bigger picture when it's personal.

    When I was faced with a similar situation with my nephew, I spent as much time as I could on the phone with my older sister, helping her through her grief by getting her to share how special her youngest son was. Danny was just 18 and was a passenger in a car accident. Just talking to her helped me with my guilt.

    On this board their are a number of survivors, [you are one] and we participate with fear and trembling, seeking wisdon and giving encouragement, and I believe that is one of our purposes. I also agree with the others, each of us struggles with our purpose and our task in life. Your niece just completed her's early.
  • Tiamat
    Tiamat Member Posts: 5
    #10
    My first response was for you. This one is for your brother and his wife.

    ---

    Version 1

    I don't know if I ever told you, [Name] was a very special gift to me. She was a bundle of joy that brought life into your house and made your house a home.

    The kids today seem to have a lot of problems, but you have spent 16 years watching over her guiding her into a young woman. You did an outstanding job, and now she is watching over you.

    ---

    Version 2

    In the bible Jesus said to bring the little children to him. In some ways we are all his little children, Jesus wants us all to be with him. We never know when we will be called to be with him.

    I can only guess that in some way Jesus wanted to protect her from something very terrible or he would not have called her home at such a young age.

    You know how much you loved her and how much she loved you guys. That love never leaves us, and today she is in heaven waiting for us and watching over us.

    ---

    Version 3

    My version is questions that require explainations.

    What was it like to bring her home as a baby?

    Do you remember what her first day of school was like?

    ??? How is her boyfriend's family doing?

    etc.

    Side note: Women tend to support one another through life events. How is your brother doing? Guys normally don't have support through their grief, because they have to be strong for society and their wife and family. Don't forget to spend time with him, and tell him what a great job as a father he did, and get him to share why daddy's little girl was so special to him.
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #11
    Tiamat said:

    My first response was for you. This one is for your brother and his wife.

    ---

    Version 1

    I don't know if I ever told you, [Name] was a very special gift to me. She was a bundle of joy that brought life into your house and made your house a home.

    The kids today seem to have a lot of problems, but you have spent 16 years watching over her guiding her into a young woman. You did an outstanding job, and now she is watching over you.

    ---

    Version 2

    In the bible Jesus said to bring the little children to him. In some ways we are all his little children, Jesus wants us all to be with him. We never know when we will be called to be with him.

    I can only guess that in some way Jesus wanted to protect her from something very terrible or he would not have called her home at such a young age.

    You know how much you loved her and how much she loved you guys. That love never leaves us, and today she is in heaven waiting for us and watching over us.

    ---

    Version 3

    My version is questions that require explainations.

    What was it like to bring her home as a baby?

    Do you remember what her first day of school was like?

    ??? How is her boyfriend's family doing?

    etc.

    Side note: Women tend to support one another through life events. How is your brother doing? Guys normally don't have support through their grief, because they have to be strong for society and their wife and family. Don't forget to spend time with him, and tell him what a great job as a father he did, and get him to share why daddy's little girl was so special to him.

    Wow! Good point about Dad!
    Sometimes we forget about the effect of losing a child has on dad....
    Thanks for the reality check!
    Hugs, Kathi

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