Oh The Guilt

mindy10
mindy10 Member Posts: 182 Member
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Hi everyone, hope all are doing well. I just got off the phone with my mom and boy did she lay on the guilt trip. My dad got out of the hospital 2 months ago and they live two hours away from all us kids. We have all gone down once a week since, sometimes twice a week and slept over. We are doing the best we can. We all have jobs and kids of our own and bills to pay. She called today and screaming that no one came down this week to help her. We all were there this weekend but we had to leave Sunday to go back to work. We are trying to save our time for his last week of life which is any day now according to the Dr. I feel so guilty that I cant be there everyday but they live to far away. If he lived near me I would be there every day after work to visit. She is having a hard time getting him to stand and go the bathroom and I told her its time for a cathider (sp?) but she refuses to do that and does not want diapers. She is a very difficult woman and I know she is under alot of stress but I feel we can only do so much. Is there anyone else out there that felt guilty because they couldnt be there more often to help. Thanks for letting me vent. Mindy

Comments

  • jsabol
    jsabol Member Posts: 1,145 Member
    #2
    (((((Mindy))))))
    What a hard time for you all. My dad lived 400 miles away during his last fight with this disease, and my time with him was limited, too...2 young children and job at the time, plus the expense of getting back and forth. I felt frantic and worried most of the time.
    He and his home care nurse decided to have him admitted to a nursing home that did hospice care when he was too weak to get up on his own; it was too much physical care for my mom. At that point, a person almost always needs 24 hour care for toileting, bathing, turning, etc. You may want to see if there is a hospice residence near him, just a thought...Does his doctor know how much you are all struggling? Maybe they can help, too.
    You and your family are in my prayers. Judy
  • JoyceCanada
    JoyceCanada Member Posts: 134
    #3
    We had the same thing happen to us when my father-in-law was diagnosed with alzheimers. My mom-in-law would 'phone us in the middle of the night because she was "lonely". My poor husband used to get in the car drive 2 hours just to hold her hand and calm her down. It was awful for our family and caused many arguments between us. Strangely my mom-in-law played favaourites with her kids and seemed to favour the 1 son who lived 8 hours away and only MANAGED TO VISIT ONCE PER YEAR!!

    When my mom-in-law got sick my husband again was the one to be constantly at her bedside. Other son made it for the FUNERAL.

    I'm back on chemo on the 26 June and my Hubby goes in for a hip replacement on 29th June. My dear daughter has arranged to come and live with us for 1 week to help out. I didn't ask for help she volunteered, and I am extremely grateful!
  • lfondots63
    lfondots63 Member Posts: 818 Member
    #4
    Hugs Mindy!

    I would agree about the hospice nurses. My mother did that at one time. There were nurses around the clock. Would that be possible? It might be nicer then going to a home. Maybe their insurance will pay? The hospice nurse can also help cook dinners and lots of other things. Good luck and parents are always good at guilt. Maybe you can talk to your brothers/sisters to see if you can each take a day? Tough decisions. Take care.

    Lisa
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #5
    BIG HUGS to you, Mindy!!!!
    You need to read (and share with Mom) my expressions post about Caregivers Bill of Rights. This is not MY creation, I got this when I needed help with my 2 special needs kids.
    Beyond that, I agree with hospice...it's not just for the end of life...it's to give caregivers a break. It sounds like your mom is overwhelmed. As far as the wetting problem, have mom buy waterproof mattress covers...these days, they don't feel like the old rubber ones, my younger daughter has incontenance sometimes at night, and we have one on her bed. Mom could also put one in the chair that dad sits in.
    I'm going to be nasty for a minute....has anyone (maybe you could get his doc to play the bad guy) told you dad EXACTLY how much strain he is putting on everyone??? By not doing something as simple as wearing protection??? Don't YOU do it, you don't want dad OR mom (she will rise to defend him...) lashing out at you. But, as a survivor, I know that sometimes we get into such a funk that we don't realize how bad we are treating the loving people around us. And we are just so MAD at the world....sigh....
    Read the Bill of Rights, tell your mom to talk to someone (she's being an enabler of dad's behaviors) professionally, and you read them, too. You ARE being above and beyond what many daughters would be in this situation!!!!
    Those wings you wear can sometimes be a little heavy...
    Hugs, Kathi

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