anyone else experienced this?

Joyce,
So very familiar that feeling. I endured 25 presurgical radiation treatment along with chemotherapy before surgery, then had surgery, then had 18 more chemotherapy treatments. I did great until the last several treatments, when I would just break down and cry in the morning befroe going to work II would elave at lunch to go to treatment every Friday). It even took me years to like Fridays again. You are regaining your balance near the end of treatment, and that feeling of apprehension is normal. it is only then that you have the luxury of even thinking about the future. I had a tough time, more than 7 years ago, recovering a positive mental outlook and my Dr. warned me that it would be harder in some ways when the treatment was over. However, excercise (running) and regular life helped me get through each day, one at a time. Here I am, healthy as a horse (not the Derby winner) 7 plus years later. You will mnake it...but your mind will take some time to recognize it. Live healthy and have fun in life, whenever possible...the time wil fly eventually!

Dear Joyce,
I can't top the eloquece of RunnerZ and Chynabear in their responses. I can only underline what they said. It is so natural to feel the way you are feeling, but you are right to ask about it and deal with it. I did the chemo and radiation before surgery and chemo afterward. When I got to the end of it all I refused to let myself relax and contemplate the fact that I could be in fact cancer free. It has been two years and slowly the fears are receding under the crush of daily life. Can you ever allow yourself the luxury of making long term plans? Yes, of course, you can. But settling quarrels and forgiving past transgressions does allow you to experience the marvelous events that are going on around you each day.
If there is anything good to be said about cancer, anything at all, it is this: the battle to overcome the mental and physical harm being done is the ultimate wake up call, the ultimate focusing lens and the final impetus to prioritize life.

Joyce -

I certainly can't compete with the previous eloquent replies, but I can tell you that from what I understand your feelings are perfectly normal.

Last December, I was put on what my oncologist characterized as a "chemo break" (I am Stage IV). She warned me that the most difficult thing I might face emotionally would be "not being treated". I completely understand what she meant now. I am still on that "break" due to great scans, but while I am trying to do everything possible to keep myself healthy, in a way I feel way less in control than I did when on chemo. While on chemo - even though I hated it - I felt like I was DOING something. And of course, I also had that regular contact with nurses and oncologist - in a funny way those were reminders of my disease (a negative), but they were also focused on helping me (a positive). Now there is less attention on me, no chemo drugs are being given, since I feel better everyone in my home and work life assumes it's all back to normal, and "all" I am doing is trying to live in a healthy manner (which you should do anyway, right?) So, my point is that there is complex (or maybe not so complex) psychology going on here, and your feelings related to the "end" of treatment are perfectly normal.

Take care,

Betsy

hi joyce,
we all have negative thoughts now and than.
it's normal.
stay positive, you have gotten this far.
god is good always
enjoy your upcoming vacation. rest and than go kick some more butt.
all the best
be well
bruce

Hi Joyce:

Here's an excerpt from Lance's book on exactly the same that you're going through.

"By the end of the summer I resembled a healthy person. I no longer looked sick, and I had all of my hair. But I still worried constantly about a relapse, and I had continuing ghost pains in my chest.

I had nightmares. I had strange physical reactions; for no apparent reason I would break out in a sweat. The slightest stress or anxiety would cuase my body to become shiny with perspiration.

While I was being treated I was actively killing the cancer, but when the treatment stopped, I felt powerless, like I wasn't doing anything but waiting for the other shoe to fall. I was such an active, aggressive person that I would have felt better if they'd given me chemo for a year. Dr. Nichols tried to reassure me. 'Some people have more trouble after treatment than udring. It's common. It's more difficult to wait for it to come back than it is to attack it.'

the monthly checkups were the worst....

...But each Xray was clear, and teh blood tests remained normal. With every passing month the chances of a repapse lessened."

Lance went on to win 7 Tours and became the greatest cyclist alive, after cancer. So keep the faith, fight the fight, and that light at the end of the tunnel is a torch of life.

Hang in there, Joyce! You're a winner for having endured this far.

JADot

chynabear said:

Dear JoyceCanada,

I know exactly how you are feeling except my fear, depression, and doubts waited until right after I finished my treatment and began moving on with my life.

It's almost like we come to depend on the chemo, and in your case radiation, to keep the cancer away. It feels like now all of a sudden we aren't fighting the cancer anymore.

I cried myself to sleep every night because I didn't want to leave my baby motherless. My husband didn't understand at all.

I finally learned that I can continue to "fight" this beast. I have the power to make my body as strong and healthy as I can. I have the power to "let go" of emotional fights and forgive where previously I held a grudge. I have the power to "live like I was dying" and try to make the most of each day that I AM ALIVE. I have the power to feed my body healthy food to boost my immune system to keep the cancer away. If the cancer is destined to come back, at least my healthy body will have an easier time to fight back for round two, three, four or ninety... because I intend to fight if it comes back because that's what I have the power to do.

Don't underestimate the power of having the ability to come here (and to your other support systems)to vent these feelings of fear.

Tricia

Read this link that I have pasted below - I hope it helps!

http://www.literaturesearch.net/Literature Search files/Coriolus.pdf

Love, Christina