IT SURE HAS BEEN A LONG,LONG TIME!

Hello all. I know that it has been what, at least a year and a half since any of you have heard from me, but I want you all to know that there truly has not been a day that has gone by without my thoughts wandering to some of you, if not all of you guys here on this fabulous board that helped me so much through my up and down cancer rollar coaster ride with my mom and husband Bert. For you old timers, which is a wonderful thing to say when it comes to this disease, isn't it, a great big hug (and no Kanga, I haven't stopped hugging and Bert hasn't started typing ) )) and for you newbies, a hug as well and a brief introduction. My name is Monika and in September 2002, my 68 year old mother was diagnosed with inoperable stage III lung cancer; a diagnosis that carried with it a 2 year survival rate of 11% and a 5 year survival rate of 4%. It was a very dark time in my life as my mother was my only remaining parent, my father having died at the time of her diagnosis 12 years earlier. Matters turned from dark to total doom and gloom less than a year later when my then 48 year old husband Bert was diagnosed stage III right sided colon cancer with four lymph nodes involved. I thought I would go absolutely insane by all of this until I found this board and the wonderful people on it. While things remained extremely tough and there were many days I literally wanted to curl up and a big ball and not deal with life anymore, the support, love, knowledge, and comfort that came from these folks helped me through a very, very difficult time in my life. I continued to be an avid member, posting frequently until about November/December 2004 at which point, with both mom and hubby doing well, I eased up a little and got involved in other things (walks/runs for American Cancer Society, a resurfaced interest in my hobby of buying and selling antiques and collectables, my job, etc. Mom and Bert quite honestly breezed through their chemo regimes with mom going into remission for about 8 months, then into a clinical trial program that kept the recurred small lung tumor very stable and Bert remaining NED, even though recurrence statistics for him were quite high given the size of the tumor and the number of nodes involved. Around this time, we started remodeling our home and I also got busy with living life and just needed a cancer break so I posted sporatically until the early part of 2005, at which point, I didn't have a heck of a whole lot to say (my mistake and definite error on my part...there is always something so say), and I became more of a lurker than a poster.

Now fast forward to the present. For whatever reason, I felt very much compelled today to post. As I said before, there really hasn't been a day when this board hasn't some how or in some way crossed my mind. Since early 2005, much has happened. The good news is Bert has just finished his latest scans and remains NED after three years post surgery and two years post chemo, and CEA remaining constant between 1.0 and 1.5. Old timers, remember how I worried so when Bert's cea kept rising, ever so slightly, but rising nevertheless, while on chemo? He was literally tunred inside out by his onc, with everything always coming up negative (good thing) and no explanation for the rising CEA....that is, until chemo was done and it start to drop and drop and drop. He was one of those rare few that experience an increase in CEA from chemo. Thanks SpongeBob...I remember your advice so well. At any rate, Bert's oncologist indicated that he has hit a major milestone on the five year bench mark, particularly for his chances of recurrence of the original cancer...they are really very low now (AMEN, THANK YOU, AMEN). He now will receive scans every year, a colonoscopy every year, and onc visits every six months for blood work, and he is thrilled but no more so than I. We are to remain ever vigilent and not let anything slip through the cracks. WE WON'T!!! He remains in good health and while this entire experience has taught both of us no more long term plans, live life in the present, for the moment and the day, we at least now think about what we may do next week )

For myself, I've had a couple of scares with possible breast cancer but that's all they turned out to be....scares, for which I am grateful.

I've saved the saddest news for last, not because I wanted to....believe me I could scream it out from the hilltops at how sometimes life just doesn't seem fair, but because it pains me tremendously to even think about it. Sadly, and with deep sorrow, I lost my beloved "mama" to lung cancer in September 2005. She went quickly....right after coming back from Europe (yes folks...her fifth time since her diagnosis....good for her). While there, she caught a cold that turned into pneumonia. Stubborn German lady that she was, go see a doctor...naw, not her. Fly home earlier....why, things will be all right. Well, they weren't. The pneumonia was post obstructive, trapped behind the small amount of cancer in her lung, which utlimately led to a blood clot in her lung, collapse of the lung, extreme fluid pressure on the heart, minor strokes, and eventually, heart failure. Although the underlying cause of it all was lung cancer, I choose to believe that SHE BEAT THE CANCER, just as she always said she may do. She, thank GOD, never suffered the final phases of lung cancer as she had watch her brother do, but died peacefully, with me right by her side as I always promised her I would be, with very little discomfort and non at all in her final moments. It was the hardest, pain retching thing that I have ever had to do in my life, but I told her to go ahead and go; that it would be all right and that she doesn't have to fight any more if she didn't want to; to go and be with my father and that all here would be well. She reached an inner peace with herself and when they took her off life support (the last two days folks and I promised her that I would never keep her like that), she passed in less than 20 minutes even though general consensus was it would take a few hours. Nope, not my mama. She did it, as she did everything in life, quickly, not wanting to put others through pain and sufferring and even though not conscious, I know in my heart that she knew I was right by her side, holding her in my arms and resting my head next to hers until she stopped breathing. My mom was never afraid of dying, just of dying alone and I always reassured her that if it was within my power, that would not happen, and it didn't. I was there as was my Bert as was her grandson and the rest of the family, all in Europe, on the ever alert via telephone. I thank God today for this blessing, for taking her quickly, and for the privilege of being with her when she left her earthly body behind and was granted freedom from it.

That wonderful, fiesty doesn't look a day over 55 and doesn't act a day over 40 woman has gone to be with all the ones that she loved so dearly that have gone before her....her husband, my two brothers, her mother and father, her brother and I know they were all so happy to be with her again. Heck, they were all probably waiting in the room, particularly the love of her life, my dad. And yet, I feel her with me even now. On the day she died, the heavens got a new star but love never dies...it is eternal.

Well, now that I've written the great American novel, I do want to say again that I've missed you all very, very much and truly hope that each and every one of you continues to do well and kicks cancer right in the butt. I know many of you already have (including my mom....she cheated it out of claiming her soul...and most especially, my Bert)and many of you are still waging the battle. Please remember, don't ever give in. The BEAST may win a few battles along the way, but ultimately, YOU AIM TO WIN THE WAR.

God's blessing on you all!

Lots of love,
Monika & Bert )