Intimacy

tarabrown
tarabrown Member Posts: 14
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Diagnosed in December 2002 radical mastectomy on left side in December, prophylactic mastectomy of right breast in January 03, chemo from Feb 03 through July 03, reconstruction of both breasts, new reconstruction following a rupture in Nov. 05. My husband of 10 years has been very supportive but he has not been interested in me sexually since my diagnosis. It gets me quite depressed to think that at 48 my life will be without real intimacy. Any thoughts!!!

Comments

  • 24242
    24242 Member Posts: 1,398 Member
    #2
    Nice name by the way.
    Well I have found that most of the time we think it is because we are unattractive or they don't see us they same way the once did. Probably they don't, but my feeling is everything comes from a place of LOVE or FEAR. I have learned that most of my intamacy issues come from the fear of being rejected because we arne't feeling well and maybe even a little guilt for even wanting to go there still. I think it needs reminding that our relationships would have changed no matter what, with or without cancer, since nothing stays the same. Life is ever changing and one has to be as patient with them, as we must be with ourselves, as we face all we must. Learning to love and be ourselves once again leads to a Quality of Life that most of us never had. In my case it has taken years again to feel like I have a relationship and I am so grateful I never gave up. It has been nine years since my diagnosis and there truly isn't much that resembles the life we once led. I have truly become comfortable with knowing what I have control of and what I don't.
    Being open to the change and letting go of the control has brought me thus far.
    Be good to yourself,
    Tara
  • HollyAnn
    HollyAnn Member Posts: 2
    #3
    I too had breast cancer, dianosed in 1998, had radical on left and regular on right, (byladeral mastectory)cannot give you any advise as i am going through same with my husband. Will not touch me sexual. I had reconstruction and still no sexual touch. I am 49 now and really miss the sexual part of my marriage. We have been married for 20 years. I am to young for this, but i love my husband. He refuses to go for counceling.
  • Future
    Future Member Posts: 133 Member
    #4
    Communication is important. Being thrown into menopause has decreased my desire and made sex painful at times. Between that and my husband's fear of hurting me really impacted our sex life. communication, use of lubricants, patience -- we've had to use all three. Things are getting better but it's almost like when we the kids were smaller, making date so can make sure I'm rested and focused. Don't give up -- this is a tough subject for most folks to talk about. You know your partner, may be a slow process to get him to talk but it'll be worth it.
  • mc2001
    mc2001 Member Posts: 343
    #5
    Hello ladies...
    Well, if you don't mind, I would like to give a perspective from a mans point. It could be that your husbands WANT to have sex with you, but are afraid. If I was married and my wife had cancer, I could NEVER ask her to have sex with me. I would think that it would make me selfish and cruel. Also, I would not want to hurt her or give her an infection or anything since cancer makes our bodies more sensitive to germs. I highy recommend talking about this if you havent already. Could it be just miscommunication? See, men see themselves as protectors. If we wanted sex.. we would see ourself hurting our spouses instead of anything else. Therefore many back away. Just my two cents. Hope this helps. God bless.
    -Michael (leukemia survivor)
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #6
    I got the 2-for-1 package as far as body changes. Colon cancer removed my uterus, etc (really dry) and breast cancer left me with scars and (yes) one blue breast. My boyfriend and I talk it out, but still its an issue for him. He is afraid of hurting me. But it gets better over time. One time, try seducing HIM, don't allow him to touch you AT ALL push him away if he tries. Mine found this VERY erotic. There are other things than intercourse, you know. Sometimes starting with you giving him a big, hug with a sloppy kiss will work. YOU be the starter...and take it slow.
    You go, girl....you are just as beautiful as ever, just have a sleeker, faster chassie!
    Kathi
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #7
    KathiM said:

    I got the 2-for-1 package as far as body changes. Colon cancer removed my uterus, etc (really dry) and breast cancer left me with scars and (yes) one blue breast. My boyfriend and I talk it out, but still its an issue for him. He is afraid of hurting me. But it gets better over time. One time, try seducing HIM, don't allow him to touch you AT ALL push him away if he tries. Mine found this VERY erotic. There are other things than intercourse, you know. Sometimes starting with you giving him a big, hug with a sloppy kiss will work. YOU be the starter...and take it slow.
    You go, girl....you are just as beautiful as ever, just have a sleeker, faster chassie!
    Kathi

    Also just remembered...same thing happened with my husband after each child was born....Of course I was 20 years younger with no scars (both were vag deliveries) but, same thing, he was frightened he would hurt me. Talk is best thing, as I said.
    Kathi
  • tarabrown
    tarabrown Member Posts: 14
    #8
    HollyAnn said:

    I too had breast cancer, dianosed in 1998, had radical on left and regular on right, (byladeral mastectory)cannot give you any advise as i am going through same with my husband. Will not touch me sexual. I had reconstruction and still no sexual touch. I am 49 now and really miss the sexual part of my marriage. We have been married for 20 years. I am to young for this, but i love my husband. He refuses to go for counceling.

    Holly-I agree with you that I am too young to be without that part of my marriage and my husband too has denied counseling. It has put a strain on me and I have talked to him extensively about how i feel but to no avail. I guess with time I will adjust to things but it stinks.
  • tarabrown
    tarabrown Member Posts: 14
    #9
    mc2001 said:

    Hello ladies...
    Well, if you don't mind, I would like to give a perspective from a mans point. It could be that your husbands WANT to have sex with you, but are afraid. If I was married and my wife had cancer, I could NEVER ask her to have sex with me. I would think that it would make me selfish and cruel. Also, I would not want to hurt her or give her an infection or anything since cancer makes our bodies more sensitive to germs. I highy recommend talking about this if you havent already. Could it be just miscommunication? See, men see themselves as protectors. If we wanted sex.. we would see ourself hurting our spouses instead of anything else. Therefore many back away. Just my two cents. Hope this helps. God bless.
    -Michael (leukemia survivor)

    Michael- I appreciate your view but I am afraid with my husband that it is a selfish reaction and that he is afraid of the change in my physical appearance. It is something I will have to learn to live with
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #10
    tarabrown said:

    Holly-I agree with you that I am too young to be without that part of my marriage and my husband too has denied counseling. It has put a strain on me and I have talked to him extensively about how i feel but to no avail. I guess with time I will adjust to things but it stinks.

    Tara,
    Was he involved with the rupture in Nov? That was 4 months ago. You know, Im an old lady...50 years...but the fact that he has been so supportive, don't give up yet.
    But, if no change after a time you set in your mind, then you need to be happy in your life. But don't jump before you are sure you would be happier without him...in all respects. Have YOU considered counseling on your own?
    Kathi
  • dapiek
    dapiek Member Posts: 6
    #11
    24242 said:

    Nice name by the way.
    Well I have found that most of the time we think it is because we are unattractive or they don't see us they same way the once did. Probably they don't, but my feeling is everything comes from a place of LOVE or FEAR. I have learned that most of my intamacy issues come from the fear of being rejected because we arne't feeling well and maybe even a little guilt for even wanting to go there still. I think it needs reminding that our relationships would have changed no matter what, with or without cancer, since nothing stays the same. Life is ever changing and one has to be as patient with them, as we must be with ourselves, as we face all we must. Learning to love and be ourselves once again leads to a Quality of Life that most of us never had. In my case it has taken years again to feel like I have a relationship and I am so grateful I never gave up. It has been nine years since my diagnosis and there truly isn't much that resembles the life we once led. I have truly become comfortable with knowing what I have control of and what I don't.
    Being open to the change and letting go of the control has brought me thus far.
    Be good to yourself,
    Tara

    My wife was startng to get back "the mood" 2 years after cancer, she was more in the mood during chemo, then came chemical menopause, still had the mood occasionally. At least we had some sex and intamacy.Then more surgeries for reconstruction and two plastic surgeons later plus constant infections we had them pulled out. Sex was basically nill and I felt guilty. A bad PET scan yhen a complete hysterectomy and a superrinfection this past Jan- has anybody else had major reconstruction problems after radiation - We had just started the Premarin last year - anybody know the risks with this and estrogen receptor positive breast CA - hopefully someday her drive may return. In the mean time just let your men know that they are still wanted. This will probably be recieved as a selfish husband just wanting sex, but put yourself in their shoes for just a minute. It is easy NOT to do something you don't want to versus wanting something and not getting it. It is hard not feeling wanted nor needed in a sexual way from the woman you love so dearly. One of the things most missed by me is the "after cuddling" and just the skin contact of being with her. I know she feels depressed and I tell her she is still beautiful, because she is. Her breasts aren't what I want, it is just her. I haven't been the best during the past 4 years or so. She is so much more than I could ever have dreamed the day I asked her to marry me. I don't deserve such I strong and wonderful woman as her. - - sorry this probably goes in another message board but I am here, sorry for rambling

    Greg
  • dianeb7
    dianeb7 Member Posts: 1
    #12
    dapiek said:

    My wife was startng to get back "the mood" 2 years after cancer, she was more in the mood during chemo, then came chemical menopause, still had the mood occasionally. At least we had some sex and intamacy.Then more surgeries for reconstruction and two plastic surgeons later plus constant infections we had them pulled out. Sex was basically nill and I felt guilty. A bad PET scan yhen a complete hysterectomy and a superrinfection this past Jan- has anybody else had major reconstruction problems after radiation - We had just started the Premarin last year - anybody know the risks with this and estrogen receptor positive breast CA - hopefully someday her drive may return. In the mean time just let your men know that they are still wanted. This will probably be recieved as a selfish husband just wanting sex, but put yourself in their shoes for just a minute. It is easy NOT to do something you don't want to versus wanting something and not getting it. It is hard not feeling wanted nor needed in a sexual way from the woman you love so dearly. One of the things most missed by me is the "after cuddling" and just the skin contact of being with her. I know she feels depressed and I tell her she is still beautiful, because she is. Her breasts aren't what I want, it is just her. I haven't been the best during the past 4 years or so. She is so much more than I could ever have dreamed the day I asked her to marry me. I don't deserve such I strong and wonderful woman as her. - - sorry this probably goes in another message board but I am here, sorry for rambling

    Greg

    I had my lupectomy in mid February; finished chemo May 19 and now in radiation. My husband and I agree our relationship is in a 'struggle'. I brought up our lack of intimacy and he told me that he finds my 'baldness' is difficult for him and a turn off in bed. He says he "can't help it." I was pretty blown away and am struggling now how to reconnect with him after this blow to my fragile ego. After doing everything necessary just to 'live', I felt that this was soooo unfair. Not sure how to tackle our relationship and try to regain the warmth and closeness we had. Granted during chemo there was little action and I'm sure I gave off non-verbal signals that he may have misinterpreted as lack of interest in him. Now, I'm nearly through with radiation and have my old energy is pretty much back. I'd like my life back, too. Wouldn't "I" like to have my own hair, as well?!? I'd love to hear from any men out there to help me understand what tack I/we should take.

    Diane

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