Just Need Support

Wow. That's a lot to deal with -- and the holidays just make it more pronounced. I'm sorry you have to deal with it at all.
23 years ago my father was diagnosed with Stage IV prostate cancer the day before my wedding AND NO ONE TOLD ME until 2 months later. It's beautiful to look back at my wedding pictures and know that EVERYONE else knew except me! In fact, my mother was the Queen of NOT talking about anything important. I remember the tests, the surgeries, and watching this vibrant man shrink away to nothing while everyone acted "normal". It was strange then, but now I wish he or my mom had said something about what was actually going on with him. Her memory is fading and when asked questions about his health, she can't remember most things. -- Some due to age, some due to blocking out all the bad things I suppose.
Now 22 years later, I am Stage III colon cancer and my oldest daugher is 18 -- just 3 years younger than I was with my dad. So, of course, I tell her and her younger sisters everything so they are aware, trying to avoid the mistakes of my parents. I go out of my way to make each day a special memory with each of my girls and whether I am alive 1 day or 100 years, I want them to remember me loving them and having fun with them and making the most of every day!
What's the right thing to do? Only God knows. But one thing I am learning is that people do the best with the tools they have at the time. I have discovered that I was angry at how both of my parents handled his illness and his death, but now that I am sick, I understand how someone could do some of the things they did.
It could be that your mom is so overwhelmed that she just doesn't know what to do and that doing anything is too much. It could be that your dad isn't up to traveling and might appreciate you visiting instead. It could be that your mom is just angry at everyone and needed to vent and you were the unfortunate recipient. It could be that your mom doesn't see how they can do something "normal" when nothing is normal anymore. Only your parents know.. and they might not even realize why they feel the way they do.
I would suggest calling your mom back in the morning and telling her you care about her and your dad and asking how she is doing with all this information. Then, ask what you can do to help make your dad's holiday happy -- whether it is the first of decades more to come or whether it would be a last holiday. Only God knows that anyway. And you might want to talk with you dad -- maybe he has a different perspective too.
And I could be wrong about all of it -- so do what is best for you and your family, but know that people care about you and your dad and that you are in my prayers for the holidays.
Also, I found that my mother is not good at remembering what doctors say and she is not able to research on the internet...so it could be that you mom needs help understanding all the wonderful survivorship stories of stage IV patients -- and the treatments to improve their lives. Maybe you could help there.
Just remember -- the holidays can bring out both the best and the worst in people and sometimes nothing can change how people act. To this day, my mom gets depressed around Thanksgiving and stays moody until January (my father died Dec. 2, 1984) and no one and nothing can change her attitude and she never mentions my father or anything about him since the day he died. So people have their own ways of dealing with things and some of them no one every understands.
Sorry to go on, but your story just reminded me so much of the past.....

The two posts above are so wonderful, there is little I can add but I just wanted to say how I understand how you must be feeling. However, it does sound as if your mother had a "meltdown". It was probably an accumulation of all the fear and sadness she is feeling dealing with your father's illness and she just had to let it out....and you were at the receiving end. I am pretty sure it was just a moment of panic on her part. I hope the next conversation will be more positive and that you can find a way to spend time together that is mutually beneficial and that you are able to enjoy the holiday, in spite of your father's illness. The fact that his tumours shrank so much is very encouraging!

Try not to take your mother's outburst personally. I am sure she did not mean to hurt you.

Love, Ali

As a mother and the wife of a stage IV . I must tell you the stress we go through is sometime unbearable. All the responsibilty is on us. Not the children. I too have yelled at both my children from us being overwhelmed from it all. My husband is always sick these days and the pressure to try and keep things going can be unreal. Give your mother a break and try and understand what she might be going through. My heart going out to all spouces that have this kind of pressure.

no one knows how much time your father has..and you are correct to approach things day by day. don't let anyone tell you-(or your dad..) how to feel. Only your father knows-keep your positive approach-the mind is a powerful healer. Help your mom - as a caregiver, her burden is large, and she needs suport too. best wishes, bud