Advice for sister of cancer patient

Machel131
Machel131 Member Posts: 3
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Hello, my brother was diagnosed with colorectal cancer last week. He starts his chemo next week. My question for you guys is this. My brother is dealing with his cancer by joking about it. That is fine with us if that is how he needs to deal with it. But, he doesn't want to find any support groups, doesn't want to talk to any clergy, stays in bed all the time, won't get up and do anything. I would say that I understand how devistated he is, but I have never had to deal with this so I don't know what it is like to go through this. I want to find a way to encourage him not to stop living. I want him to talk to other people who have gone through this too. I don't want him to lay in the bed and dwell on CANCER. I hope I'm not sounding insensative and I hope you know what I'm trying to get across here. He needs to talk and let out his feelings. Still live his life, but I don't know how to encourage him to do this. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

Comments

  • neon356
    neon356 Member Posts: 137 Member
    #2
    Hi Machel, maybe the best thing you can do right now is to just give your brother some space. Let him know that you're there for him whenever he needs you. Many go through a few stages when confronted with something like this. The first is denial that it's really happening, the second is anger at our body for letting us down, and the third is acceptance. Maybe your brother just has to be left alone for a little while so that he can sort things out for himself. Another thing that I personally felt when I first found out that I had cancer was that it was all I could do to deal with what I had to go through, and It was very hard for me to also have to somehow deal with the feelings that those around me were going through. It was very overwhelming for me and I just felt like I had to retreat to the back of the cave and be by myself for a while. Hope this helps,.. Carl
  • 2bhealed
    2bhealed Member Posts: 2,064 Member
    #3
    hi,

    I have walked both roads--been the sister of a cancer patient and one myself.

    I was frustrated with my sister too. She didn't talk about it much either. I happen to be an external processor so I talk talk talk talk about it (after I think think think about it). Not to be nasty, but cut the guy some slack. I mean he just found out about it last week. A cancer diagnosis is devastating. It changes an enttire life. That is no small thing.

    Is his lying around in bed a pattern for him to deal with stuff or is this new? Cancer physically can cause depression (I forget how or why but it does).

    All the things you mentioned are good things...talking to clergy, support groups, etc, but allow him to let this sink in for awhile. If he continues on like this after a few months then there would be more to be concerned about.

    You don't want him to lay in bed and dwell on CANCER but right now that may be ALL he can do until he figures it out for himself. All you can do is continue to love and support him and HIS needs.

    My other sister had to gently remind me that when my sister was dying that it was HER death and SHE got to call the shots. It was good advice.

    This is HIS disease and he gets to call the shots.

    Just be there.

    peace, emily
  • Betsydoglover
    Betsydoglover Member Posts: 1,248 Member
    #4
    Hi -

    My advice is to let your brother be for a while. A cancer diagnosis is a lot to take in - even if support groups might help, a person has to be by themselves and come to some level of acceptance before that can be the case. Please don't hassle him right now.

    In some respects my situation was easier because I HAD to have colon surgery right after my diagnosis. In two weeks I had to find a surgeon, meet with them, schedule surgery, get a full work up by my internist, have a CT scan, meet with anesthesiologist, tell my boss, tell my group at work, tell my family. All that was stressful, but kept me going and out of bed. If I had been directly going to chemo in a week or two, instead of to surgery, I'd have taken to bed for some serious time with myself.

    So as others have said, give your brother space. And, as Emily says, if he persists in this pattern, then you should be more concerned. But right now let him deal with this in the way he thinks best.

    Wishing you all well.

    Betsy
  • HowardJ
    HowardJ Member Posts: 474
    #5
    Hi Machel,

    It sounds like you've got a good perspective by not assuming what he's going through. I also think you have good intentions in trying to get your brother to talk to someone. Joking's not a bad way to cope, but if he's not able to function because he's dwelling too much, he should speak to someone. There are therapists who specialize in dealing with cancer patients. As the others posted he may just need some time to process what's happening, which is normal.

    I'll add that there's a book which might help you understand what he's going through. It's called: "Help Me Live: 20 Things People With Cancer Want You to Know", by Lori Hope.

    You might want to show your brother this web site. It's full of people who've gone throug what he is going through now, and who can offer support and advice based on personal experience.

    Howard
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #6
    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • lorihope
    lorihope Member Posts: 3
    #7
    Hi, Machel. I'm the author of Help Me Live, and happened to come across your request for advice. Sometimes it's almost harder to be a caregiver than a cancer patient (I've been on both sides). I'm sorry for what you're going through, and love that you're such a great sis.

    I've found that directly voicing your concerns to the patient, without trying to control the outcome (no "shoulds"), works best.

    Your bro will cope in the way that works best for him. Humor is a great coping mechanism (I interviewed and surveyed more than 100 patients, and the most common thing they voiced was "I need to forget and laugh"). As far as what you can do -- just let him know that you are there for him to listen anytime; as Emily said, "Just be there."

    As others mentioned, depression and exhaustion are normal symptoms of cancer; I just helped a friend with cervical cancer get on antidepressants, just to give her a little more energy and get her through the toughest times. Perhaps that's an option for your brother, esp. if you emphasize that cancer impacts brain chemistry and can actually cause depression.

    I wish you all the best, and if your bro ever wants to "chat", give him my email addy.
    Lori

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