Sex and Intimacy ... Gone?

Annabelle3 · November 2005

I am 38 and 2 months into my process of stage 1 breast cancer, full mastectomy, sentinal node surgery, expanders put in and now chemo. At the time of my life where I really need my husband, he seems to have emotionally and physically left the building. My husband is a person who was always very expressive and would love to have sex every day if he could. Since my surgery, we've had sex twice in two months. He is very distant and even his hugs are very superficial, not a nice strong hug like you would need at a time like this. Has anyone else experienced this? Do I have to face the fact that my marriage is going to be another casualty of this disease? I feel so alone and really have nobody to talk to about this. The only thing I can feel is that I look completely hideous with my huge scars, the port, the node scar, the hair loss. I look like a disaster area -- maybe he can't even look at me anymore, I don't know. Does anyone have anything similar? Does it come back or do I just put that stress on the back burner until I'm done with my treatment? I've talked to him several times, he just says he doesn't want to hurt me (physically I assume) and doesn't know where to touch that won't hurt. I don't know what else to think other than maybe the diagnosis was too much for him and he wants to leave or I look awful and just turn him off now. Help.

24242 · November 2005

I am glad you have reached out to other survivors for this will help you deal and cope with everything in the long run. I was 36 at the time of my diagnosis and had just moved to start a new life with someone I had been dating long distance for four and half years. I know how you must be feeling because cancer does change the coarse of our lives and we all have to find a new normal.
I am here to say that I am an eight year survivor of stage 3 with 11 out of 21 positive nodes. I had no early detection because I was too healthy at the time I found my lump and too well built.
The thing I have learned the most from all that has happened is life is difficult and doesn't seem to get any easier for us as we get older so much to face. It has been 8 long years with my lover who obviously had to face some things too. I think it is harder on those around us because they seem to have to bear their fears on their own. I sometimes think they feel that if they touch us they will hurt us more than we are already hurting. Men do not know how to cope and deal with their feels, very few have that ability. I think sometimes that if the world isn't revolving around them they don't know how to go on. Most men are not good at being nurse maide because they would have to face themselves and what they think and that is very scary for them. Most men deal in terms of GUILT more than anything else. I am a true believer there are only two emotions LOVE and FEAR and everything we do are based on one or the other. Sort of simplifies things in my life.
I am sorry that this too has to play in your mind along with everything else you must be feeling. I have had 8 long years of no intimacy but I love and understand and that is all I can do. The wind of change is starting to happen with us and we are now getting closer than we have been since we dated. I am so grateful I stuck around and pored my love out and didn't become resentful a conscious choice I might add.
People need time and space sometimes to come to terms with what they have to face. We almost didn't make through the chemo because money became an issue, but we stuck it out and had a couple of bad years and now I truly feel like I have my entire life back, a dream come true for me.
Hang in there. Whatever you do please talk about all you feel and get it out in the open so it doesn't eat you up. As hard as it might be you need to tell your husband how you feel because sometimes they don't get it, mine sure didn't.
I know it is hard to believe but life can be better than it was before cause all I can do is remind myself that my life wasn't working before or I wouldn't of gotten cancer.
If ever you need someone to talk to you can email me through this site. You can read our profiles if you click on the name, I found that it helped to read others stories and know you are not alone.
Be good to yourself always, and first,
Tara

flwr76 · November 2005

I am sorry that your husband is not giving you the support you need. I have to say that this is a difficult time for everyone in our lives. It affects us and everyone in our lives, including husbands. For mine, he sometimes has tougher days dealing with this than I do. Sometimes I have to pick him off the couch and keep him smiling. I have to be the strong one sometimes because he cannot deal with it. So I am sure that your husband is just dealing with his emotions and is not completly sure how to handle this situation. I doubt he would want to leave you, he's just dealing with it in his own way. It will get better and easier for him as time goes on. Remain strong and keep your head up. Don't let it get you down. It will be over and he will be fine. I am sure it hurts him to see you like this. Keep smiling and reassure him that you will be feeling like new soon! Hang in there buddy.

lindatn · November 2005

Tara your statement you wouldn't have gotten cancer if everything was going right in your life is a issue you need to examin. No one but no one should cary that guilt. My husabnad and I were married 38 years when I was dx with bc and in less then one year my husband was dx with prostate cancer. We did nothing to get these cancers. If depression is entering into this issue for any of you and it does for all of us and our mates go immediately to a GP and get a antideprssion that works. Might take more then one try. If you want to have relationships with the man in your life try to start the whole thing. Wigs, night clothes, even fairly sexy ones will cover up the worst. If the wig comes off it is worth a good laugh. Needless to say the normal relationship is not possible after prostate treatment but we have each other, a sense of humor and wonderful memories to live on.We are older then you gals and your mates but hopefully wiser. God Bless and remember to laugh takes less effort then tears. Linda

Idalia · November 2005

Dear Annabelle, sex and intimacy are two separate things. Maybe you need ot expand your ideas of both? During my treatment, I have been bald, achy, tired, sleepy, draining and a dozen other unattractive, unsexy things! My husband has been more than patient, but sometimes men need a clear signal that it is ok. I try to remember to thank him, compliment him and at least now and than, get in the shower with him. Maybe we can't do all the things we use to (I have bone mets and can't bear his weight on me or get into the positions we use to enjoy) but we can kiss, hug and soap each other down. Most important is to let him know you still find him attractive. It is easy to concentrate so much on our appearance that we forget men like to be admired too. The fact that your husband is still there, trying to deal with all this speaks well of him. There is no rule that only men can initiate sex! If you are afraid of rejection, try being a little more affectionate and see how he responds. Don't give up on yourself or him without trying. Good luck.

mc2001 · November 2005

Hi there Annabelle3,
I am so so so sorry that you are carrying this emotional cross. Having cancer is terrible enough, and now you have the emotional cross. As am man, I think I can offer a reason why your husband hugs you ever so softly. Men, good men, do everything in their power to make sure their loved ones are safe and secure around them. Could it be your husband is so scared of hurting you he has programmed himself to barely hug you? It could be that he doesnt want the port or your scars to hurt? In becomming so careful, he might have taught himself that ANY physical contact is dangerous to you... including sex. That is the first thing that came to my mind. I immediately thought... "I dont blame this guy. I would probably resort to shaking my girlfriends or wifes hands for fear of hurting her. Also.. I could NEVER ask my wife or gf to have sex with me knowing she is suffering and in pain. What kind of animal would that make me???" But then.. I started reading the replies the women make.. and I now believe.. that ladies DO want physical contact.. EVEN during cancer... which is news to me! So, I suggest talking about this with him. It might work?? Just by reading these posts, I am now aware that some women desire intimacy even with or without sex while getting treatment. God bless and Good luck.
-Michael (leukemia survivor)

Sex and Intimacy ... Gone?

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