shame

angelpie7me · November 2005

Hi everyone, I need some really good honest advice. I have 3b breast cancer, and already finished triple dose chemotherapy (4 kinds) and radiation. SInce it's all been over, I've been in the hospital twice for dehydration and am still anemic. My POTS syndrome has gone from mild to chronic which means I black out every single time I stand up. My gall bladder was removed this October. My herniated disc bothers my tailbone more frequently, and my joints feel like they go in and out of place. Also my peripheral neuropathy is a little more pronounced since ending the chemo. I have endured all the pain that I have, and have come through it okay and not complaining. I go to all my doctors appointments like a good little cancer survivor and do everything that they tell me to do. Here's what I need help with, and your advice:
I landed myself in the hospital again last week because of dehyrdation and anemia and the POTS syndrome. THey kept me for 5 days because they could not regulate my heart rate.

When I came home from the hospital, I have had such rotten things said to me by my own mom, my mother-in-law, and other family members. They are saying that I am imagining all the pain that I am going through and that I must not be tough because I should be out in the work force earning a living by now. The truth of the matter is that I grit my teeth every single moment that I don't feel well because my 3 kids depend on me for many things and they are still little.

I have never felt so damn hurt and alone as I have this month. These people have said to me that they know people that have worked through stage iv cancer, and if they can do it, then there must be something wrong with me. I said to these people that perhaps their treatment was not as rough on their bodies as it has been on mine.

Why are they trying to shame me? Or is it that maybe they can't really believe that I am this sick, and perhaps things aren't looking on the bright side for me just yet? It's as if everyone is pushing this illness right out of their minds because the chemo is over so now I shouldn't have any problems. The truth of the matter is that I feel worse now than I ever did on the chemo.
My own mother tries to shame me when the grass here at my house needs cut, and dishes need to be done, and the laundry, and I finally lashed out at her and said leave me alone and let me do it all at my own pace before inconsiderate **** like you shame me into doing too much and land me in the f***ing hospital yet again.

If any of you have gone through any of this I would truly appreciate hearing from you. I can't take this stuff anymore. I can't be nice to those who don't respect how I feel, and I feel really lousy but I don't own up to it with anyone. I just get through another day the best I can.
Thanks a million. I just can't believe how devastating it is to hear stuff like that from your own family.

wimpy · November 2005

Hi Angelpie

I am so sorry for what you are going through. The worst blows always seem to come from the family. I can't truthfully say that I have experienced something as bad as you have described but I had my own small version of it from my family and some friends. My brother and sister-in-law who are my only remaining immediate family took me to hospital when I had my operation and then I never saw or heard from them again during my entire treatment cycle. After treatment was finished and I was just a few months out from treatment I needed to move from my house and I asked them to come and help and my sister-in-law basically said that she couldn't because she had a life (with the implication that I didn't) and told me to get my friend who helped me through treatment to help me move. The boss at the job that I got just before I found out I had breast cancer extended my probation period as soon as she found out that I was ill and then started working at pressuring me to leave the job (I did). Most of my so-called friends disappeared as soon as I told them about the cancer including one who never did a thing for me but asked me that since I had cancer could I tell her what would be useful help for someone undergoing treatment so she could do something for her friend. From that I concluded that she hadn't considered me a friend. My world got pared down to the two people who helped during cancer treatment and frankly it hasn't grown any larger since then. Overall, the experience left me really jaded and mistrustful of people, seriously emotionally hurt and completely wrecked my self esteem. I still sometimes wonder why all of these people that I liked and believed in were not there for me when I needed them. Anyway, I am rambling and this is about you and not me. Please don't get down on yourself about what others do. There could be a lot of reasons for their reaction. Thay might be scared about accepting any responsibility; they might not know what to do or be so stressed themselves that they say stupid things; or maybe they are just self-centred ****. Just do what you need to do to get better and protect yourself and don't let them bring you down.

mel39 · November 2005

Hi,
I hate to hear what your own family is doing to you. I feel the same way as you do but don't have the same story to share. What I've found is that for whatever reason, people want to help you when you're going through chemo. Once treatment is over, everyone expects you to just get up and regain your life again. But you adn I know how difficult that is. I am having more difficulty after treatment then I did with the diagnosis and treatment. I feel very alone and feel like my friends have abandoned me. My family is still here but my husband feels like my friends do -- you're finished with treatment, now go on and get on with your life. I've found comfort from just a handful of people and that's who I continue to talk with. It's amazing how just 4 months ago I had a plethora of help and support and now I only have about 3 people to depend on. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Try to ignore the comments or directly confront those family members. Ask them to be understanding and supportive of you. Tell them that you hurt, physically and mentally. It's worth a try.

SandyV · November 2005

Other people's behavior is not something you can control. You can control the way it affects you. Tell these people what you need from them. If they are not able to provide what you need, you may need to distance yourself from them until they either change their behavior or you are stronger and can "let 'em have it". You need every bit of emotional and physical strength that you have in you for your recovery.

Remember to lean on God for strength and encouragement.

hillbillycat · November 2005

SandyV said:
Other people's behavior is not something you can control. You can control the way it affects you. Tell these people what you need from them. If they are not able to provide what you need, you may need to distance yourself from them until they either change their behavior or you are stronger and can "let 'em have it". You need every bit of emotional and physical strength that you have in you for your recovery.

Remember to lean on God for strength and encouragement.

Hi, I hope all is better since you wrote this. I think it is very sad that your family lets you down at such a drastic time in your life. I can only imagine how you feel. It has to be worse than the treatment for stage 1, which I had. I only worked part time. It wasn`t that I felt real bad all the time physically but I also took this time to let my body heal and rest .. .Like for example...if you have a real colicky colon , more than likely the dr. puts you on Nothing by mouth ( while in the hospital ) to let the colon rest.So it only makes since that we rest our bodies during and after the insult of poisons put into our body. And yes , I heared about people who bragged about working through their chemo and I felt a sence of weakness but I didn`t care because now that it is all done and over with and my life is back to normal I am happy I took that time for myself and I don`t care what others think. Thankfully, I had an understanding husband.So it has to be hard for you if you are alone in this with no support. But everyone here is rooting for YOU ! Before you know it , it will get better and better. Later you will be stronger and the time will come when you will be brave enough to say to them "unless you walk in my shoes , don`t say anything ! Keep on loving your little ones and get well ! ........Shirl

Inbetween4ever · November 2005

I just finished radiation two weeks ago, after going through chemo & then surgery for breast cancer. Since the time of diagnosis, my immediate family (1 brother, mother and a sister with her husband and family) have done NOTHING to help me. In fact, my mother flew to her other home and stayed there ALL duing my treatments, surgery, etc. I'm single,I had to work through all the treatments to pay the bills, and except for three very good girlfriends who have helped me get through this, there was no one to support me, mentally, through all of this, and the physical pains I've just tried to mostly ignore, although you have had so much more to deal with, going to the hospital repeatedly, etc. I can tell you that I have found that the people that are supposed to be the closest to you (like anyone would assume a mother should be) is not always how it works out - most of the time, because they are in denial of your disease, and for them to recognize that you need help would make them feel guilty that they are not doing the right thing by not helping you. So basically, they are lazy and selfcentered. Your mother should have offered to have the lawn mowed FOR you, instead of complaining it needs to be mowed. She sounds a lot like my mother! On the very first day of my very first chemo treatment, in fact, one hour before treatment, my only sister called to ask me if I had a health care proxy and did I want to be creamated or buried if there should be a problem... can you believe that! And when I ended up hanging up on her, she wrote me such a horrible nasty hateful email, and that was the first thing I saw when I got back from chemo. I haven't spoken to her again since that day, and went through all the treatments without any help from her (and she lives 15 minutes away!)AND SHE WAS A NURSE BEFORE SHE BECAME A STAY AT HOME MOM!!!! So I want you to take some comfort in knowing you are not alone in having "family" that makes you feel "shame" ... because the shame is all theirs. YOU have nothing to be ashamed about, and you should feel proud that you have handled everything as well as you can all by yourself! As for the dehydration - you really, really need to make it a habit to drink a glass of water every single hour, no matter what. Also, eating a handful of almonds or walnuts and a small piece of fruit every few hours also helps keep up your energy. I do hope you are feeling better, and please know that you are not alone in having horrible family support....just feel sorry for them, that they are so self-absorbed. We can't pick our families - and after experiences like dealing with cancer, we get a lot better at picking the people to be in our lives that are truly worthwhile of sharing our time with. There are people, unfortunately for us they are also family, that are just not mentally equipped to realize that the diagnosis of cancer doesn't end when the treatments end, it is a life-long concern we survivors have to deal with, and I think one of the things you can do is just throw it back in the face of those who tell you "you should be better by now" ... sometimes, a little aggressive behavior is just what is needed. I had to tell someone "well, when and if YOU get cancer, we'll see how you deal with it".
Good luck and God bless, and please don't feel shame .... feel empowerment for facing something so difficult and overwhelming as you're going through... and still getting through it!!!!

BuffaloGal49 · November 2005

First and foremost, take care of yourself. Your healing, and your life, depend on it. Only do the absolute minimum needed to keep you and your little ones afloat. Second, stay away from toxic people (in my book, the single biggest cause of dis-ease). Third, reach out to support groups and helping organizations. There are lots of cancer survivors who would be delighted to lend a hand and understand that everyone's experience is different. There is no way to predict how treatment will affect you or how long it takes to recover, but having some caring and joy in your life is bound to help! If you are in my geographic area, I'd be glad to clean house, mow a lawn, run errands, etc. (I'm in north Puget Sound.) You have paid your dues and deserve to move toward a better life! You are in my prayers.

24242 · November 2005

It isn't a surprise when you have doctors out there that minimize the effects of the treatments because most of the people do not suffer from them. There is a very small percentage of people that are that sensative to treatments and get the side effects from these drugs that often are diseases not just symptoms. I always tell people I started with one disease cancer and now have had to learn to live with many diseases the direct result of all my treatments including surgery.
It is sad but true and being grateful for our lives isn't enough. I have to say I suffered for years and found most doctors wouldn't help instead relying on antidepressants to fix the pain. More often than not they think we are all just a bunch of anxiety ridden patients who need calming but in fact they too have their own side effects to deal with. Most of us are sensative to everything out there.
Hang in there...
Know that getting quality back in your life is possible but it takes allot of hard work. We have as much responsibility as the doctors and that means exercise and nutrition are two things we can do for ourselves. I was athlete my whole life and ate right but still got cancer and now have to say after everything I am 8 year survivor who is in better shape than ever. It is possible.
Be good to yourself first,
Tara

shame

Comments

Discussion Boards