Husbands

You certainly had a lot to say and apparently have feelings and thoughts which you haven't expressed. Neither here nor to your wife.

Your wife has been through a lot. No question about that. Clearly you felt helpless through some of it and that's perfectly normal I think. Loved ones and caregivers often feel that way because their role is supportive, when what they'd like to do is "something more" or to be able to "make it all go away" for their loved one. That's one tough spot to have to navigate.

Regarding the theory of husbands leaving wives during cancer because they can't bear to "lose their soulmate" and leave on their own terms, etc., that just doesn't hold water for my thinking. It appears to me to be something more akin to selfishness and would also appear, as you noted, that maybe there were problems in the relationship prior to cancer being diagnosed.
If the latter is the case, then cancer or any other major crisis would naturally amplify
those problems I believe. Still, any guy,
or gal for that matter, who would abandon ship at such a critical time is difficult to respect in my opinion. I mean, what could someone who does such a thing be thinking??? Sort of like: "Guess I'll mosey on now, since you've got cancer and all and go find myself or better yet, go find someone who doesn't have cancer!" Many say that the "runner" is just afraid. I tend to agree. It would appear that he/she is definitely afraid for themselves and what hardship they may be called upon to endure and the fear is obviously stronger than the love in such cases. I'm no expert. Just opinionated.

Sexual issues can and do loom large for cancer survivors and their spouses. The only advice I could offer in addressing this would be to talk
to your wife. Openly and honestly and often. Let her share how she's feeling. Reassure her of your continued love and support. Help her to understand how important she is to you and that although her breasts are gone, she's still an amazing, beautiful and dynamic woman without them.
A woman you love and with whom you want to share your life. A counselor could be very helpful to both of you and help each of you in identifying and sharing your thoughts and feelings and to begin working through them.

I had lumpectomy but have several very good friends who had mastectomy and it takes time, effort and loving spouse/mate support, to become comfortable with the scars, the changed body image, to get the fears under control and begin to feel whole again. Inside is equally as important as the outside. The issues are broad and women are not only dealing with a changed body image, but also the dreadful emotional hurdles, which can take years to overcome. Perspective and healing will come but not without conscious effort, support, time and patience. Often, our first step
is in realizing that we do have the power to help ourselves to heal from our wounds. No one can do this for us but we can greatly benefit from the love and support of those closest to us and it can make our journey toward healing easier.

Seek counseling and I'm betting that your wife will agree that it's a good move. She, like yourself, is likely missing the closeness , the sharing, the giving and taking which combine to make our intimate relationships so special, unique and such an important part of who we are together.

It's tough enough to go through cancer and treatment. Something I believe is even tougher though, is to give the rest of ones life over to the emotional blitz, getting into the rut of making everything around ones self of, about and relating to cancer. It's a big hole to dig out of but dig we must if we're ever going to have peace and fulfillment in our lives again. Cancer is one of life's big punches, but scars and all, we must rise from the pain of the attempted knock out and get back up and start swinging. You can help your wife to do this. Just be there, in her corner, when she needs a hug, a smile or just someone to listen. You aren't expected to understand every feeling she has but just being there, caring and listening will make such a difference.

Some men have the ability to hold a woman and listen and be concerned, while comforting, without things heading toward the bedroom...other's may need to work on that ability. Keep in mind that your wife may not be comfortable talking with you if she feels she'll be pushed in a direction she's nowhere near ready for yet. In other words, maybe you'll have to put your sexual needs, thoughts, feelings and ideas about sex on hold for a while yet and make sure she knows you're doing that. But for the sake of your wife's recovery, the sake of your relationship and your ability to maintain fidelity, you CAN do it. No one would expect a good sexual relationship when everything else in a relationship is out of kilter.

Hope that may be helpful. I don't know what else to offer. This board represents a group of amazing and diverse ladies and I'm sure you will benefit from their honest and caring thoughts/ideas.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

Dear Dapiek, everyone reacts differently to life changing experiences. Your wife has really identified with being a cancer survivor and has chosen friends and activities that reflect that. Initially, I divided my life into Before Cancer and After Cancer and looked at people who hadn't experienced cancer as the 'uninformed'. Then, I realized how many people I knew who had experienced cancer, either their own or a loved one's. I never joined a support group or changed the people I hung out with I can relate to what you and your wife have been through. Every marriage is a series of relationships, the dating relationship, the living together relationship, the young parents relationship, etc. No one anticipates the patient/caregiver relationship, but most long term marriages will go through it. I hope your wife continues to heal and feel better. You will never regret acting honorably in your marriage and she will never forget that you did. Good luck.

dapiek,

it sounds like all your feelings and emotions are normal. my thought would be to share these feelings with your wife. just as her entire life has been turned upside down, so has yours. if you are both able to be mutually sensitive to eachother's needs, you can get get through this and have an even stronger love life and sex life than before. communication is the key.

same thing with the fact that you have lost many friends. i understand why your wife needed to make new friends. . . because only cancer survivors can truly understand how cancer impacts your life. but it can also be important to maintain old friendships--especially the ones that have been very supportive of your situation. communicate with your wife. find a time when your stress levels are at their lowest and talk it out. don't react to eachother, just listen and absorb the thoughts of the other person. then, at a later date, regroup and discuss again.

best of luck, karinlee

i have been reading this forum for a year and have not said anything. it has been i year since i heard what every woman is scared to hear . with the help of a wonderful dr and cancer center i am cancer free after a 7 cm tumor and surgery.. my husband made every dr appointment and chemo . we were married when i was 14 he was 19 i asked how he would feel about the surgery and he said you had none when we got married so what is the problem . he supported me every step of the way . i thank god for him everday he has been my rock. sex is great cause he loves me . to men who walk away when times get hard , would their wives walk away from them if the shoe was on the other foot ? remember men get breast cancer too . how sad their loss