HOORAY!! THIS WILL BE MY LAST POST

Dear Suzy,

I know in my heart that no one here was intent on hurting anyones feelings or pride.There are alot of wonderful people here, they have been through all sorts of challenges and have overcome many,and yes there are a few who haven't been as fortunate to have survived.This board is meant to be a safe haven for the sufferers, caregivers or anyone elses for whom someone in their lives have been touched with Cancer.We are here to help one another,to be there through all of this --not to hurt.

Cancer is an awful disease,it's hard on everyone.I hope You find it in Your heart to forgive any misunderstandings and focus on the real issues(dealing with the Cancer and Family).We are here if You ever need us,24/7.

God Bless You and Your Family,
Sue

Dear Suzy, I never intended to make fun of you by referring to what you posted. The only thing we know about what your sitituation is from your own words. I never said you or your husband were bad parents or didn't pay enough child support. How could I possibly know any of that? I'm sure that you care for your stepkids and believed by sharing your concerns that you wanted our opinions and ideas about the situation. Again, I never said you were a bad parent; I'm sure even the ex-wife loves her kids and is trying to do the best she can. Child protective services has nothing to do with welfare or divorce court. It is just a government agency that is set-up to protect children. They would investigate, assign a social worker and monitor the situation. They would only remove the children if they were in real danger. It is great that you make sure they have food. If ex is able to stay in bed for days and not neglect her children, she is doing better than I could. No, I don't have a perfect life. Between radiation and chemo, I can barely work part-time, but I certainly don't want you to feel sorry for me. We all have problems and try to deal with them. Good luck.

Hi there:

Well, "hooray" is an interesting choice of words to be posting here concerning such a sad situation.

I've not been on lately and so am out of the loop with this thread of discussion, but in reading a few of the replies from the caring women here, offering ideas and suggestions, I think you're off track in making accusations that you've been "made fun of", etc.. Just my opinion about that part of it.

Seems that now is not the time to be rehashing how your husband's X has driven you crazy over the years, etc.. If she's on antidepressants, then there must be a reason for that and she should not be ridiculed/judged for a condition which obviously isn't her own fault. She needs some TLC and some care, support and concern. Someone there to help her on a regular basis. The kids need this desperately. No matter what anyone judges, says or complains about, I don't know anyone who could turn their backs on such a situation of a depressed Mom who is a cancer patient, with young kids to care for and zero resources to help her get up and face each day and remain functional.

Her oldest child isn't responsible for any of this. I'm sure she does what she can but it sounds that her life has not been the greatest to this point either. Perhaps she's depressed or hamstrung, just as the Mother seems to be? She's likely terrified of what will happen to her siblings and herself if her Mother dies or has to go into hospital for an extended period, etc.. No one should have to be in such a position alone in life or so afraid...certainly not a 17 or 18 year old!

Am wondering if the old issues are the reason this Mom is refusing help when it is offered by certain individuals? I have no way of knowing but her hurt could be too deep, her resentment too long standing, etc.. Bottom line is that it does not matter what the reasons are or may be for her refusal. Those children and this Mom need help now. If she does not have a Mom, aunt, cousin or anyone else to rely upon for help, from her side of the family, then I'd get on the phone and get about securing any help possible immediately. You must. Unless you or your husband are ready, willing and able to walk in there and let her know that you're there to help and not leaving till you do so. Give her a hug and let all the old crap fade into oblivion and get busy helping this Mom and kids out. If I was the father of the children, wild horses would not stop me from doing this. Your husbands lack of action truly baffles me here. These are his kids! I'd move them all to my house temporarily if that's what it took. It is summer and the younger kids may enjoy pitching a tent in the backyard for a while or something, if space is short. The point is that there's always something positive to be done if one is willing to do it. The last thing I'd do is try to have the children removed from the home at this point, unless they are in danger of some kind. It would be devastating to them all. Each other is all they are clinging to right now. Childrens services will always try to keep a family together whenever it's feasible and possible. It sounds that there is no abuse or violence going on...just that the Mom is unable to get up and function. Clearly, when the Mom gets help the children will benefit from that and that's probably all that's needed, first and foremost. Reassurance to them that they're not alone and that help is happening. In this case, I'd venture to guess that if the children do need alternative living arrangements for a period of time while the Mom gets help, then the obvious first choice would be with their own father.

These are human beings here, hurting, dysfunctional and in what appears to be very serious need. Encourage your husband to take some responsibility and with your help, the two of you can help tremendously. Just checking in on them isn't nearly enough. If your hubby and yourself could take the kids for just a week or 10 days and also make sure that M gets to her doctor (one of you should go with her to that appoint.)I'd bet that just that alone, would get things on the road to improvement. As a Mom, I can't begin to imagine how M must feel, lying there in her dark depression or whatever has a grip on her, feeling helpless and not even caring, while her children simply move around her like ghosts from another life! The stuff of nightmares! Do something good for this family and just feel good that you have the ability to do it.

If there was ever a time in this life when one has the opportunity to rise above something and be bigger than the sum of one's parts, this is it!

The Mom may need medical intervention, she may need a medication change, she may need counseling in addition to all that and more. Regardless of what a beast she may have been in the past, she is in dire need right now and that must come first.

Me, I couldn't sleep at night, knowing what kind of condition that Mom and kids are in right now. If I couldn't possibly help I'd get busy with some agencies who can and make sure that they have what they need and that they're all fed, safe and well as possible.

If this post is not to your liking, that's too bad because I really wanted to be able to try to help you to help this family. That's my only reason for taking the time to respond at all. We all bring many issues here and we all share and we hash things out and more often than not, something someone says or the way they may say it, sheds some light. That's what we do here...share and care and offer love and support. When we toss an issue into the ring of our discussion, we fully expect feedback and whether we like it all the time or not, there it is, given for our consideration and thought. If we see one of our sisters on a pity trip she can't get off of, stuck on an angry trip, you name it, we respond. We owe that to one another and we owe you nothing less than our honest suggestions, thoughts, ideas and opinions, as best we can give based upon what we
gather from what you tell us. It's sort of like: "you asked for it, you got it". Don't be angry about it. As with everything else in life, take what you need/can use and leave the rest. It's simply human caring at its finest and I hope some of it, any of it, may help you in some way.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink