Outside looking in

pia123run · August 2005

Good morning. It is morning here in Chicago Il. Well as some of you may know, I have found this site becouse my pa has cancer. He is 64 years old dx with stage 2 rectal cancer. I have cancer too, along with my pa. I do not have it Physical but emotionally. I am my pa care giver and advocate. It has touched my life, changed it forever too. I am however on the outside looking in. I am trying to understand and cope with this monster as much as everyone else. I have recieved alot of information here at this sight and sense a great connection so, i keep coming back. I do have one problem. My pa seems to be deppresed at times. When we talk about his care and future he gets tearful eyes but, never cries and i can see the fear of the unknown in his face an expression i have never seen before. The one thing i can not do is truly understand what he is going thru emotionaly. I want to help him but, I really don't know how or if i can. Yes, i can help him get his appointments together and go with him to his appointments. I can access any information he requests via internet. I can cook, clean and help him with his tasks however, I don't think i can take away his fears or saddness. Many of you here have cancer and know what my pa is going thru. in your experience what advise could you give to me to help him. Thank you all. Pia

scouty · August 2005

That's a tough one Pia!!!!

But I completely understand what you must feel. What goes on inside your head is hard to say out loud and it is scary at times. Scary as hell. I have planned my own funeral and even found myself planning the clothes I would wear with the casket open. I was crying and picked an outfit everyone always said I looked good in and then all of a sudden I thought to myself "I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE FOR ETERNITY IN THAT OUTFIT". All of a sudden I was laughing and got over it. I talked about it to a few of the other survivors here and found they had all done the same kinds of things. I would start printing out some of our threads for him to read or for you to read to him. That way he will know he is not alone and the mental and emotional part of the disease is real and perfectly "normal". I don't know if he is computer savvy or not but we would welcome him here if you could pull that off.

I found it hard to be around too many people sometimes. I grew tired of them "feeling sorry" for me and treating me like I was "dying". I cut out all negative energy types of people too. I wanted to laugh more and this site has been a godsend for that.

I'm sure others will have ideas too. Great question and your PA is so lucky to have you around!!!!!

Lisa P.

StacyGleaso · August 2005

Pia,

I can only speak for myself, but this was my "take" on things:

The only time I got "choked up" was when I thought about those I would be leaving behind. I could care less if I personally was here or not, it was those who depended on me that would get me emotional. It wasn't fighting cancer, it was how others who honestly depended on me would have THEIR lives changed all because of ME and my inability to fight this. Apparently, that was enough to get me through everything, because I'm still here almost 4 years later after being diagnosed with Stage 4. Each day becomes a little easier...I promise!

Fingers Crossed for your Dad's success,

Stacy

cheil · August 2005

Hi Pia, I echo Stacy and Lisa's feelings, the things I have become teary on are, missing a few more years with my family, dread of my last few months in great pain, and being alone whilst the world goes on as normal all around you. Just give him a great big hug, and get him to celebrate life, maybe he needs to get something out of his system first though, hope to help, Jim.

alihamilton · August 2005

Hi Pia, I understand just how you are feeling as I went through similar emotions when my husband was dx stage 111C in July 2003. Your father is showing very understandable emotions... depression, tearful eyes etc. And we, as caregivers are so desperate to make our loved ones feel better. Just being there and doing all you are doing is what your father needs from you. You cannot change what he is going through but your support and love will help him through it all. You are right when you say you cannot take away his sadness and fears. And remember you are experiencing your own sadness and fear too, so you must look after yourself as well. Do not neglect yourself as being a caregiver can be overwhelming and exhausting, physically and emotionally. Your father has Stage 2 so he stands a very good chance of recovery. Just encourage him but allow him his feelings. You are a wonderful daughter and he is lucky to have you with him. This does change your life forever...even when he has finished treatment, you will remember the pain and stress. It is all part of our life experience and in many ways makes us stronger. It also brings out the best (and worst!) of us.
We are here to help you as much as we can so do keep coming back.
Ali

Unknown · August 2005

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rthornton · August 2005

Pia,

That is such an enormous question I do not even know where to begin, but I think that the others have offered some really great advice. I think that your pa is so lucky to have you around. You are very good to help with the practical matters as you have described. The emotional matters, of course, they are a part of this struggle.

I always get most sad when thinking of how my cancer affects those that I love. But that makes me fight harder, because I know that it's not just for me. And maybe it's the same for your father. One day this will be a memory for the both of you, and you will have all these experiences behind you and be better people, stronger and more caring and more in touch with yourselves, because of all that you went through together.

I did not know you live in Chicago. I used to live in Wicker Park. It's a beautiful city.

I wish you the best. If there are any questions I can answer (I am a cancer patient now, but I have been there as both of my parents fought colon cancer. My mother died from colon cancer, but my father has beaten it twice!), please feel free to send me a personal email thru CSN.

Rodney

HowardJ · August 2005

Pia,
I commend you for your compassion, thoughtfulness, and desire to understand. It's very hard to describe having cancer as "this is what it's like to have cancer" since everyone's experience is different. I've just read a book which might help you understand some of the things he's going through. It's called-- "Help Me Live: 20 Things People with Cancer Want You to Know", by Lori Hope. I got my copy on Amazon.com. My wife is reading it now and she's begining to understand.

As for the depression, many cancer patients experience it along with fear, anger, and saddness. If it does not seem to be getting better you should encourage him to seek help. There are therapists who specialize in treating cancer patients, helping them to cope with this nasty thing.
Howard

kangatoo · August 2005

HowardJ said:
Pia,
I commend you for your compassion, thoughtfulness, and desire to understand. It's very hard to describe having cancer as "this is what it's like to have cancer" since everyone's experience is different. I've just read a book which might help you understand some of the things he's going through. It's called-- "Help Me Live: 20 Things People with Cancer Want You to Know", by Lori Hope. I got my copy on Amazon.com. My wife is reading it now and she's begining to understand.

As for the depression, many cancer patients experience it along with fear, anger, and saddness. If it does not seem to be getting better you should encourage him to seek help. There are therapists who specialize in treating cancer patients, helping them to cope with this nasty thing.
Howard

Pia...I am also stage 2 and with the help of all our friends here and my lovely wife,Jen and my own kids I will reach another milestone in feb. 06....2 years NED. Fear never really leaves and the odd days in depression seem to be a part of the journey. You are doing everything you can do to support your pa. I think that you will always question yourself whether you are doing enough.
Cut yourself some slack. You are doing fine! You will probably never be able to see him without that fear Pia, because to be truthfull, cancer is there, it can return and we try to keep positive. However, it can be beaten in time.What you are already doing is going a long way to making his life easier dealing with all this. My greatest fear is the thought of my Jen and kids losing me. But this is something I work on, something I try to turn into positive thoughts. You, like Jen will of course not understand the true way we feel, however, just being supportive is a step toward understanding. We could not ask for more.
Love him, cuddle him and be there for him always during good days....and bad. You have a heavy load on your shoulders, take it easy on yourself. As I said, you are doing fine!!!!!
Here's a hugg from us both,
Ross(((((((((((((Pia)))))))))))))))Jen

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