Extreme Emotional Distress

scouty said:

Oh Deneen,

Your post sure does sound very familiar to me. Now understand that I am getting ready to come from my patient perspective and I have always been a very strong and stubborn individual. I too was stage iv last march and had the support offers to "take care of me". I rejected them all, since I thought at the time that I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself, just as I had for my entire adult life (and so far that has proved true). In the back of my mind, I felt it was a mind over matter thing and part of the chess match against cancer was all about feeding your spirit and your soul. My spirit had been all about nuturing and helping others before myself (that is probably one of the reasons I got sick). At the same time, I also knew there was possibly going to be a time when I might need more help later on. I did not want to "burn anyone out" before it was necessary. I had read too many times how these kinds of illnesses can rip a family apart. I didn't want any part of that.

Chemo does stuff to your brain, especially the multiple drugs you get when you are stage iv. It numbs your senses, your feelings, your emotions, and what is within your spirit and soul over time. I had 4 of them. The drugs take their toll and expose parts of you that you don't want just everyone to see, no matter how close to you they are. It is almost humilating to you or at least that is what you fell like. I did the 4 chemo drugs for 8 months and the first 6 were fairly easy, the last 2 were brutal. They made me look sicker then I really was and I got sick and tired of everyone "walking on eggshells" around me. I lived by myself and was almost glad for it. Don't get me wrong, because I had family and loved ones around me, but I really didn't like the "look". The one where everyone treats you like you are dying and they just want to make you as comfortable as they can. I hated that look and the subsequent treatment. It made me madder then the cancer ever did, but it took a while for that to surface after I stopped chemo. It was like a delayed reaction against the whole experience. I knew deep down that I was not dying yet and resented the "pampering".

I admire that you moved in with him and took care of him while he was on chemo, but now he is doing better and is probably just longing for his solitude again (like his life was before the diagnosis). Sure, it will never be the same, but solitude and recovery are all aligned with internal healing and I think he just wants some space.

Try to keep the noise levels down. I personally know that while I was getting the chemo toxins out of my body, noise and too much activity irritated the **** out of me, unless I could plan for it. Once a week was plenty.

Give your Dad some time and solitude, I think that is all he wants right now. AND, please do not take this as a slap in your face for your sacrifices. If you are truly there for him, you will understand. But, you will shed some tears as you get there. I personally think there is such a thing as "integrity in dying". It may not happen today but with this disease comes the reality of it all, especially when you are stage iv. Everyone deals with it differently.

I agree with the others about getting some outside help too. He may need to talk about some of his internal emotions and I think it could help you too.

I hope this helps and does not offend you in any way.

Hugs to you,

Lisa P.

deneenb said:

Thank you everybody for your suggestions. I really wish my Dad would speak with someone who could help him sort out his feelings. He just refuses to speak with any type of counselor. I've always been the one he would talk to. I guess in a way I'm the person in our family who everyone views as the "family counselor" but I'm in over my head on this one.

Thank You,
Deneen