Ironic

I am finding myself all of a sudden caught in the anxiety and fear, things that are embedded in my brain. Funny, I had just wrote my doctor an e-mail telling her how good I had been feeling since getting off all the medications that I have been relying on for the past 6 years, for the chronic pain I had experienced.
I hadn't seen my gp for almost a year now. This is the first time since cancer that I hadn't the need it seemed. I had found a small lump earlier at the jaw bone joint but forgot about it until now. For the last few days much like the pain I experienced before diagnosis, when a lump grew in my armpit, taking me by surprise. I felt along the jaw and God not another lump. I am unraveling quickly, waiting for my appointment to come on Tuesday. I sit her wondering how I could of let this happen, backing down from a MRI fight a year ago. I wanted them to give me one and they wouldn't so gave up and took a sabatical from it all. This has just sent me off the deep end, remembering now what it was like when I found the first lump. The hardest thing right now is trying to act like nothing is bothering me when I am scared to death. It amazes me that one woman could find so many lumps her life but know so many others have gone through more. It makes you want to stop looking.
I can see it has been along time since I have vented and can't believe I am back here feeling like this. Thought I had done so much and moved so far from these feelings only to have them all flooding back to me.
Thanks for listening,
Tara