Chemo's over...Now What

johnom said:

Dear Bryan,
Great thought provoking post. Whoever said "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" (Roosevelt?) wasn't thinking of colorectal cancer, was he? It seems impossible to let yourself believe you could be okay. I think one of the reasons I had a hard time was that I convinced myself I was ready for terrible news and a death sentence, and then I was afraid to let that go for fear I would have to get ready again some time. In other words, having armed yourself for the fight, and having fought as hard as you possibly can, you don't want to lay down your sword too soon.
I had the exact same feelings you did at the end of chemo. I even felt strange when they took out my port...almost guilty about it, like I was no longer going to fight cancer as hard.

Good job on the fight. You are and will win!

Hullo Bryan. Mate...if in oz they call us "bronzed ozzies/macho males" then this wimp here would not win an arm wrestle! I gotta tell you that I had the exact same feelings the day I finished chemo. A mate of mine had transported me to the clinic(I was too sick to drive myself)
Imagine my horror and embarrassment when at the end of the session I broke down and cried! Yup.....typical "macho" man loses tha plot! My clinic gals came straight over and put the screens around me for privacy as there were others also in the ward doing chemo. In tears I apologised to them and my mate for my lack of control. Well, they were great! ...and so was my mate..so understanding. One of the clinic nurses told me it was "very common" for patients to break down when they knew their chemo was at an end. She said that the sheer knowledge of knowing that "our security blanket", so to speak is taken away from us after 6 months is very stressfull. That was exactly how I felt....it seemed that I was being abandoned and my security was gone. Others I have spoken to doing chemo in the same clinic suffer the same reaction...a pretty normal one on all accounts.
So go with the flow Bryan, there is nothing new in this and the feeling will pass in time. Even now, 1 year on and NED there is still fear in my mind. I think we all have that constant fear...in fact I am sure we do. Coping with it is so hard.
All the best mate, love n huggs, kanga n Jen

You describe a well known (personally exerienced) phenomena that many here will identify with. We all hate the treatements we have to have and endure the horrible side effects but at least they do make us feel secure that we are doing somehting to prevent this **** returning. I clearly remember that feeling when I stopped my chemo and really struggled to cope for a period.
Give it time though it will get easier. This next stage of wait and see is definitely one of the hardest esp after your previous experience. There are no guarantees in this game and that is bloody difficult to accept. It is this stage that I have found support from others (includig this site) most helpful. Talk to those yo have close to you about how you are feeling- they probably are going through thte same emotions. Keep yourself busy and enjoy the fact that probably feel physically more robust than you did during treatment. Try to reintroduce as much of your old life that you may havbe neglected during treatment again.
Let us know how you get on but do realise you aren't alone in feeling the way you do,
Steve

i have been batteling this beast since 98 and i remember when my chemo was over i too was thinking now what. well as time went on i learned how to deal with now what and kept myself busy and doing things i really liked to do one being working out. there is know simple solution to this except enjoy that you are doing so well and when and if it returns then deal with it but until then enjoy the freedom that the chemo and the surg has given to you and know this last round could of taken care of it forever. one day at a time is all we have been given so take and live it the best you know how.

nettie

I've been there! But I did also want to send my congratulations on finishing the chemo. The up side of that may not have sunk in yet with you, but it will. Meanwhile, I'm celebrating for you.