Help me understand...
Comments
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Your story is very movinig and demonstrates how so much of htis illness can in fact be harder for those that care for cancer sufferers than for the patient themselves. i know all too well my wife went through soem incredibly low times through out my treatment and diagnosis but she was always there for me and that was all I could ask from her. This is in truth all you can do for your mother- be ther for her in both practical and emotional ways. Be there if she wants to talk- respect her if she doesn't. It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can just now.
It is important to also give yourself soem time for you as well. Some time away from the worry and the fears and time to jsut do some 'normal' things that you used to enjoy before all this came upon you. It is not selfish to need this time as it will allow you to be more able to provide your mum with the support she needs when you are there. You need to look after yourself too.
The other thing is to find places you can off load your own feelings and here can be a great place to do that so you are welcome tocome here as often as you need. You may aslo be able to access support through the oncology services as well who often offer support groups or 1-1 counselling for carers. Teh other advise it sto talk to your mom. I remember being scared that there were things that my wife was going through that she felt she couldn't ell me about for fear of over burdening me. But it was better when she jsut opened up about her worries and in truth they were pretty much the same as mine. If you feel able do talk to your mom about your owrries- it is unlikely to overburden her and it may make her feel more able to be open about her own worries.
Do let us know how things gofor you both and do feel free to some back here when ever you need it,
Steve0 -
KKLoop's Daughter,
I am sooo sorry that you are going through this. Many of us that are actually fighting this disease feel that it's you, the caregiver, who gets the worst of this disease. We know how hard it is for you to have to sit and watch us dealing with the effects of chemo, surgery and radiation. What we want more than anything is that you never have to see us sick and that you never have to confront our possible death-especially our sons and daughters-I have a 20 year old daughter and the worst moment for me was having to tell her about my diagnosis and then more than a year later about the spread.
Is your mom not eating because of nausea and diarrhea or pain? If she's in pain still talk to her doctors and tell them she needs another pain management option. There are all kinds out there. If it's nausea, diarrhea, again, talk to the docs. They may have a few more options. I have to tell you it was almost impossible for my husband to get me to eat when I was going through my chemo/radiation combo. Frustated the heck out of him, but as much as i loved him, my stomach could not stand the thought of putting anything in. Meant a few days of IV hydration-fortunately never needed a feeding tube.
Finally, if you can't find a friend that, although he/she has never gone through something like this, is still someone you can talk to, look for a support group for cancer patients and family. There's usually one affiliated with the hospital.
Our children are precious to us. Take care of yourself too. May sound strange but please don't lose yourself. Go out and do things that give you pleasure.
Mary0 -
Please don't be hard on yourself. You are doing all the right things. I think it is just hard being an only child and not having a sibling to share your feelings. Yes, there are other family members to help, but I don't think it is the same. Your mom is probably doing the best she can as far as eating and all. If her blood counts get too low, they will give her shots to boost them. Please try and take a break from it all once and awhile. You can only be brave and strong if you give yourself some time away. Your mother is blessed to have you by her side.
Kay0 -
Thank you...I do talk with Mom very often regarding my concerns and, being my fabulous Mom...she works hard to put on great faces for me..I tell her not too...I have 2 kids and they keep me busy so I do have many moments to keep my mind distracted...last night I had just had enough!!!! Thank you again..steved said:Your story is very movinig and demonstrates how so much of htis illness can in fact be harder for those that care for cancer sufferers than for the patient themselves. i know all too well my wife went through soem incredibly low times through out my treatment and diagnosis but she was always there for me and that was all I could ask from her. This is in truth all you can do for your mother- be ther for her in both practical and emotional ways. Be there if she wants to talk- respect her if she doesn't. It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can just now.
It is important to also give yourself soem time for you as well. Some time away from the worry and the fears and time to jsut do some 'normal' things that you used to enjoy before all this came upon you. It is not selfish to need this time as it will allow you to be more able to provide your mum with the support she needs when you are there. You need to look after yourself too.
The other thing is to find places you can off load your own feelings and here can be a great place to do that so you are welcome tocome here as often as you need. You may aslo be able to access support through the oncology services as well who often offer support groups or 1-1 counselling for carers. Teh other advise it sto talk to your mom. I remember being scared that there were things that my wife was going through that she felt she couldn't ell me about for fear of over burdening me. But it was better when she jsut opened up about her worries and in truth they were pretty much the same as mine. If you feel able do talk to your mom about your owrries- it is unlikely to overburden her and it may make her feel more able to be open about her own worries.
Do let us know how things gofor you both and do feel free to some back here when ever you need it,
Steve0 -
Thank you so much...you too are a very sweet Mom. I really can't grasp her eating issue. I bring her some food, and she eats it all...She told my husband that the meds make her throat feel closed up and that she is uncomfortable eating sometimes. I know weight lose is very normal...but it is so hard for me to see her so fraile. She too...trys real hard to not look sick.goldfinch said:KKLoop's Daughter,
I am sooo sorry that you are going through this. Many of us that are actually fighting this disease feel that it's you, the caregiver, who gets the worst of this disease. We know how hard it is for you to have to sit and watch us dealing with the effects of chemo, surgery and radiation. What we want more than anything is that you never have to see us sick and that you never have to confront our possible death-especially our sons and daughters-I have a 20 year old daughter and the worst moment for me was having to tell her about my diagnosis and then more than a year later about the spread.
Is your mom not eating because of nausea and diarrhea or pain? If she's in pain still talk to her doctors and tell them she needs another pain management option. There are all kinds out there. If it's nausea, diarrhea, again, talk to the docs. They may have a few more options. I have to tell you it was almost impossible for my husband to get me to eat when I was going through my chemo/radiation combo. Frustated the heck out of him, but as much as i loved him, my stomach could not stand the thought of putting anything in. Meant a few days of IV hydration-fortunately never needed a feeding tube.
Finally, if you can't find a friend that, although he/she has never gone through something like this, is still someone you can talk to, look for a support group for cancer patients and family. There's usually one affiliated with the hospital.
Our children are precious to us. Take care of yourself too. May sound strange but please don't lose yourself. Go out and do things that give you pleasure.
Mary0 -
Thank you...I feel like such a spoiled child, even though I'm 32...you guys are fighting and Mom is fighting....this isn't hurting me physically (other than putting on weight) but emotionally...I just pray that God will not allow her to suffer....she doesn't want it by any means and I dumb extremely sensitive self can't handle it....I have learned through all of this though...you handle what you have to handle. Thank you very much....Kanort said:Please don't be hard on yourself. You are doing all the right things. I think it is just hard being an only child and not having a sibling to share your feelings. Yes, there are other family members to help, but I don't think it is the same. Your mom is probably doing the best she can as far as eating and all. If her blood counts get too low, they will give her shots to boost them. Please try and take a break from it all once and awhile. You can only be brave and strong if you give yourself some time away. Your mother is blessed to have you by her side.
Kay
DeeDra0 -
I am new to this website today and have already found tremendous help. My husband just came out of the hospital last Sunday after tumor removal and reconstruction to the base of his tongue and we are meeting next week to discuss radiation/Chemo. He is in so much pain from all the wound sites and his mouth is full of saliva that chokes him and blows through his trach wound at night. The need for me to help him is so strong and I cannot find him any relief. I understand what you are going through and know we have a long way to go. Sadness seems to be part of this disease for what has been and what could come. I do keep telling my husband and myself that this is temporary (although hell) and he will get better. He does have the tube and that has helped us know he is getting the nutrition he needs which I do believe has given him help. Good luck to you and your mom and know this helps other people like me just to hear your honesty. SD0
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Deedra, I too am a caregiver to my husband Tim who is 52 with stage III colon cancer, he had surgery on May 6 last year and has just finished up chemo in February (had to be postponed for awhile due to an infection in the summer) I truly know what you are going through and the one thing I can say is listen to all that these remarkable people have to say they have saved me from bouts of depression that made me feel like driving off a bridge. I now know that Tim needed to feel in control of something and for awhile it was his eating or lack of it. We went round and round with how important nutrition is at this time etc. Someone on this site suggested I offer him ensure plus and a supplement, low and behold he would drink it and I would feel better, did it make him feel better? I have no idea, but it helped me. Eventually he started eating again, some things just never tasted good and some still don't but he has gained all his weight back (and then some) and is doing great. I won't repeat all the great advice you already got but I suggest you print out these responses to prove to yourself you are not alone and all things are possible. Call your local cancer society they have caregiver buddies they can hook you up with it is great to have someone who's been there just like you to talk to. Good luck, my prayers are with you, it's a long battle that can be won as seen here. Louise0
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I am with you on the temporary thing. I tell Mom that a lot...I have so many stories from this site and I KNOW-----that she can and will get through this...I love to read this postings...I get so much strength when I get down. Glad to chat with you. You know....we are all we have, again...I have great friends who would talk all day and night with me.but it helps to have people who KNOW what you are talking about and who can share with you what works with them. DeeDRaSdawe said:I am new to this website today and have already found tremendous help. My husband just came out of the hospital last Sunday after tumor removal and reconstruction to the base of his tongue and we are meeting next week to discuss radiation/Chemo. He is in so much pain from all the wound sites and his mouth is full of saliva that chokes him and blows through his trach wound at night. The need for me to help him is so strong and I cannot find him any relief. I understand what you are going through and know we have a long way to go. Sadness seems to be part of this disease for what has been and what could come. I do keep telling my husband and myself that this is temporary (although hell) and he will get better. He does have the tube and that has helped us know he is getting the nutrition he needs which I do believe has given him help. Good luck to you and your mom and know this helps other people like me just to hear your honesty. SD
0 -
I understand the need for control. Mom has always been in control........of everything! Very independent, didn't need any help. She does have some Boost(like Ensure) and I have found receipes to cook with it to make foods "powerful". I can't begin to grasp what she is fighting...I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt she is fighting as hard as possible. She wants to get better and as I have read many posts........that's half the battle. It is a long battle and you are right...it can and will be won!!!! Thank you. I am looking into a support group for me too. Right now I am so focused on helping Mom find an outlet, and she is worried about me worrying about her....what a cycle...I am fighting it too and I am taking care of myself...I just wish that I could stop this emotional eating....summer is coming and I'd love to be thin....ha,hatimlou said:Deedra, I too am a caregiver to my husband Tim who is 52 with stage III colon cancer, he had surgery on May 6 last year and has just finished up chemo in February (had to be postponed for awhile due to an infection in the summer) I truly know what you are going through and the one thing I can say is listen to all that these remarkable people have to say they have saved me from bouts of depression that made me feel like driving off a bridge. I now know that Tim needed to feel in control of something and for awhile it was his eating or lack of it. We went round and round with how important nutrition is at this time etc. Someone on this site suggested I offer him ensure plus and a supplement, low and behold he would drink it and I would feel better, did it make him feel better? I have no idea, but it helped me. Eventually he started eating again, some things just never tasted good and some still don't but he has gained all his weight back (and then some) and is doing great. I won't repeat all the great advice you already got but I suggest you print out these responses to prove to yourself you are not alone and all things are possible. Call your local cancer society they have caregiver buddies they can hook you up with it is great to have someone who's been there just like you to talk to. Good luck, my prayers are with you, it's a long battle that can be won as seen here. Louise
Thank you!!!DeeDra0 -
Hello. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I am the cancer survivor, I am currently 34 - diagnosed at 32 yrs old. My husband had so much trouble dealing with my illness. He finally broke down one day and talked to me about his fears of my death. It got better from there.
This battle is sooo difficult for the caregivers. Be strong. My hubbie started anti-depressants, but refused therapy.. it helped a lot. Time is the other healer.
We joined Netfliks and ordered every possible comedy there is... funny movies and laughter are great healers... the more you smile the better.
The stress from your mom's illness, in addition to your stress as a mom is alot. Give yourself your own healing time. You are a wonderful care taker. Just by caring and worrying and loving - you are doing it all.
Take deep breaths and take it one step at a time. Try to allow yourself your own healing time... but we all know how hard it is.
YOU ARE NOT SELFISH!!!! Come here anytime! Be well. jana0 -
Hi DeeDra...My wife was diagnosed in October with stage IV, did the surgery, most of the radiation, and now is half-way through chemo. It's just like you say, watching a once very active person get smacked down by this disease, and then get smacked down again by the treatment, is very disturbing and makes you realize how you, as a caregiver, have very little control. Sometimes I feel like trying to help my wife get through this is like offering someone an umbrella during a hurricane.
Anyway, I share your frustration and anger. But don't feel selfish or like a whiner!!!! If you don't vent somewhere (and here is a great place), you'll go absolutely nuts! Keep in touch and take care of yourself too.
Jimmy0 -
Hi,
I have the perspective of a daughter of a colon cancer patient, and have, myself, been treated for colon cancer, stage III, with surgery in 03 and 6 months of chemo. I can tell you for a fact that it was much harder for me to deal with my dad's cancer and treatment than my own. The helplessness I felt with regards to my dad's illness and treatment was just overwhelming. I asked my PCP for some anti-anxiety meds just to get through the tough days and those nights when I just couldn't fall asleep. (Ativan was a life saver for me then)
Your mom is lucky to have a daughter who cares so much. You've gotten lots of great comments here...hope it helps. With time, I was able to settle down, and my dad progressed through his chemo (at age 82) like a trooper. One of his favorite foods was canned pears; mine was the filling of pumpkin pie!
Be sure she has let her doc know about any pain she is experiencing. Physical pain can have many antidotes.
By the way, my dad's cancer wasn't diagnosed until he was 82, but the docs thought it had been growing for years. Mine was discovered at a baseline colonoscopy when I was 53. Be sure to look out for your own screening needs.
Hang in there; I hope it feels more manageable for you soon. Judy0 -
All of the above and then some DeeDra! My lovely wife Jen is my carer..or "angel" as I prefer to call her. Being a carer/family/friend is possibly one of the hardest journeys one can make in life. Take all on board that others have said here. There is no easy way out but for want of support and love and understanding you are coming to the right place. Our very best to you DeeDra.jsabol said:Hi,
I have the perspective of a daughter of a colon cancer patient, and have, myself, been treated for colon cancer, stage III, with surgery in 03 and 6 months of chemo. I can tell you for a fact that it was much harder for me to deal with my dad's cancer and treatment than my own. The helplessness I felt with regards to my dad's illness and treatment was just overwhelming. I asked my PCP for some anti-anxiety meds just to get through the tough days and those nights when I just couldn't fall asleep. (Ativan was a life saver for me then)
Your mom is lucky to have a daughter who cares so much. You've gotten lots of great comments here...hope it helps. With time, I was able to settle down, and my dad progressed through his chemo (at age 82) like a trooper. One of his favorite foods was canned pears; mine was the filling of pumpkin pie!
Be sure she has let her doc know about any pain she is experiencing. Physical pain can have many antidotes.
By the way, my dad's cancer wasn't diagnosed until he was 82, but the docs thought it had been growing for years. Mine was discovered at a baseline colonoscopy when I was 53. Be sure to look out for your own screening needs.
Hang in there; I hope it feels more manageable for you soon. Judy
You need just as much support as your mum,
be safe n be well, kanga n Jen0 -
Hello There!!!! I only know to well what you are feeling!!! I was a caregiver for my husband who unfortunately lost his battle with this monster.
What you are feeling is normal!!! It is the hardest thing that you have to go through. From what I have read you are doing everything right. All you can really do is be there for her. Believe it or not you are her anchor. Your mom knowing that she isn't fighting this alone is the best medicine. Just talk to you mom as you are and knowing that you want to protect her you have to let her do what she wants. My husband was very independent and never asked anyone for help and when he had to it was very difficult for him. He knew things were tough for me and he worked until the week before he died. I was so worried when he left the house when he could barely walk but I had to let him go and do what he needed to do. I was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life.
The people here had to listen to me say just about the same thing as you are saying and if it wasn't for them continueing to help me through some tough time today I would of given up and endded it with Bob.
I hope that I made some sense. I haven't been all there lately. My great friends here are doing there best to keep me grounded.
Please if I can help you I am here email me anytime!!
Best Wishes and Hugs coming your way for you and Mom. Just remember to take care of yourself!!!!!
Sue0 -
Thank you. I just feel selfish because I am only hurting emotionally. Mom is hurting physically, emotionally, socially and financially (lots of ally's there). It is a process and we will make it through this. Best of luck with you wife and her treatment...we have been where you are and those were the best days...little did we know how quickly this thing takes you through the nasty side before you see the good again.JKendall said:Hi DeeDra...My wife was diagnosed in October with stage IV, did the surgery, most of the radiation, and now is half-way through chemo. It's just like you say, watching a once very active person get smacked down by this disease, and then get smacked down again by the treatment, is very disturbing and makes you realize how you, as a caregiver, have very little control. Sometimes I feel like trying to help my wife get through this is like offering someone an umbrella during a hurricane.
Anyway, I share your frustration and anger. But don't feel selfish or like a whiner!!!! If you don't vent somewhere (and here is a great place), you'll go absolutely nuts! Keep in touch and take care of yourself too.
Jimmy0 -
Thank you. I just feel selfish because I am only hurting emotionally. Mom is hurting physically, emotionally, socially and financially (lots of ally's there). It is a process and we will make it through this. Best of luck with you wife and her treatment...we have been where you are and those were the best days...little did we know how quickly this thing takes you through the nasty side before you see the good again.JKendall said:Hi DeeDra...My wife was diagnosed in October with stage IV, did the surgery, most of the radiation, and now is half-way through chemo. It's just like you say, watching a once very active person get smacked down by this disease, and then get smacked down again by the treatment, is very disturbing and makes you realize how you, as a caregiver, have very little control. Sometimes I feel like trying to help my wife get through this is like offering someone an umbrella during a hurricane.
Anyway, I share your frustration and anger. But don't feel selfish or like a whiner!!!! If you don't vent somewhere (and here is a great place), you'll go absolutely nuts! Keep in touch and take care of yourself too.
Jimmy0 -
Thank you. I just feel selfish because I am only hurting emotionally. Mom is hurting physically, emotionally, socially and financially (lots of ally's there). It is a process and we will make it through this. Best of luck with you wife and her treatment...we have been where you are and those were the best days...little did we know how quickly this thing takes you through the nasty side before you see the good again.JKendall said:Hi DeeDra...My wife was diagnosed in October with stage IV, did the surgery, most of the radiation, and now is half-way through chemo. It's just like you say, watching a once very active person get smacked down by this disease, and then get smacked down again by the treatment, is very disturbing and makes you realize how you, as a caregiver, have very little control. Sometimes I feel like trying to help my wife get through this is like offering someone an umbrella during a hurricane.
Anyway, I share your frustration and anger. But don't feel selfish or like a whiner!!!! If you don't vent somewhere (and here is a great place), you'll go absolutely nuts! Keep in touch and take care of yourself too.
Jimmy0
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