Want to quit but holding on.

bsrules · March 2005

Hello There!!! I wasn't going to post but I have been sitting here feeling sorry for myself again. I wasn't going to post unless I knew something or had something good to say but emily disagreed. So here I am. I had a rough night and today being so beautiful you would think that it would put me in a better frame of mind but no such luck. I was supposed to go to work at my second job but just didn't have it in me. I came home and did what Bob and I always did on the first nice day after spring was supposed to start. I sat in a chair in the middle of the driveway looking at the fields and instead of thinking about the wild flowers and what our game plan was once thinks dried out, I was crying and thinking about doing all the things we loved to do together - alone now. I often wonder why I didn't just end it with Bob and then we would still be together and I wouldn't have to feel the way I do right now. I was afraid of what would happen after Bob died and I was right. I am alone. I spoke to my Sister- in-Law last night and told her what was going on and she promised not to tell anyone. It didn't make me feel any better. I did find out why Bob's brother hadn't been up as I already knew but got it confirmed. He just can't come up here with Bob not here. I totally understand but I need him, not to work but just to talk to. I know that Bob told him to take care of me which wasn't fair to Erv. I haven't see Erv since Super Bowl Sat. and haven't seem either one of the kids. I finally heard from my step daughter 2 days ago and didn't talk to her just the machine. No one has come around. I know that they miss Bob as he had such a pressence about him. I try not to show how I truely feel around them as they don't know me that way and can't handle it. I am so tired of turning my true feeling off and putting on a front. I hate to admit it but I have thought about just taking some of Bob's pills and sleeping for days, but I didn't as I know that is NOT what he would want me to do. He would want me to pull myself together but I can't. Reality is slamming me in the face and I can't handle it. Now with Easter just around the corner I have to once again bury my feelings and put on a happy face to deal with everyone. I don't want to anymore. They are moving on with their lives and I am going backwards. I am scared about what will be happening within the next 5 days and I just want to quit everything. I am so tired of being strong!! Everyone tells me that Bob is with me but I need him here physically!!! I need to feel him holding my hand and giving me a hig hug and telling me that everything will be ok and that we will get through this. I know that isn't possible. I hold his ashes so tight but can't feel anything.

I know that you guys think that I am nuts and that you are tired of telling me that that isn't true. I just don't know what to tell you. I know that you guys don't need to hear my mess. I was only a caregiver and can't even imagin what you guys are going through. I only know what Bob went through and possibly what he was feeling. You guys were kind enough to take me under your wing even though I wasn't the one with colon cancer. I feel that you guys might be better off not hearing about all the bad from me and how it feels when this monster wins and takes your loved ones away from the people they love.

Well, I have bore some of my sole and if you guys are tired of hearing this as I have read in some of the post about others. Please let me know and I'll stop. I am angry, not at you guys or at Bob but at myself for feeling the way that I do and not being able to do what Bob wants me to do and move on.

The best of luck to all of you and you will always be in my prayers!!!!

Love Always,

Sue

grandma047 · March 2005

Oh, Dear sweet Sue. I know you are hurting so much. And...you don't have to put on a front here. Vent or whatever you need to do. Just be yourself. I can't even begin to know what you are going through. Yes, you weren't the one with cancer, but you were even more. You were a caregiver. I think it is sometimes worse on the caregiver, because I know my husband sometimes just feels helpless. I can see the sadness in his face and it breaks my heart. If I don't beat this, I want my husband to go on. And...you are strong. I know you have it in you. You have a lot going on right now, with your health and promising Bob you would take care of it. I know you're worried about that too. I am saying many prayers for you. You have become a very good friend and I couldn't stand it if something happened to you. It's not your time to leave yet. God has a plan for you. I don't know what to say about how to deal with missing Bob. The closest person I ever lost was a baby daughter. It has been almost 26 years ago and it still hurts. I can think about her now and not cry though. I know one day I will see her again and she will say, Hello, Mommy. I have missed you and I love you and I will feel so good. I wish that I could take your pain away, but I can't. I too, feel helpless at times like this, because I want to be able to do more. I want to fix things for you. Sorry this was so long. I just wanted you to know that I love you and I want you to stick around for a long time to come. I need you. I also, think you need us here. We all care.
Love and prayers, Judy(grandma047)

StacyGleaso · March 2005

Hi Sue...from one "nut" to another, here goes...

I know how you feel. Everyday I feel like I have somehow "cheated" and "made it through" while others still are fighting the battle, and feeling the sadness that comes with fights that didn't end how they were supposed to. I go to support groups and try to tell others to keep their chins up, and I end up feeling REALLY guilty that my cancer was able to be beaten (for now, anyway), and that SO many people who don't deserve any of this have to handle SO much. Why doesn't cancer happen to people who "deserve" it...people who have spent their whole lives doing bad things to other people. I'll tell you why...because even after having gone through this, "bad" people still wouldn't get the message behind it. They would not learn to cherish every day, minute, or second they have. They wouldn't see that life is precious and fragile. We do see that. We feel the pain of loss, the sting of needles, and the aching heart that comes with this struggle. You, Sue, are one tough cookie. You are a wonderful person. Yes, you lost your "co-pilot" physically, but spiritually, you have grown. You have been lucky enough to have a loving man to share your life with, even though it was cut short. Time will not allow you to forget or replace the spot Bob holds in your heart, spirit, and mind. And that, my friend, is the best there really is.

Be strong, but also remember, you are human! Baby steps grow into big giant ones...I promise!

Stacy

scouty · March 2005

Sue, Dear Sweet Sue,

I cried when I read your post, and am going to try to put into words what it made me feel and think about.

You and Bob obviously had a very special bond. You were soul mates. Of course you miss him around the "special days", especially the first time they come up. I found it touching that you remember so many special occasions with him. I can only imagine the hurt you must feel, but do find myself wishing I had someone in my life that made me feel like that. You are so lucky and I think it may hurt for some time, but get easier over time too.

You said you talked to your sister in law last night. I am guessing that is Erv's wife. She shared with you that Erv is suffering too. I think that if you can find a way to talk to him, it will help your both so much.

I pray for your tests results, but know deep inside of me that they will be fine. Judy is right, God has another plan for you honey.

Please try to stay as strong as you can (putting on a happy face just might not happen sometimes) and please talk to us anytime you need to.

Bob is with you every step of the way and will always be. Look for the wildflowers next week, they will still be there.

Very special hugs from North Carolina!!!!!

Lisa P.

gabor · March 2005

Sue, I check the posts often and yours is one that I am always looking for to hear how your doing. Your dear Bob passed away about 1 month after my dad. Some of the things you talked about in your posts were some of the exact things we were going through with my dad. My parents were married 64 years and now mom is feeling lost. Seeing her struggle to find her place in life without him is so hard. That is why I am so sad for you because I know how hard it is coping with your loss and you have so much more to deal with. But please don't give up. Holding in your feelings will not help. Seek out people to talk to. The hospice that took care of my dad sends someone to talk to my mom every 2 weeks and it has really helped her. Maybe the hospice that took care of Bob has a similar program for spouses. Somedays, I don't know how my mom gets out of bed. But she does, and she pushes every day to stay busy and get through the day. Now she is having more good days than bad. So Sue, you can do it too. Don't give up. Write to us about how you feel and don't feel like a burden. It's your turn for people to look after you for a change and it's time for you to take care of you. Let people know what you need. Sometimes people want to help and be there for you, but they don't know how. Your are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you well with all your tests.
Linda

jana11 · March 2005

Oh Sue, I am so sorry for your grief. Please come here whenever you need to. As a friend once told me, "I feel good knowing I can help you - allow me to feel good." You have every right in the world to be here.
The bond you share with Bob is amazing. You were lucky enough to find someone to love and share your life with. Cherish every memory, smile, cry, feel. It is good.
Make sure to get some supports, don't be strong for everyone. You need to be able to let it out. I agree, talk honestly with Erv. If you can't, try getting a therapist. Just make sure to get what you need. Lean on others and be selfish. You need it right now.
We care for you sooo much. I wish you didn't have to have the sadness. I would come by and see you if I could.

Have a good easter with your family, and benign procedures thereafter. Please keep us posted. You are always welcome here, you have a lifelong membership.
I will be thinking of you. jana

2bhealed · March 2005

(((((((((((SUE)))))))))))

oh honey,

you sound so deep in grief. It is a deep dark place. And when you're in it you swear you will never see the sun shine again. You have experienced the deepest loss there must be (besides losing a child)-- losing your soul mate. Of course you want to end it all and be with him. That hardly makes you a nut. Au Contraire ma chere! It makes you human with the capacity to feel gut wrenching grief. Because you experienced deep love.

I want you to hear this with love in my voice ok?

You don't get to choose what I'm sick of hearing, or putting thoughts in my head that are NOT there (saying you know we think you're nuts and tired of your "mess" etc). Maybe you are tired of it so you think we will be too. But believe me I UNDERSTAND your grief.

Please remember that I felt out of whack for THREE years after my sister died. I really felt like I was a walking coma all that time and then one day I realized that the hurt was getting easier and the horrific memories (the ones that I graphically shared with you) were not prevelant in my mind anymore. My life was continuing and I was healing.

It WILL happen to you too. I promise. But I advise that you give yourself time. Everyone else is hurting too and we all deal with it differently. I tend to like to go to a "cave" and lick my wounds alone. I journaled. I prayed. I cried. I got counseling. Is there something you can do to release the pain to someone--something that is tangible. You come here and THAT IS GOOD! But we are cyberpals at best. We can send cyber hugs (((((sue))))) but is there some friend who you feel the freedom to NOT put on that fake happy face? Anyone? If not, then maybe it's time to allow the rest of them to see your pain?

Just a thought. I cannot imagine it is conducive to your own health to have to lug that happy face mask around with you at family gatherings. It may give others the permission to grieve openly with you if you leave it at home.

Honey, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I hope I did not give you any lame platitudes here, but I really truly hope you WILL hang on until you can see to the other side of that "valley of the shadow of death" and put your face in the sunshine once again and FEEL it!! :-)

Ok I am going double duty on the prayers for you hon.

peace, emily who has walked through the darkness to the other side....

Unknown · March 2005

Sue, I feel so very sad for you and I know that words are not the comfort that you seek. So let me share a little story with you and perhaps it will help somewhat.

In 1991, my father passed away at the age of 59! My mother and he had been together since she was 16 and he was 18. He was the total love of her life...literally. The sun rose and set in him and I know it was the same for him as well. I remember my mom just standing there, all alone (I'm the only child out of three that survived to adulthood...yup, they have had it tough) but nothing rocked my moms foundation more than the passing of my father. She wanted to just quit...sell everything, move back home to Europe taking me and my family with her...all the usual thoughts that go through one's head that really don't make a lot of sense at the time because the pain from the loss is just so great.

I was very concerned for her and although was bearing my own heartache, I had my husband and my son...my mom felt lost and totally alone.

My father has now been gone 14 years and while my mother doesn't let a day go by without thinking about him, about six months after he had passed, life started up for her again and as more time passed, life became good again...in fact so good that she is fighting her lung cancer with everything that she has because she wants to go on and LIVE and enjoy the remaining years she has here. Had this all happened around the time that my father passed away, I would have given my mother no more than six months for her plan would have been to join him as soon as possible.

That is no longer the case and she even asks him to put in a good word for her with the Man upstairs that he grants her a few more years because she just doesn't want to go yet.

Sue, time is a true healer of all wounds. The wound becomes a scar and every time you look at it, you will never forget how it got there but it won't hurt as much any more.

Take heart, dear Sue. And yes, your Bob is with you...not in the physical sense that you so crave right now, but in spirit and the love that he had for you has not died...it's all around you. Once you find the peace of this love, it will sustain you...I've seen it first had with my mother. She talks to my dad daily and is convenienced that he listens. Who am I to dispute that. I talk to him too.

Lots and lots of hugs,
Monika

kangatoo · March 2005

unknown said:
Sue, I feel so very sad for you and I know that words are not the comfort that you seek. So let me share a little story with you and perhaps it will help somewhat.

In 1991, my father passed away at the age of 59! My mother and he had been together since she was 16 and he was 18. He was the total love of her life...literally. The sun rose and set in him and I know it was the same for him as well. I remember my mom just standing there, all alone (I'm the only child out of three that survived to adulthood...yup, they have had it tough) but nothing rocked my moms foundation more than the passing of my father. She wanted to just quit...sell everything, move back home to Europe taking me and my family with her...all the usual thoughts that go through one's head that really don't make a lot of sense at the time because the pain from the loss is just so great.

I was very concerned for her and although was bearing my own heartache, I had my husband and my son...my mom felt lost and totally alone.

My father has now been gone 14 years and while my mother doesn't let a day go by without thinking about him, about six months after he had passed, life started up for her again and as more time passed, life became good again...in fact so good that she is fighting her lung cancer with everything that she has because she wants to go on and LIVE and enjoy the remaining years she has here. Had this all happened around the time that my father passed away, I would have given my mother no more than six months for her plan would have been to join him as soon as possible.

That is no longer the case and she even asks him to put in a good word for her with the Man upstairs that he grants her a few more years because she just doesn't want to go yet.

Sue, time is a true healer of all wounds. The wound becomes a scar and every time you look at it, you will never forget how it got there but it won't hurt as much any more.

Take heart, dear Sue. And yes, your Bob is with you...not in the physical sense that you so crave right now, but in spirit and the love that he had for you has not died...it's all around you. Once you find the peace of this love, it will sustain you...I've seen it first had with my mother. She talks to my dad daily and is convenienced that he listens. Who am I to dispute that. I talk to him too.

Lots and lots of hugs,
Monika

Dear Sue.I would say there are very few of our friends here who have not lost someone close to them. The degree of pain and sense of loss will vary depending on relationship to the person left behind. I know that if I lost my life thru cancer it would devestate Jen and possibly she would feel it worse than she has recently when her sister died. I say that not thru being selfcentred or selfish but to try and empathise how you really feel. Jen's sister was a "sister"..she loved her but in a different way. I am Jen's 30 year soulmate...we live and love and breath together every single day of our lives.
I can not tell you how I would feel if I lost Jen.
I lost my dad when I was 13--that hit really hard!I lost my mum 6 years ago...that was hard too.
But if I lost Jen..or she lost me..well, I think that would be more than just hard. It would be absolutely horrible. Time does heal. I often, even now have sad times when I think of dad, even after 36 years. I do the same for my mum. Days will come Sue when you feel so bad you just don't want to be here and I really do think that losing your soulmate would be harder than even a family member,mother, father, brother , sister.
I am not saying that the pain Emily felt when her sister died was anything less than you are going thru..far from it. Bob was your love Sue, in every sense of the word and in every single piece of meaning in your life.You are feeling something different I think. No-one, except someone who has lost a loving spouse/partner truly knows how you feel. I certainly could not imagine it. You have the absolute right to feel the way you do. You also have the power in yourself to overcome your grief in time.
I agree with Linda. Seek out help Sue. Your current frame of mind is just aching for support,from wherever you can get it. 2 years ago I needed, really needed it! I was in a way ashamed to seek it thinking I would be fobbed off as over-emotional(maybe I thought I was nuts too). BUT...I took the advice I got here and saw a councillor and a church minister. The fear, sadness, depression still is with me but the support I received has made things a lot easier, as has the support from our friends here.
Sue...you cannot deal with your sadness and your fear of your health alone!!You need face to face support, something we all wish we could give you!
We do pray for you Sue, you know we do, you know our love is real, you know we care...we just can't be with you when you need us!
All our love, sincerely, Ross and Jen

jsabol · March 2005

Dear Sue, Many of us here are sending prayers your way, and waiting with you for the time when this will all seem a littler easier to bear. As many have said, that time does come, but know that we are all at your side until you feel better. Keep us posted. Judy

juliababy · March 2005

Sue, I cried when I read your post and then cried some more at some of the inspirational, emotional replies.

I am not very eloquent when it comes to words but I just want to let you know that you are always in my prayers. Please keep the faith, I know God and Bob are both watching over you with loving eyes and embracing arms.

Take care,

SUsana

grandma713 · March 2005

Sue, how precious you are. I want to join the others in saying that you need someone with "skin" on to give you a hug. Did you and Bob belong to a church? My church surrounded me with love everytime I have went through my crises.. I cant tell you that I totally understand how you feel, because I dont. I lost both parents within a year of each other and they were my best friends. I have watched my sweet aunt deal with the loss of my uncle who was her soul mate for 70 years. She is just now able to say his name without crying and it has been a year. But she says that each day it gets a small bit better. I went through a divorce and that felt like a death except it was one that seemed to go on and on rather than just one huge hurt that lingered. And finally my best friend lost her husband to cancer two years ago in May. They went everywhere together and she feels like you, that she is only half of herself. Then finally the last of my family died, my baby brother, and I dont think I have ever felt more alone. I say all this to tell you what I have discovered from all of the above and that is that only God can heal us from the pain and it takes time and we have to turn it over to Him. He has promised us that He will never leave you or forsake you and He doesnt. You are not a NUT to feel the way you do, you wouldnt be normal if you didnt. However, remember as others have said, just keep taking baby steps and soon they will turn into Giant ones. Take each day, one minute, one breath at a time and soon you will be surprised to see them turn into hours, then days, then weeks. Grief takes times and goes through stages. You have us here of course, but please seek out friends and a church family.

One more thing and I am going to stop. Dont get too upset with your brother in law or your step children. They are hurting and it may take them time and dont take it as a personal thing against you. All families have their issues, just different ones.
We love you
Franny

nanuk · March 2005

Sue-my heart goes out to you..we all grieve for things and persons lost. It's a process, and anger is just one appropriate stage. It takes time to move on, and no one is exactly the same. I believe we keep our loved ones present by keeping them alive in our thoughts..because you are alive everything is possible! Bud

steved · March 2005

So many wise words written above I have little more to add. It is early days yet in the process you are going through adapting to your loss. It would abnormal if you didn't feel this way. You are still actively grieveing and that is good. Allow yourself this time to do that and accept there is little yo or anyone else can do to alter it. Ultimatley time is the only real factor taht will allow you feel ready to move on. you will never forget Bob and never completely feel free from the loss of him but the pain and hurt that you associate with that loss will ease.
We are still here for you as long as you need us and you are welcome to come and talk and off load any emotions you need to unburden yourself of. Your grief is very real to so many of us as we all have to face the reality that losing people around us to cancer may happen. We are there for you anytime we can be of use.
Thinking of you,
steve

Kanort · March 2005

Hi Sue,

I am thinking about you this week as you go through your tests. I'm so sorry that you are so sad. Perhaps you might mention this to one of your doctors and he/she could give you something to get through this difficult time.

I think that after the lose of a spouse, the relationship with his/her side of the family changes. I know that I saw my sister and brother-in-laws much more when Ron was living than I do now. They readily include me in family events, but it just isn't the same. Give yourself time. Just know that you will feel better in time.

Kay

JKendall · March 2005

Hi Sue....I can't add any more to the encouragement offered by everyone else. Aren't they great people??? And so are you.

I take care of my wife (as best I can...sometimes I think I just aggravate her) and it scares me to death to think about what could happen, and how I'd deal with it.

Sue, you've been such an inspiration to me and I'm sure to other caregivers as well. I hope you start to feel better soon, but be patient, and try to stay strong. Keep in touch with us, and like the others have said, let us hold you up.

Take care. Jimmy

Want to quit but holding on.

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