Where to begin dating after BC.
Comments
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No, you are not silly. I think that we all want someone to share our life with, the good and the bad parts. I don't know what I would do in your situation. I have been married for 33 years, in my 34th, and my spouse was wonderful, but, I still cannot be intimate with him. The thought of it terrifies me. I am afraid that I will never be able to be intimate again. That makes me very sad. So, it is not stupid, not at all, to question how you go about any personal relationship after bc. Our lives have changed forever, and for me, I just cannot seem to get my head above water.
Jan0 -
Well, I have often wondered what life would be like if I were looking for my mate now... My husband and I have only been together for 4 yrs now- we were only married 6 months when we found the cancer. (I found him on the internet!)
I truly believe that you can find the right person and I know it's scary, worrying about opening up and then being rejected...
If you are forthright and simply let potential dates know that you are dealing with breast cancer, that will automatically rule out the unworthy. *smiles*
If you end up waiting until you have started healing from surgery/treatments, etc., you will hopefully find that you can learn to accept your new, revised body, become more comfortable and then allow yourself to find that perfect someone.
The main thing, in my mind, whether or not you've had life/body altering situations- do not settle. You are beautiful, priceless and unique and deserve someone who appreciates that.
May time heal your inner and outer wounds quickly!
Meanwhile, please stay in touch with us, we are all here for each other!!!
Be well!
~marty0 -
seeknpeace, You have just memtioned something many women do not talk about and that is becoming intimate again after cancer. I think it should be discussed how others have handled this. I had been married forty years and for a short time after surgery and of course with Tamoxifen I had very little interest in anything but poor me. I finally woke up to the fact I was still the same woman I had always been just one more battle wound. Plus my husband had needs and I was being very selfish in not thinking of him. If you want to leave a nice top on for awhile do so don't need to expalin why. If your breasts were part of your love making well when we were pgs things had to be different and we still made love so be it. Get some outside help if necessary. Remember there are two of you it is a couple. It is kind of nice to forget about yourself and enjoy the relationship again. Linda0
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I was 56 when I developed breast cancer, and a widow. I started dating a couple months later and made a point of telling whoever I went out with about the cancer on the first date. I met my sweetheart from a newspaper ad, told him about the cancer right away and his reply was "honey that don't mean nothin' to me, I'm a leg man"! The leg man and I got married a year and a half later, which has been 10 years ago now, and having a blast!!!
It's really hard the first time you tell a date about the bc, but after you've done it once or twice it gets easier and as I discovered, there are men out there who don't care about that at all.
Take a deep breath, have a cup of tea, and hang in there - it DOES GET BETTER!
Clara0 -
I know I'm not in your shoes (I'm 42 and married for 10 years), but I think you shouldn't underestimate what you bring to the table as a bc survivor. It is hell...but it also forces us to think about what is important (and unimportant) in life and helps us find strengths that we never knew we had. It's not something to be ashamed of...in fact, you should be proud that you're here to tell your story. Any man (or woman) who doesn't understand and respect that about you isn't worth dating or befriending. If someone "rejects" you because of your ordeal, s/he is not an individual worth spending your precious time on (in my humble oppinion).0
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Hi there Sullivan
This situation also hits men. And NO you are not being silly. In this day and age where the so called *perfect* woman is constantly portayed in tv, movies, magazines, etc.... it is very normal for women to feel self concious. Remember, you have been through a lot! You have suffered, sacraficed, and and are trying to move forward. Many men find that strength attractive. It is easy for others on the outside to say this, but nevertheless, try to see all the positive things you have to offer. And really listen to others such as family and friends when they tell you all the things they love about you. I was diagnosed at 21 years with leukemia. I am now 30, and I still have that fear of telling the woman that I had leukemia and I still have long term side effects. Good luck! God bless.
-Michael (Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia)
PS: Now go and put on something sexy and take on the world!0 -
Hi Sullivan:
I'm married many years now to the love of my life, so I won't pretend that I've got any kind of handle on the situation. I would like to share what I think some of my concerns may be in a similar situation in the hopes that it may be encouraging and helpful to you in some way.
I'm 8 years older but I don't think the loops really change regarding meeting new people, so here goes:
If you're recently out of treatment, it may be that it's too soon to try to give that kind of energy to a new relationship. I say this because often there are fear issues, depression, feeling adrift without constant medical care for the first time since the dx, etc.. That's a lot to deal with and it's not easy to find healing and peace. It takes time and sustained effort. Some days it's the ole one step forward and two steps back. Then there are days of leaps and bounds forward too. These issues are very deep and emotional and as much as the love and support of our family and friends can be helpful, it's something we really have to work through ourselves and there are as many different ways of getting there as there are survivors! Bottom line is that it can be draining and exhausting.
Trying to explain all this to a new person in our lives could be difficult.
On the flip side, a new person in our lives could be a welcomed distraction, providing a respite from the effort to heal and find balance. A matter of personal choice really, based upons an individual's needs at the time.
The other issue is that I'd worry if I told all, so to speak, on the first date, then the person disappeared, I wouldn't know if it was because of my cancer or because we just didn't hit it off.
I think I'd be more comfortable not discussing it at all until I knew the person better and felt some mutual trust and respect had grown between us. Then if the guy bolts when he learns of our situation, at least it's easy to determine why, more precisely.
Concerning intimacy: If the relationship is at a point where intimacy is inevitable and you've not yet shared anything of your experience, then I think it's ok to keep it light and simply forewarn the guy that you've got a few battle scars, whether from lumpectomy or mastectomy isn't really important. If he has a problem with that, then it's just that...HIS problem, so you can probably cross him off your list and forget it.
Keep in mind that you are not compromised as a woman. Temporarily not at your best emotionally, maybe, but nontheless, dynamite! You have grown as woman, as a human being. So, if I were you, I'd just date as much as you want and consider yourself a sieve...filtering out the unwanted company...picking and choosing what YOU want and need. Worry less about the guys point of view, initially, and see how they are, with no knowledge of what you've been through/going through. That way, at least, you'll also avoid the "fix it" type. Those with sympathy to offer and a million ways they can fix you right up, etc.. Sympathy, we don't need, right? And I think that's something to consider happening if you share your experience on the first date.
I've a feeling that you'll do just fine and I understand your need for a relationship. Just decide what's best for you and go for it!
Love, light and laughter,
Ink0 -
Ink wrote: ..."see how they are, with no knowledge of what you've been through/going through. That way, at least, you'll also avoid the "fix it" type. Those with sympathy to offer and a million ways they can fix you right up, etc.. "inkblot said:Hi Sullivan:
I'm married many years now to the love of my life, so I won't pretend that I've got any kind of handle on the situation. I would like to share what I think some of my concerns may be in a similar situation in the hopes that it may be encouraging and helpful to you in some way.
I'm 8 years older but I don't think the loops really change regarding meeting new people, so here goes:
If you're recently out of treatment, it may be that it's too soon to try to give that kind of energy to a new relationship. I say this because often there are fear issues, depression, feeling adrift without constant medical care for the first time since the dx, etc.. That's a lot to deal with and it's not easy to find healing and peace. It takes time and sustained effort. Some days it's the ole one step forward and two steps back. Then there are days of leaps and bounds forward too. These issues are very deep and emotional and as much as the love and support of our family and friends can be helpful, it's something we really have to work through ourselves and there are as many different ways of getting there as there are survivors! Bottom line is that it can be draining and exhausting.
Trying to explain all this to a new person in our lives could be difficult.
On the flip side, a new person in our lives could be a welcomed distraction, providing a respite from the effort to heal and find balance. A matter of personal choice really, based upons an individual's needs at the time.
The other issue is that I'd worry if I told all, so to speak, on the first date, then the person disappeared, I wouldn't know if it was because of my cancer or because we just didn't hit it off.
I think I'd be more comfortable not discussing it at all until I knew the person better and felt some mutual trust and respect had grown between us. Then if the guy bolts when he learns of our situation, at least it's easy to determine why, more precisely.
Concerning intimacy: If the relationship is at a point where intimacy is inevitable and you've not yet shared anything of your experience, then I think it's ok to keep it light and simply forewarn the guy that you've got a few battle scars, whether from lumpectomy or mastectomy isn't really important. If he has a problem with that, then it's just that...HIS problem, so you can probably cross him off your list and forget it.
Keep in mind that you are not compromised as a woman. Temporarily not at your best emotionally, maybe, but nontheless, dynamite! You have grown as woman, as a human being. So, if I were you, I'd just date as much as you want and consider yourself a sieve...filtering out the unwanted company...picking and choosing what YOU want and need. Worry less about the guys point of view, initially, and see how they are, with no knowledge of what you've been through/going through. That way, at least, you'll also avoid the "fix it" type. Those with sympathy to offer and a million ways they can fix you right up, etc.. Sympathy, we don't need, right? And I think that's something to consider happening if you share your experience on the first date.
I've a feeling that you'll do just fine and I understand your need for a relationship. Just decide what's best for you and go for it!
Love, light and laughter,
Ink
You know, Ink, I was thinking this same thing after I wrote earlier. There are folks out there who just want to *fix* others. Of course, I didn't get to this thought by the time I sent it. *grin* A very valid point, again, by a very sage person. *bows*
Again, Sullivan, all my best!
~marty0 -
Hang in there. Day by day you will make it through and hopefully find a wonderful person to share your loveliness with. I am hoping for the same after my husband of 26 years left. Try to stay connected as much as possible here or find a singles group that does things together. At least that will get you out of the house and help get your mind off of all of this. Take care (really),0
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I never dreamed that so many would answer my question about dateing! Wow Through tears i write thank you so much!!!! I cant believe the healing power that i have recieved from you all. I didnt realize that im still a person i just feel like breast cancer!! I now know that isnt true...but i forget (Chemo Brain). Sometimes i just need to be reminded that the cancer is just that cancer, but im a person with cancer. Its so hard. I did get on new meds. for depression (Cymbalta) and that has helped with the leg twiches and feet burning. Im so greatful for you folks! Warmly Pattie0
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A special thank you, Michael and i'll have to give some thought about the new clothes lol. pattiemc2001 said:Hi there Sullivan
This situation also hits men. And NO you are not being silly. In this day and age where the so called *perfect* woman is constantly portayed in tv, movies, magazines, etc.... it is very normal for women to feel self concious. Remember, you have been through a lot! You have suffered, sacraficed, and and are trying to move forward. Many men find that strength attractive. It is easy for others on the outside to say this, but nevertheless, try to see all the positive things you have to offer. And really listen to others such as family and friends when they tell you all the things they love about you. I was diagnosed at 21 years with leukemia. I am now 30, and I still have that fear of telling the woman that I had leukemia and I still have long term side effects. Good luck! God bless.
-Michael (Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia)
PS: Now go and put on something sexy and take on the world!0 -
Hi Jan, i dont know much about dating but i do about intimate relationships. In to me see! Now wasent that easy? When a person has something they dont want to share with another, its because its to hard to uncover cause it hurts and is a reminder of some horrific experience. Very understandable in our situations, maybe i see me in this too with the dating issue im afraid to uncover the real insecurities in me like needing someone ive never needed anyone to help before. All i know is that without intimacy life is pretty boring! Go out and get your nails done or something special and have a good time! tomorrows ground is to unsertin to wait for someone to bring flowers, plant your own dont wait! ty pattieseeknpeace said:No, you are not silly. I think that we all want someone to share our life with, the good and the bad parts. I don't know what I would do in your situation. I have been married for 33 years, in my 34th, and my spouse was wonderful, but, I still cannot be intimate with him. The thought of it terrifies me. I am afraid that I will never be able to be intimate again. That makes me very sad. So, it is not stupid, not at all, to question how you go about any personal relationship after bc. Our lives have changed forever, and for me, I just cannot seem to get my head above water.
Jan0 -
Thank you Marty, you are so right, filter out the unworthly! I like that.... ty so much, pattiemartyzl said:Well, I have often wondered what life would be like if I were looking for my mate now... My husband and I have only been together for 4 yrs now- we were only married 6 months when we found the cancer. (I found him on the internet!)
I truly believe that you can find the right person and I know it's scary, worrying about opening up and then being rejected...
If you are forthright and simply let potential dates know that you are dealing with breast cancer, that will automatically rule out the unworthy. *smiles*
If you end up waiting until you have started healing from surgery/treatments, etc., you will hopefully find that you can learn to accept your new, revised body, become more comfortable and then allow yourself to find that perfect someone.
The main thing, in my mind, whether or not you've had life/body altering situations- do not settle. You are beautiful, priceless and unique and deserve someone who appreciates that.
May time heal your inner and outer wounds quickly!
Meanwhile, please stay in touch with us, we are all here for each other!!!
Be well!
~marty0 -
Hi Clara, i love tea! Love the statement your husband made about being a leg man, so funny! Thank you the advice....pattieunknown said:I was 56 when I developed breast cancer, and a widow. I started dating a couple months later and made a point of telling whoever I went out with about the cancer on the first date. I met my sweetheart from a newspaper ad, told him about the cancer right away and his reply was "honey that don't mean nothin' to me, I'm a leg man"! The leg man and I got married a year and a half later, which has been 10 years ago now, and having a blast!!!
It's really hard the first time you tell a date about the bc, but after you've done it once or twice it gets easier and as I discovered, there are men out there who don't care about that at all.
Take a deep breath, have a cup of tea, and hang in there - it DOES GET BETTER!
Clara0 -
Thanks Docholly, you really said it!!! I love that humble opinion of yours, need more please. pattiedocholly said:I know I'm not in your shoes (I'm 42 and married for 10 years), but I think you shouldn't underestimate what you bring to the table as a bc survivor. It is hell...but it also forces us to think about what is important (and unimportant) in life and helps us find strengths that we never knew we had. It's not something to be ashamed of...in fact, you should be proud that you're here to tell your story. Any man (or woman) who doesn't understand and respect that about you isn't worth dating or befriending. If someone "rejects" you because of your ordeal, s/he is not an individual worth spending your precious time on (in my humble oppinion).
0 -
Thank you for the kind advice, i will try. good luck to you too! sinserly pattierutaf said:Hang in there. Day by day you will make it through and hopefully find a wonderful person to share your loveliness with. I am hoping for the same after my husband of 26 years left. Try to stay connected as much as possible here or find a singles group that does things together. At least that will get you out of the house and help get your mind off of all of this. Take care (really),
0
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