Hubby's hanging in there!

Hi Sue, you are having a difficult time and it is so distressing when the person you love most seems somewhat unmotivated. I remember looking at my husband during his third hospital admission in as many weeks at the end of last year and feeling that he was in fact giving up. Luckily he came out of it but one feels so helpless.

I think you are right to go on giving Bob anything he feels like eating...every little counts.

As to feeling that you are being pushy...it is so hard to know how far to go. I have to keep stepping back now that my husband is so much better. But I still feel so protective. I guess it is our mother instinct. We have a hard job as when they are really down, we have to take charge and do all the planning. And then we have to step back as they get better...it is tough on all of us.

I think you are doing a terrific job and that you should go on just as you are. Follow your instincts. I am sure Bob really appreciates your dealing with all the details as he probably does not have the energy to put his mind to all of the things that need to be done. Hang in there....life may never be quite the same again but it does get better!!

I remain convinced that many aspects of this process are harder on carers than on the person with cancer. You are doing a fabulous job overall- rely on your own instincts as to what is right to do as you know Bob best but accept that at times you might get it wrong (you aren't a mind reader) but you did your best.

Accept also that there are times where nothing you can do is right or will make things any better. Feeling so helpless is incredibly hard but is part of this process. I found times when I needed to simply go into myself and be selfish about doing nothing for others and just withdrawing from it all for a period to recuperate. This was really hard on my wife who struggled to understand why I wasn't seeming to fight it but we all need a break from the fight at times. Men I think are particularly in need of this as they don't tend to express their emotions as outwardly as women. Anger is also common and you may well be on the receiving end at times even if you aren't really what Bob is angry at. He can't shout at his cancer but he can at you. It is a hard thing to take but again just accepting it and rolling with it may be the best thing for Bob.

I also remain concerned taht there may depression going on if there is no physical explanation. The lack of motivation, energy, and teh anger are all classic signs. Others to look out for a loss of interest in things he used to enjoy, poor concentration (eg reading or on TV), poor sleep even though he is tired and ealry morning waking eg 2 or more hours earlier than normal. Depression is so common in cancer sufferers but often overlooked as it is put down to a normal reaction to the bad news and the physical problems. However it often respnds well to antidepressants- it is a physical illness related to brain chemical imbalance the saem way that cnacer is a physiacl illness and it is no sign of weakness or feebleness.

Anyway i'm rambling. REally just wanted to say i think you are doing al the right things and stop beating yourself up about trying to do any more. Take time to enjoy your own life if you can too- you are most use to Bob if look after yourself too.

Let us know how it all goes and best of luck. Thinking of you,
Steve.

Hi Sue. You and Bob are in my prayers.

I went thru depression a couple of years prior to my cancer diagnosis. It kind of creeps up on you. I agree with all the posters here and have some small suggestions.

I would definately seek some advice/help in the depression field.

I found that getting dressed and going outside each and every day, help a lot. It sounds so simple, but when you are depressed, you don't even want to shower or face the world.

Comedy is so fantastic. Find out what he liked to watch when he was younger. I love to watch the reruns of MASH or Carrol Burnett. Something to lighten the spirit.

I know this won't make everything great, but it does help with the daily garbage we all deal with.

I also, agree with SpongeBob. Take a day for yourself. You really need to take care of yourself. I learned that the hard way. My middle girl (13yr.) is severely mentally and physically disabled. I burned the candle at both ends for too long, when my body and mind just said, "That's enough!" Take the time to relax.

All my love, Barb

Btrcup said:

Hi Sue, I'm so sorry to hear about Bob's depression. You have been through so much from what I've read on these boards. You are a strong person (of course, you're from Jersey!!).

I am originally from NJ. I grew up in Lyndhurst and moved to Belleville in jr high school. Lived there until my hubby's job transferred in 1995. I am now in Baltimore. And needed the wooly's here too!

Well you two take care. And you take care of yourself also. Take Spongebob's advice and go to a spa!

Linda (Baltimore)

All of the above Sue. Depression?--mm--thats a word that I think resembles me at times. Ok, I know my situation is in pretty good check. I have been on the edge of posting here about myself but feel that is a bit selfish considering my problems are minor. Now, saying that I mean minor compared to lots here who have a real reason to vent. You see, the depression thing for me, if it relates at all to the way Bob is feeling sounds like this;
Jen and I NEVER argued and yet now I find myself often being argumentative over the simplest of things!! I really get pissed off when I do it, then go away thinking to myself--"why'd I do that"--got her really upset over the most stupid things.
It is hard to explain Sue--maybe I am angry that this crap can manifest itself again. Maybe I am frustrated because I can't do things that were normal to me, maybe I am, pissed off because my memory fails--hell--I just don't know. Sleep is my worst enemy--maybe lack of it really bugs me.
Nuph rambling about me Sue--but these things are getting me down--"just" maybe Bob is having the same troubles AND he can't express the way he feels either.
Sue--you don't need to try to make excuses for the way you feel nor apologise for the way you react or try to help the love of your life--carers take the brunt of this demon and there is absolutely no way in which you can ever come completely to terms with it. No matter what you do there will always be two alternative reactions from Bob--good or bad. I am trying now to keep my negativity away from Jen--and I try so hard. Don't go beating yourself over the head Sue, you can only do what you think is right--bugger the outcome--'cos not always will it end up being the right thing. I guess as sufferers of this demon we all get depressed and some of us, like me--need to be thankfull we are not worse off--I gotta try to remember that!
all our love and huggs as always Sue--give a hugg to Bob from Jen--thinkin of ya guys.