Books

sassysally said:

weewish, I am a three time breast cancer survivor, and it is like a new chapter in your life. A part of you has been stripped away. Once you are done with treatment, you are done with treatment, but the rements of cancer still remain. You have had cancer. You have done the unthinkable... poisoned your system with chemotherapy. Unless you have felt the ravages of chemo, you cant go there. There are no books to define what you have been thru. If your sister loves chocolate, ask her not to eat it for a year. Or coffee,, or not to drive for a year and stay at home away from society. Losing your hair, your weight and you dignity for the sake of your like is hard. Unless you have been put in that position .... you will never understand. You may " get over it " but it will never be done, it will always be in the bowels of your mind in ever ache and pain. They may not have to remember it, but you forever will. It will have ripple effects in all that you do, and all that you are. Embrace the fact that you are a survivor, and hope that they never have to try those shoes on. Your mocca sions are well worn. Tell your sister to count her blessings, embrace your wisdom, and hope she never has to experience the journey. Love ya hang tough. You are a survivor. A well earned and worn title. You all are my heros. Even though I have been there a few times. Every survivor is a miracle. HUGS.

Sally,
You have summed up what this cancer does so perfectly I just had to say thank you. You really expressed exactly how I feel every day.

Weewish- Sally is so right. No book can ever convey what our spirits have endured much less our bodies. Print out Sally's post and give it to your sister. Tell her that THIS is why she doesn't understand- she hasn't been there.
Bless you- hang in there- we are all trying!
Love,
Angela

Hi weewish:

I don't think it's a wise investment of our time or energy, trying to justify or explain things to people.

Why do you feel compelled to be sure that your sister understands where you are? If she's being critical, she'll have to get over that kind of response. If you're being critical of her lack of understanding, you'll need to get over that too. Let your sister know that you love her but that you're growing and changing and that while you could never explain yourself to her, you would appreciate her support through acceptance.
Not much else you can do unless you want to go on a mission which may last a lifetime and still, she'd never understand.

When we can accept ourselves and embrace the changes in our lives following cancer, we can then get on to healing and finding a perspective which is healthy and freeing. Getting caught up in trying to explain ourselves to other's for the rest of our lives is not productive and it may reflect that we "need" the approval of other's to move on, which is not something we need really. We are responsible for doing the work toward our recoveries and repeatedly trying to explain ourselves to those who can never understand will just **** our progress. Be happy that your sister doesn't understand. She doesn't have to in order to love and support you. Your love and support to her, I'd venture to guess, isn't based upon your having to understand every nuance of her persoanl thoughts, choices and actions either. That's as it should be and perfectly ok.
Close friends and loved one's may need us to be who we were before our cancer but in most cases, that isn't happening. We grow, change and become even better than before. Most of us work very hard to realize progress and gain peace in our lives and we hit peaks and valleys in the process. It's easier to climb upward when we don't have someone trudging behind us, pulling us back, questioning our need to climb, wanting a thorough explanation of why we're doing it in the first place, etc. Sometimes we survivors just need to "be". Good friends and family can help most by just being supportive and letting us find our way. They don't have to understand it inside and out. If they do, then there's likely other issues going on, which need addressing.

Hope that my help some. Accept who you are and where you're going and get comfortable with YOU and the choices and decisions you want to make to help you be the best you can be, to live a full and joyful life. Those who love us will still be there. If they're not, then that's their choice, (or sometimes maybe ours) such as it may be.

It seems so arduous a task to even think of trying to explain ourselves, our thoughts, feelings and ups and downs to the uninitiated. Not what we need on our road to recovery.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

Weewish-
There are no books that will really convey what you've been through, what you're feeling and how you're coping. If your sister is impatient with you, ask her to give you "time". Time to heal. You may never be "normal" again, I doubt many of us ever return to how we were. Cancer and treatments are a life altering experience. I think most of us embrace the experience and take the lessons we've learned to our next stages of life, whatever they may be.

Most of us have had people around us that want us to "get over it". They are looking for normalcy in their lives, so are we, but it doesn't usually reappear overnight. We, people that have been through cancer treatments, need time to heal -- both physically and mentally -- you've been through a lot and it takes time.

Take care.
Patty.