anyone have any good jokes?

tkd3g
tkd3g Member Posts: 767
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
I feel like garbage today. This chemo stinks.

Anyone up for the challenge of making me laugh?

Keep it somewhat clean. :) Ah, never mind.

Barb

Comments

  • tkd3g
    tkd3g Member Posts: 767
    #2
    OK no takers. Here's some funnies I stole from www.planetcancer.com

    Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
    Annual breast exams are conducted at Hooters.
    Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
    Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
    The colon specialist is only available on his days off from Roto-Rooter.
    Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
    The used needle receptacles have recycling symbols on them.
    Patient responsible for "200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
    Your Prozac comes in different colors with little "m's" on them.
    The radiation techs are wearing old Stormtrooper costumes.
    The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
  • nanuk
    nanuk Member Posts: 1,358 Member
    #3
    Snappy Answer #3
    The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

    "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

    The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
    When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
  • livin
    livin Member Posts: 318 Member
    #4
    Sorry I don't have any but the ones that were given sure cheered me up.
  • spongebob
    spongebob Member Posts: 2,565 Member
    #5
    What do chemo patients do for fun after their treatment?

    I walked out of the clinic and noticed a cop writing a ticket...

    "Officer, I was in the clinic there, can't you just cut me a break?"

    "No sir; you're meter has expired."

    "Well that's a bunch of bull$%& - you must think you're a real big man, eh?"

    "Sorry, it's the law. I also noticed your winshield has a crack in it."

    "You are abusing your power, you ego maniac. Someone must have stolen the twinkie out of your lunchbox when you were a kid."

    "And I also see that your tail light is cracked. That will be another ticket." "Would you like to continue to stand here and call me names?"

    "Fine, you arrogant bas#$%rd. Write me all the tickets you want. We'll just see about this."

    "And it appears your left front tire is low - that's a fourth ticket." he said as he placed all four tickets under the wiper and walked away.

    I walked around the corner and got in my car. As I drove past, I took one long last look at the car with the four tickets on the windshield... and the "ELECT JOHN KERRY" bumpersticker on the bumper..."
  • spongebob
    spongebob Member Posts: 2,565 Member
    #6
    spongebob said:

    What do chemo patients do for fun after their treatment?

    I walked out of the clinic and noticed a cop writing a ticket...

    "Officer, I was in the clinic there, can't you just cut me a break?"

    "No sir; you're meter has expired."

    "Well that's a bunch of bull$%& - you must think you're a real big man, eh?"

    "Sorry, it's the law. I also noticed your winshield has a crack in it."

    "You are abusing your power, you ego maniac. Someone must have stolen the twinkie out of your lunchbox when you were a kid."

    "And I also see that your tail light is cracked. That will be another ticket." "Would you like to continue to stand here and call me names?"

    "Fine, you arrogant bas#$%rd. Write me all the tickets you want. We'll just see about this."

    "And it appears your left front tire is low - that's a fourth ticket." he said as he placed all four tickets under the wiper and walked away.

    I walked around the corner and got in my car. As I drove past, I took one long last look at the car with the four tickets on the windshield... and the "ELECT JOHN KERRY" bumpersticker on the bumper..."

    Bud & Emily -

    I suppose you could replace JOHN KERRY with George Bush - I just didn't think that version was NEARLY as funny! Actually I think I'll write in a vote for Colin Powell - there's something in a name...
  • kangatoo
    kangatoo Member Posts: 2,105 Member
    #7
    spongebob said:

    Bud & Emily -

    I suppose you could replace JOHN KERRY with George Bush - I just didn't think that version was NEARLY as funny! Actually I think I'll write in a vote for Colin Powell - there's something in a name...

    Just returned from awol for coupla days--enjoy the following then ah must go n check out the other topics b4 bed.
    Kanga smokes--lol(ok--shoot me Emily)
    Last trip to my onc. he asked me if I was still smokin---
    I came well prepared for that. Just before entering his room I rolled a smoke. Then when he asked me again I promptly turned around while holding the smoke to my arse(scusey french pls--lol) and commented-"I never smoked thru my arse!!!"
    He totally cracked up--I thought he was gunna fall orf his chair--he was almost in tears--lol
    Made my day and his too metinks--lol
  • Kanort
    Kanort Member Posts: 1,272 Member
    #8
    Hi Barb,

    No jokes, but hope this day finds you feeling better.

    Thinking of you and wishing you well.

    Kay
  • tkd3g
    tkd3g Member Posts: 767
    #9
    Kanort said:

    Hi Barb,

    No jokes, but hope this day finds you feeling better.

    Thinking of you and wishing you well.

    Kay

    Thanks all. A smile is worth a million. You guys and gals are great.

    Yes, I'm having a better day today. Went to the doc for a white count. They are still low, but stable. So...no shot. And...they pushed off my treatment for another week. ( the holiday messed up my schedule and they figured they'd give me another week.) No arguement here. I get to feel semi-normal for an extra 7 days.

    Going to a Ducks game tomorrow night. ( Minor League Baseball). I need to get this cancer off my mind. It seems that is all I think about lately. ( I think that's why I was having such a lousy weekend.)

    Again, thanks to all. Live, Laugh and Love.

    Barb
  • livin
    livin Member Posts: 318 Member
    #10
    tkd3g said:

    Thanks all. A smile is worth a million. You guys and gals are great.

    Yes, I'm having a better day today. Went to the doc for a white count. They are still low, but stable. So...no shot. And...they pushed off my treatment for another week. ( the holiday messed up my schedule and they figured they'd give me another week.) No arguement here. I get to feel semi-normal for an extra 7 days.

    Going to a Ducks game tomorrow night. ( Minor League Baseball). I need to get this cancer off my mind. It seems that is all I think about lately. ( I think that's why I was having such a lousy weekend.)

    Again, thanks to all. Live, Laugh and Love.

    Barb

    Hi everyone, Just had to tell my little funny story. This morning I took my daily morning shower. Took the bottle sqeezed the jell on to my toothbrush began to brush my teeth. Only problem the jell wasn't the tooth paste it was my Tone Bath Body Wash. Boy did I laugh didn't taste bad either. I know my mind is pretty much shot waiting for my Liver Resection Surgery. At least I had a good laugh for the day. Montiel
  • fedester
    fedester Member Posts: 753 Member
    #11
    why was eyore looking in the toilet?????????

    he was trying to find pooh
  • 2bhealed
    2bhealed Member Posts: 2,064 Member
    #12
    kangatoo said:

    Just returned from awol for coupla days--enjoy the following then ah must go n check out the other topics b4 bed.
    Kanga smokes--lol(ok--shoot me Emily)
    Last trip to my onc. he asked me if I was still smokin---
    I came well prepared for that. Just before entering his room I rolled a smoke. Then when he asked me again I promptly turned around while holding the smoke to my arse(scusey french pls--lol) and commented-"I never smoked thru my arse!!!"
    He totally cracked up--I thought he was gunna fall orf his chair--he was almost in tears--lol
    Made my day and his too metinks--lol

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    only YOU kanga!!

    HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHa

    peace, emily who is gunning for ya!

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