Double mast ahead and too scared to read anything...

You made a telling point with striking at your core identity. I was about the same size and I underwent a bilateral mastectomy in Dec. I rationalized that I had fun with my breasts when I was younger and that I had other things to offer than my breasts. I looked at living through cancer vs. how I would look like and I chose to do the maximum I could for survival. I was stage 3 at time of dx. We are all different. You may end up going through this better than you think. Sometimes we focus on one fear so we don't have to look at others. The bottom line, is your breasts are not you...and although I won't say it's not difficult.... I'm limited because of treatment to not much size and I've just accepted that oh, well....I'll be able to wear different clothes than I have before. The most important thing is to focus on your quality and quantity of life. Your self image will change as you go through everything. Yes, it's confusing, and scary, and there's so many questions, but you make the decision for your health, not your appearance. Like you, my large breasts were part of my identity, but somehow I found the peace in letting that part go because it wasn't all of me. Best of luck.

I wasn't nearly your bra size and only had my left breast removed, so my story is not the same as yours. But I told my breast good bye the night before the mastectomy and prayed for God to see me through this whole ordeal. It put me at peace and now I am 2 yrs post chemo. I had reconstruction 1 year after mastectomy and was never very bothered by the way I looked after surgery. Take care and God bless you.
janet

I had my double mastectomy on Feb 26, 2004. And I tried to focus on all the good things about having a mastectomy (with no reconstruction). Oh, like, not having to wear a bra and get those red marks on my shoulder. Throwing on a tshirt if I was just running around the house. How better my shirts would fit. I told myself that my breasts did not define me as a woman. And that I was glad to be alive and that was more important. But truthfully, there are times I miss my breasts. But the only reason I'm here to miss them is because I had the mastectomy and I'm alive. You'll get through this somehow. And you'll be alive.

Joellyn-like all the other women who have posted responses to your note, I, too, can certainly understand your anxiety associated with losing size in your bustline due to this type of diagnosis - for some women,it does strike at our core indentity. I was a 36D before dx, skin sparing right breast mastectomy and reconstruction - now, I am a 36B - but I tell you what, my plastic surgeon did a beautiful job - my breasts match in symmetry - even though the right breast has an implant and the left was just reduced - now I am downright perky, plus this size is very utilitarian - I can jog now - clothes fit so much better - activities involving my upper body are easier - even my posture is better - sure, I don't have the hourglass figure I once had, but now I'm sleek and my boyfriend thinks I'm even sexier. And, remember, you can always dress to look larger if you want. This process doesn't have to be a complete nightmare. Best of luck to you as you go through all the upcoming processes. All of us are here for you. DJC

First of all, bless you and I wish you the very best honey. I understand totally how you feel.

I was not as large as you, but, personally, I did not like my breasts. I don't know your age but for me, at 52, there was a lot of tissue under my arms, and they were flappy and just felt like sacks of fat that left indentures in my shoulders and back from the bra. And, all the bras looked like harnesses.

Now, since the bilateral and tram flap reconstruct, my cup size is actually larger, but, my breasts are really much nicer. They are perky, and not under the arm and I do not need a bra. So, maybe you can find something in that aspect to help you.

I have always kinda felt that my hair was my thing and I am losing it. Not due to chemo, I did not have to take that, but, due to iron deficient anemia and the ten hour surgery. That has been hard for me. So I understand when you lose that thing that you feel is so much a part of your idenity. I have wigs, but, they are not the same.

Good luck. What are you doing about reconstruction?

Jan

Hi, Joellyn, wish I had read your message earlier - BUT I just got hom on Saturday from having a bilateral mastectomy with no reconstruction myself! I was getting near the magic 5 year after having stage 1 in my left breast with a lumpectomy. Then they find DCIS with some invasion. Right breast was fine, but I decided I AM NOT DOING THIS AGAIN. So I told them to take both off. Everyone, including my aunt who had the same thing in 98, told me to have r econstruction right away. but I bought a book called a woman's decision which covers all the reconstruction options. While reading through and finding that these surgeries can create beautiful breasts, I also stopped to look at the 'before' pictures of woman with mastectomies. They looked like little girls without nipples. My husband looked at some pictures as well, and told me that whatever I wanted to do was up to me. He would be fine with it and in fact, seeing breastless women didn't bother him at all. I decided to postpone my reconstruction - perhaps not even do it. It depends on how I feel. I sailed through my surgery and am feeling great right now, even with 2 drains in my chest. I have had no pain, very little fatigue, and I know I made the right choice for me. You have to see this through yourself and do what is right for you. Sometimes, you are too frightened to know what that is. My main objectie was to get this cancer out of my body ASAP - and think about my former breasts later. My husband has seen my very flat chest - and trust me, the first time I saw it it was very strange. But it was not devastating, not even sad. Like the other woman on this email thread, I said goodbye to my breasts, and it wasn't as hard as I thought it wold be. Everyone is different. I had a much harder time losing my hair with Chemo the last time. (Am really really hoping they don't tell me I have to do that this time.) But the breasts are different. Start looking around at all the flat chested women out there. Do you really notice it at all? If it is as you say core to your identity, then you know you can have a gorgeious reconstruction - even better than before! So really, it's your choice. Your health is what matters. Please let me know how you are doing.

Hi Joellyn...I came across your message and could certainly relate. I had a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction 5 years ago. I was wondering how your surgery went and how you are feeling? Please write and let me know. Thinking of you,
Debi
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