Need some opinions

minnie112256 · May 2004

Ok, here is my story. I was diaginosed with Breast Cancer in September of 2002. I had 5 surgeries, chemo and am now on meds. for 5 years. My husband was very supportive through the whole thing. He was fantastic. The Christmas of my treatment my best friends gave me a trip to Disneyworld. We went and had a great time. Now I want to go back. I discussed this with my husband and he told me he was tired and wanted to stay home his two weeks vacation and do nothing. I told him fine, I would stay home with him those two weeks but I was going to disney with our daughter the week he went back to work. He is upset with me because he says we always did things together and I have changed. I have changed. This experience has changed me and I feel that I should do this because I want to and I need to think about me to. I offered to go somewhere with him, anywhere he wanted and he is concerned about my son getting a job and my daughter going to college. These things concern me too but I told him we have to think of us too. He can not understand this. I thought since all of you have been through breast cancer, maybe you can give me your thoughts on this. I am going to Florida with my daughter but I want to know if I am being selfish. I do not think I am. Thanks in advance. Ida

bunnie · May 2004

Hi i dont think your being selfish at all when we go thrugh something like this it puts a whole new out look on life you cant keep putting off the things you want to do it makes you relize that you never know when your time is up so live each day like is it the last one.My husband and i plan on doing just that this summer hoeping too get more camping in.I have delt with cancer twice in the last year and belive me it has change both of us like i said we are trying too do the things we want to do.As for your kids yes your parents and your going to be concerned about them but it sounds like the are adults and should be worry about thoes things themselves You have had enough lately too worry about.As for your trip to diney i say go and enjoy your self you offered to go somewhere whith your husband but obivilay he wants to just stay home and enjoy his vacation that way so if that is what he choose you cant change the fact but you should also go out and enjoy your self.Sorry hope iam not rambiling too much have fun at disney with your daughter.Bunnie

billandpatty · May 2004

Ida
As you know, all of us have had a life altering experience. You're not selfish, you're looking at the world and your family like you've never looked at them before.

I can identify with you about wanting to go and see things and feel "free" (at least that's my feeling). I like to plan getaways, even short ones. I took a business class last year that the instructor said we should all have a "ticket". A ticket for a trip, a concert, etc., that that gives us something to look forward to -- and I agree. Since I had b/c 4 years ago and melanoma last year, I get going in-between!

As far as traveling without your husband, hopefully you can work that out. Remember, he's been through a lot too. And if he was anything like my husband, he was your savior. I've had to reassure my husband that I love him more than ever and that my outbursts or "new" outlook on life is just that, that I have a different perspective now. And he's still my life, but I have to do some things and I think about things a little differently now. I think my husband has a fear of loss when I'm not around. We do lots of phoning each other when I'm away. (we plan getaways together, too). I don't think he loves the idea that I go without him (usually to/with my daughter or a girlfriend), but he knows that I need the "getaway" once in awhile.

Have a fun time at DisneyWorld, enjoy your daughter and reassure your husband that you're ok.

Patty

minnie112256 · May 2004

Thanks Bunnie and Patty for your replies. Patty I understand what you are saying about reassuring my husband. I am trying to do that and I will continue to try. Thanks

KimInBeirut · May 2004

May I suggest asking him if he'd like to just go to the Disney "area" with you and your daughter during his vacation? He can rest and do nothing - sit by the pool, lie in the hotel and watch TV, maybe even take in a round of golf; while you and your daughter do the tourist thing. Don't bug him to go into the park, just let him enjoy doing nothing. I've sometimes gone to a hotel within miles of my home just so I don't even SEE the dishes that could be washed, or the floors that could be mopped, or the bed that needs to be made --- I just go to a hotel, bring a good book and get away from housework looking me in the face. He may enjoy it -- if he doesn't go, I hope you have a good time!

marytres · May 2004

Ida, you're not selfish and he should understand or try to a little bit more. Go and enjoy yourself! Hugs, Marie

vac · May 2004

YOU ARE NOT SELFISH!!!!!!! you have gone through alot. i love disney my sister and i go 3 to 4 times a year. disney gives me a good fealing i was diagnose the same time as you. i had my lumpectomy in oct 2002, bil masectomy nov 2002 and a stem cel transplant oct 2003. i went to disny 4 weeks after my stem cel transplant had a great time. i had to wear a mask and my sister rented me a wheel chair. i fealt pretty strong. my husband is behind me 100% he does not like disney mainly the lines. i went to disney for 2 weeks with my girls my husband came up on the weekends. i figured my girls are growing and pretty soon they will have thier own life enjoy them while you got them. good luck vicki

inkblot · May 2004

Hi minnie:

Maybe your husband just needs some "home time" and was hoping you'd feel the same? Perhaps he'd feel "left out" if you go with your daughter when he doesn't want to go? Hard to say. You know your mate better than anyone else and only you can decide what his needs are and how to balance that with your own needs. Sometimes, it's just difficult for those closest to us to adjust to our life-changes and attitude changes, post cancer. I'd suggest talking with him to make sure that he understand how much you appreciate and love him and that you aren't leaving him behind, but rather, doing something good for yourself.

If YOU don't feel that you're being selfish, then proceed accordingly...if, however, you're having doubts about it, then take the time to rethink it and in the end you'll make the choice which is just right for you while taking your husband's feelings into consideration as well.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

minnie112256 · May 2004

Thanks for all of your opinions. They really do help. I am going along with my plans and my husband is accepting it one day at a time. He still does not want to talk about my plans but he is not telling me not to go anymore. I feel I am doing the right thing. thanks again. Ida

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