Helping Children Cope w/ BC

hummingbyrd said:

I can share with you what I did with my 8 and 11 year old from a Christian standpoint. I was diagnosed 6/00, my boys are now 12 and almost 15, they even went through a divorce the year after I was diagnosed. It was at that time the cancer metastasized to the bone. I was always very upfront and honest with my boys and made them quite comfortable with death. Although I always maintained the attitude I was NOT going to die.
When I found out about the first bone met I told my boys, "If and when I die do not be angry with God."
Well, my then 12 year old said, "Mom, it's not if, it's when 'cause we're all going to die."
I said, "Well OK, if I go before you, try not to miss me too much."
Maybe I taught them a little too well? LOL
Actually, no, that was one of my greatest moments. It is very uplifting to know your kids won't be just totally devastated if (when) you die. I know that may sound odd, but I want my boys to be that sure of the here and now and the beyond.
God bless.
hummingbyrd
email me if you want to tbyrd2@sbcglobal.net

tlmac said:

Hi Jaded, I have no young children of my own but I teach handicapped children grades K-3. They have an especially hard time with substitute teachers because their daily routine and security is disrupted. I knew I'd be leaving in January and not return to teaching till the following school year. I talked to them about taking medicine that tastes bad, medicine that makes them sleepy or upsets their tummys. This they could relate to. I told them I'd be taking some really wild red medicine that would make all my hair fall out and we all laughed. I visited the school as often as I could during treatment so they watched me go through the stages of hair loss. I'm sure it's not the same as seeing Mommy go through it but I believe it helped them to have been prepared and to know that this was a temporary condition and that I'd be good as new as soon as I was finished taking the medicine. They knew I was really really sick but they also knew that in time I'd be getting better. Several parents told me their children wanted to discuss my illness with them but all were reassurred that the nasty medicine would actually make me better.
One of the young mothers in our building took her kindergartener to the cancer center to see where Mommy gets her medicine and to meet the doctors and nurses who were helping mommy get better. Enlist the help of teachers and other school personnel to reassure her when she's with them and let her discuss it when she needs to talk. Good luck.

inkblot said:

Hi Jaded:

The key is being honest with our kids at a level they can comprehend. They know well when something is going on and when no one shares and explains it to them, they're left to their imaginations. Which can be quite active at 7 years of age. Your daughter is still on that cusp of "reality/fantasy" stage of development. Pictorials are really helpful for kids of this age. Drawings, etc. which demonstrate the tumor and the cures are great and can take away some of the fears.

What Marty did re having fun with the anticipated baldness was excellent. These kinds of things reduce the fear of when our children will see us without hair and see us perhaps not well, for the first time.

My son had just turned 13 when I was diagnosed. Although older than your daughter, he still needed to know and understand what was going on at each step of the process toward healing. His Father always went to chemo with me and he asked if he could go too, to my 3rd treatment and of course, he was welcomed. He took everything in and this removed a lot of the mystery that was going on in his mind about how the treatments actually happened. Afterward, he said it was quite different from what he had expected, although we'd explained the details to him.

While my son was able to understand the scientific mechanics of cancer (science is one of his favorite subjects) he still needed to know what the chemo was doing to and for me and how it all happened, etc.. We talked frequently throughout my treatment. From the getgo, he needed to know if the cancer was anyplace else in my body and if I would be cured by the treatments.
We told him that likely I would be cured and be fine but that no one can say with certainty that this will be the case. We proceeded as if it would be. Although I was bald, etc. I think his seeing me feeling well a few days after each treatment, gardening, exercising and doing my routine things, made him feel more confident that I would be ok and although he seemed to stick close to home during the dx and early chemo, he relaxed and again began hanging more with his friends and doing the things they all love to do and had always done. Kids at all ages, I think, just need time to adjust and we can help them along in that process by providing honest info and sharing our good attitude. Maybe this also teaches them that they too can be "fighters", when life gets difficult and throws some ugly things at us?

Something else which helped him was the Counselor at his Middle School. A childhood cancer survivor and someone I'd known for many years, she was amazing and wonderfully helpful.

I actually think it's great that your daughter is writing about her feelings in the journal at school. The journals reflect the childrens' daily lives and so she's writing in there what she's thinking about and how she feels. She's expressing herself which is important but she also doesn't know that you ARE getting medicines to help you, so she's wishing for that. As long as she's continuing to write about other things in her journal as well, then it's a good outlet for her self expression. Talking to the psychologist or counselor at her school may help immensely. Kids internalize things very differently from adults and this person can give you a lot of insight and ideas, as well as begin meeting with your daughter in order to assess how she's doing, while staying in touch with you, all to help her handle it as well as possible.

Letting her know that climbing into bed (or onto the sofa) with you and cuddling, is welcomed. Maybe watch some of her favorite videos on tv together and help her with her homework, etc.. This way, she can still feel secure and close to you, while not being afraid of your "cancer" or worrying that medicines to help you aren't available. One of the most wonderful things about kids at your daughter's age is that they are so fully able to live in the moment and we could all take lessons from them on that!

I think death is probably the most difficult thing for any of us to talk about with our children and even moreso when they're very young.
Talk to a professional and perhaps focus less on death and dying unless your prognosis is poor and you feel that you need to try to prepare her. Even then, I'd want some expert help/advice in doing that. Otherwise, I'd focus on the positives and try to help her understand what she can about treatment, while making each day the best it can be. If she understands that the treatments which make you not feel well, will end, it can help her have a healthier perspective in the process and perhaps relax more.

Hoping that you'll find rads to be much easier than chemo and that you will find ways to share each day with your daughter that focuses on ordinary, wonderful and fun things and that she, like yourself, will come through this ok.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

jhope said:

I am sorry to hear your pain, it is so hard when our kids are literally our hearts. IN 12-03 My kids father died at 43 of brain cancer, they were 16, 20. That same month my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, luckily stage 1. That following April (last year) I was diagnosed with medulllary, invavsive ductal, lymph node positive, etc. I took 12 chemos and radiation, 3 months out. I can't describe how it has been with my kids, they simply can't think, accept, or talk about my cancer. I understand, it is just very hard when it is consuming your life during treatment for me, how selfish is that. Sometimes guilt can really get you down. Please hang on and try to know that you will be there as much as you are physically able, all the hugs and kisses are all you can do emotionally. I know this probably didn't help you, sorry. Julia