ROTTEN Mother

blessings1020
blessings1020 Member Posts: 54
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
My 19 yo son is home this weekend from college (his first year...I also have a 17 yo who will graduate hs in June) and I can't even go to the movies with him.

My son is clinically depressed and on medication (I am biPolar and clinically depressed) and he has been abused. He has almost no social skills, no friends and has spoken since my b/c journey started almost a year ago of committing suicide.

I am extremely close to this my first child (he seems to need me more than my younger son though I adore them both) and he has been the one most impacted since my cancer diagnosis. He is so afraid he is going to lose me and we have made a pact...as long as I keep fighting, he will too.

I so wanted to do something with him this weekend (believe me, I have not done much with my children since my diagnosis), and because I cannot (due to severe pain), I am kicking myself from here to next Monday.

I feel as though I have let my children down in so many ways...I wasn't healthy when I had them and now, it's even worse.

My husband (their stepfather) is an incredible man who loves me and loves my children and does everything in his power to be supportive and helpful (and yes, even to listen to my many seemingly obtuse questions and observations)...I couldn't ask for any better. Never asks me for anything and I am so grateful for him.

I really am content in my life but I feel as though I am shortchanging my children.

Anyone else feel this way?

Comments

  • nancyeob
    nancyeob Member Posts: 19
    #2
    You are NOT a rotten mother. First of all your children are old enough to understand a little of what you are going through, they are not babies, they are young adults.
    Secondly, they have two wonderful role models. Between you and your husband they need to follow along with the way you are dealing with this hard time in your life. I have never gone, but it is said that the support groups, which are in just about every city are wonderful. Counseling may help them as they are surly not alone with their feelings.
    I personally just knew I was going to be fine. Come to find out I was the only one that thought that way. My husband and kids thought I was a goner. They never pitied me but were there when I needed them and did what they could to pick up the slack.
    I would suggest that you do whatever you can for as long as you can, we all know how tired we can get, and your boys will adapt to your schedule. Remember it's not the quantity of time it's the quality of time that counts.
    Nancy
  • seeknpeace
    seeknpeace Member Posts: 259
    #3
    Hello blessings...I too, am bipolar2, and I suffer with clinical depression. I think that your younger son sounds like he is distancing himself from you, and this could be normal or made a bit worse because of the breast cancer. They do that, most kids, around 17.

    I would try to do something with them that makes you happy and that you can all enjoy. Don't give up, the older son too will mature into his life and I hope get better.

    You are not a horrible mom. Raising teens is hard enough without breast cancer. I agree that a support group would be a good idea. Please stop kicking yourself and look forward honey. Please....
  • keeb
    keeb Member Posts: 8
    #4
    your not a rotten mother, but here are a few suggestions; when your not feeling well' ask your son's to make dinner for you, and you all eat in your bedroom and talk maybe, watch a little tv. who cares what it is (especially,if your tastebuds aren't functioning.)pbj,chicen noodle soup from the can....
    or just sit whereever your comfortable and play a board game or card game. just get creative and make it simple.
  • DeeNY711
    DeeNY711 Member Posts: 476 Member
    #5
    I bet when your 19 year old was planning to savor a weekend home at this point in his first year at college, he was not thinking about the thrill of going to the movies. He was thinking about sleeping in his own home in his own bed with his own family there. He was thinking about just taking a break and relaxing, away from the stress of preparing in the coming weeks for finals. He was thinking about having a couple of days off from the daily college routine. Maybe he was thinking about the refrigerator being accessible 24/7.

    During the aftermath of diagnosis, surgery and during treatment, I thought that if I had realized the anguish I would cause my own two sons, I would have stuck with adopting a series of cats who live like royalty at my expense, and skipped having children only to leave them devastated and lost upon my death. I think you may be the only one who truly understands exactly what I mean, and that means a lot to me tonight.

    We are all simply doing the best that we can with this situation. We are not made-for-TV characters. I thank God every day for watching over my husband and our two sons because God knows I can't manage that on top of everything else.

    Oh, and here is the best way to move past this. The things you torture yourself over are never the things that your children even recall. The things that they might cite as flawed moments on your part are moments that you would cite as your finest in parenting. In other words, don't worry about this stuff.
    Love,
    Denise, and thank you for taking the time to post this message
  • blessings1020
    blessings1020 Member Posts: 54
    #6
    DeeNY711 said:

    I bet when your 19 year old was planning to savor a weekend home at this point in his first year at college, he was not thinking about the thrill of going to the movies. He was thinking about sleeping in his own home in his own bed with his own family there. He was thinking about just taking a break and relaxing, away from the stress of preparing in the coming weeks for finals. He was thinking about having a couple of days off from the daily college routine. Maybe he was thinking about the refrigerator being accessible 24/7.

    During the aftermath of diagnosis, surgery and during treatment, I thought that if I had realized the anguish I would cause my own two sons, I would have stuck with adopting a series of cats who live like royalty at my expense, and skipped having children only to leave them devastated and lost upon my death. I think you may be the only one who truly understands exactly what I mean, and that means a lot to me tonight.

    We are all simply doing the best that we can with this situation. We are not made-for-TV characters. I thank God every day for watching over my husband and our two sons because God knows I can't manage that on top of everything else.

    Oh, and here is the best way to move past this. The things you torture yourself over are never the things that your children even recall. The things that they might cite as flawed moments on your part are moments that you would cite as your finest in parenting. In other words, don't worry about this stuff.
    Love,
    Denise, and thank you for taking the time to post this message

    How well you understand this roller coaster I seem to be continually riding on.

    Not once after and since my diagnosis have I thought about my own mortality. I am not afraid of death (I had a respiratory arrest in 1988 and, well, that's another story as I KNOW God has plans for me) but my main concern has always been those I might leave behind. Did I do enough, did I say "I love you" enough and on and on.

    I have been ill since my oldest son was four and my youngest was 2...I just keep thinking that they deserved so much more.

    Even though my sons are older, I did not tell them all I was going through because I did not want them to worry and I know I did the right thing.

    I have a motto "Don't sweat the small stuff", but this is a big deal and it is difficult to put it at the back of your mind especially when it comes to your children.

    I want to thank *you*, Denise, for posting this message. There is SO much comfort in knowing there are others that understand.

    Bless You....Diane

    I also want to thank everyone else who answered my post...I thank you from the bottom of my tired old heart...
  • bettygee
    bettygee Member Posts: 40
    #7
    I know you are absolutely NOT a rotten mother, you have raised two sons while fighting your own battle against cancer. I think you are a very brave person. I hope you will not be offended if I ask if your son who is clinically depressed and on medication is receiving ongoing counseling for his depression. If he still talks of suicide after being on medication, he may need a different medication, there are so many available and some work better for some people and others for other people. I am not a mental health professional, just another person who has been extremely depressed and had to try several different prescriptions before my doctor found the right one to keep me stable. I am so grateful she did not give up until we found the right one for me. Love and best wishes for you and your lovely family. Betty
  • jhope
    jhope Member Posts: 58
    #8
    Blessings, I too have older children, 23 & 19, and often feel guilty about not doing things when they ask (they both live on their own). I worry about them if I die of cancer because they just lost their father last september to brain cancer, he was 43, I'm 39. Every day seems a struggle and I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. God bless, jhope
  • blessings1020
    blessings1020 Member Posts: 54
    #9
    nancyeob said:

    You are NOT a rotten mother. First of all your children are old enough to understand a little of what you are going through, they are not babies, they are young adults.
    Secondly, they have two wonderful role models. Between you and your husband they need to follow along with the way you are dealing with this hard time in your life. I have never gone, but it is said that the support groups, which are in just about every city are wonderful. Counseling may help them as they are surly not alone with their feelings.
    I personally just knew I was going to be fine. Come to find out I was the only one that thought that way. My husband and kids thought I was a goner. They never pitied me but were there when I needed them and did what they could to pick up the slack.
    I would suggest that you do whatever you can for as long as you can, we all know how tired we can get, and your boys will adapt to your schedule. Remember it's not the quantity of time it's the quality of time that counts.
    Nancy

    Thank you, Nancy, for your reply. I realize my sons are young adults, but I feel I have failed them in so many ways.

    I did not have my first son until I was almost 33 (I am 52 now) and I have been ill (other health issues) since he was four years old.

    I guess I just have a lot of guilt and think I could have/should have done so much more.

    I know in my heart that even though I could not do many of the things other mothers could do, I could not love my children any more than I do.

    Diane
  • blessings1020
    blessings1020 Member Posts: 54
    #10
    seeknpeace said:

    Hello blessings...I too, am bipolar2, and I suffer with clinical depression. I think that your younger son sounds like he is distancing himself from you, and this could be normal or made a bit worse because of the breast cancer. They do that, most kids, around 17.

    I would try to do something with them that makes you happy and that you can all enjoy. Don't give up, the older son too will mature into his life and I hope get better.

    You are not a horrible mom. Raising teens is hard enough without breast cancer. I agree that a support group would be a good idea. Please stop kicking yourself and look forward honey. Please....

    Thank you so much for your reply. It helps to know that there are others here that are biPolar and have depression...not a lot of fun, is it? I am well "controlled" with meds.

    I realizing my younger son is distancing himself...this is how he handles things when he is upset. Two children and SO different (and I wouldn't have it any other way).

    I am not "into" support groups per se and I am handicapped so it is not easy for me to get around so if it is alright with all of you, I think I'll stay right here for a while.

    You are right, I do have to stop kicking myself, but I am working on the title of the "Queen of Guilt" :o)

    Diane
  • blessings1020
    blessings1020 Member Posts: 54
    #11
    keeb said:

    your not a rotten mother, but here are a few suggestions; when your not feeling well' ask your son's to make dinner for you, and you all eat in your bedroom and talk maybe, watch a little tv. who cares what it is (especially,if your tastebuds aren't functioning.)pbj,chicen noodle soup from the can....
    or just sit whereever your comfortable and play a board game or card game. just get creative and make it simple.

    You know, even though I am handicapped, I have always managed to cook, clean, and do laundry for the boys. It has always been very difficult for me to ask for help but you know, I just can't do it anymore.

    Eating on the bed and watching a movie sounds great to me...both of mine are into horror movies and they, I am ashamed to say, give me nightmares (at my age!!).

    I suppose I am going to have to let others step in and help me for a while.

    Thank you for your post.

    Diane
  • Carpson
    Carpson Member Posts: 1
    #12
    Blessings I am a 19 year old son of a breast cancer survivor...she was diagnosed when i was 17 i def have a certain idea of how your kids feel...i am the oldest of three boys and being th oldest is very difficult...but i will tell you right now you are not letting your kids down or shortchanging them...trust me they know that this is an extremely difficult time for you and your husband...the best thing you can do is just continously show them love and always be honest with them ...i hope the best for you and your family...God Bless
  • blessings1020
    blessings1020 Member Posts: 54
    #13
    bettygee said:

    I know you are absolutely NOT a rotten mother, you have raised two sons while fighting your own battle against cancer. I think you are a very brave person. I hope you will not be offended if I ask if your son who is clinically depressed and on medication is receiving ongoing counseling for his depression. If he still talks of suicide after being on medication, he may need a different medication, there are so many available and some work better for some people and others for other people. I am not a mental health professional, just another person who has been extremely depressed and had to try several different prescriptions before my doctor found the right one to keep me stable. I am so grateful she did not give up until we found the right one for me. Love and best wishes for you and your lovely family. Betty

    First, I thank you for your post and I absolutely do not mind telling you about my son.

    My oldest son (19), has been in therapy since he was four years old! He was put on meds when he was 10. He has chosen not to continue with therapy (and if you have a child in college you know even if he/she did want to attend, there is hardly any time to even breathe!) and I respect that decision as he is now a man. I have discussed with him the possibility of changing his meds (especially since a study has shown that more people on Prozac are prone to commit suicide ).

    You know, since I am biPolar and clinically depressed (and have been since the age of 17), I feel so guilty thinking that I have passed this to my son. It is a terrible, horrible place to dwell...this darn depression!

    I am calling him at least twice a week to check on him and the next time he comes home, we are going to the doctor to see about a change in meds.

    Thank you so much for your caring and your concern.

    Diane
  • blessings1020
    blessings1020 Member Posts: 54
    #14
    jhope said:

    Blessings, I too have older children, 23 & 19, and often feel guilty about not doing things when they ask (they both live on their own). I worry about them if I die of cancer because they just lost their father last september to brain cancer, he was 43, I'm 39. Every day seems a struggle and I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. God bless, jhope

    I am so very sorry about the loss of your husband. Now, on top of everything, you have your own struggle with cancer. Your plate certainly is full.

    I know how when all you can do is put one foot in front of the other, your feet certainly do tend to get mighty heavy at times.

    I hope that as time passes, this constant struggle gets easier for all of us.

    Blessings to you

    Diane
  • blessings1020
    blessings1020 Member Posts: 54
    #15
    Carpson said:

    Blessings I am a 19 year old son of a breast cancer survivor...she was diagnosed when i was 17 i def have a certain idea of how your kids feel...i am the oldest of three boys and being th oldest is very difficult...but i will tell you right now you are not letting your kids down or shortchanging them...trust me they know that this is an extremely difficult time for you and your husband...the best thing you can do is just continously show them love and always be honest with them ...i hope the best for you and your family...God Bless

    I must tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to answer my post. It helps immensely hearing from a young man who has been through these life changing experiences with his own mother to know that maybe I am not such a terrible person right now. It seems that I am caught in a whirlwind of worrying about everyone else around me...making this ok for them, and maybe this is my way of coping. There is just so much to do and I can't do any of it which tends to feed my mind wandering and thinking of all the things I could have, should have, would have done.

    If nothing else, I do show my children love (in fact, I am a big hugger and my younger son (17) want nothing to do with that!) and I am totally honest with them...this cancer affects their lives as well.

    You have made my day by your post and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. What a special young man you are.

    I wish you and your family many Blessings and I hope your mother is doing well...she certainly is lucky to have a son like you.

    Diane

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