Just saying hello

seeknpeace · March 2004

I just wanted to reach out to the community as I am recovering from a double mastectomy with tram flap reconstruction on 2-4.

I have such dark desperate hours and I really do not know how to handle them. My spouse works 2nd shift so I am alone some nights, my daughters do take turns hanging out with me in the evenings. Without them I begin to cry and cannot stop.

When will this phase end? I have had to close a business due to the cancer and financially we are desperate, and I wondered how any of you have dealt with that? I am so confused and stuck right now.

Jan

hummingbyrd · March 2004

Go to www.urcctc.com and you can find out how I dealt with it all.
God bless.
hummingbyrd

tlmac · March 2004

Hi Seek, A year ago, I was where you are. My bilateral mastectomies were done on 2-6-2003. I'm single and live alone. No siblings and only a step-father still living. I do have a foster daughter but she's 1 1/2 hours away and could only stay with me the first 3 days after surgery. She teaches handicapped children and had to get back. We did talk frequently on the phone but, the majority of the time it was just me. I researched a lot on the internet so I could actively participate in my medical future. I attended the local Reach to Recovery support group and became involved in the lives of others who were going through the same thing. Some of their prognoses were worse than mine and I began to realize how lucky I was. Friends and coworkers kept cards coming on an almost daily basis and I'd read then reread their messages. When it got too bad, I'd e-mail my closest friends or pick up a phone and call. You did the right thing coming here. I didn't discover CSN until just a few weeks ago or I'd have been here daily. I'm here now because I still have my moments and it helps to share experiences with those of you facing everything for the first time now. There's nothing you can say here that we haven't felt or won't understand. I was lucky that, as a healthy teacher, I'd accumulated sufficient paid sick days to take off work from January till the end of the 2003-2004 school year. Closing a business must have been so difficult for you but the most important thing is getting you through this and back on your feet again. If the bills back up, you'll send each one $5.00 a month till finances improve. You'll learn to "let go and let God." Prayer got me through the worst of it and it will do the same for you. Remember we're all here and we're praying for you.
terri

seeknpeace · March 2004

tlmac said:
Hi Seek, A year ago, I was where you are. My bilateral mastectomies were done on 2-6-2003. I'm single and live alone. No siblings and only a step-father still living. I do have a foster daughter but she's 1 1/2 hours away and could only stay with me the first 3 days after surgery. She teaches handicapped children and had to get back. We did talk frequently on the phone but, the majority of the time it was just me. I researched a lot on the internet so I could actively participate in my medical future. I attended the local Reach to Recovery support group and became involved in the lives of others who were going through the same thing. Some of their prognoses were worse than mine and I began to realize how lucky I was. Friends and coworkers kept cards coming on an almost daily basis and I'd read then reread their messages. When it got too bad, I'd e-mail my closest friends or pick up a phone and call. You did the right thing coming here. I didn't discover CSN until just a few weeks ago or I'd have been here daily. I'm here now because I still have my moments and it helps to share experiences with those of you facing everything for the first time now. There's nothing you can say here that we haven't felt or won't understand. I was lucky that, as a healthy teacher, I'd accumulated sufficient paid sick days to take off work from January till the end of the 2003-2004 school year. Closing a business must have been so difficult for you but the most important thing is getting you through this and back on your feet again. If the bills back up, you'll send each one $5.00 a month till finances improve. You'll learn to "let go and let God." Prayer got me through the worst of it and it will do the same for you. Remember we're all here and we're praying for you.
terri

Thank you so much for your responses....I am going to go and read hummingbyrds, I have not yet.

I see so many positive, strong ppl who are dealing with their cancer by "hitting the ground running" and I feel so inadequate. It is good to know that I am not alone.

I don't feel good about any of it, while I am glad that my cancer was found early, I am not glad for the cancer and how it has affected all the other areas of my life. For me, sometimes I feel like everyone that I love would be better if they could just collect the life insurance and make sense of the financial mess, but that is not an option. I look so forward to being past this point, to be able to inquire about a college course without breaking down, calling a business contact to end a relationship without crying. I feel so unstable.

DeeNY711 · March 2004

My bilateral mastectomy was on 2/20/03, and it is a very scary piece of ground. I tried to focus on the fact that there is a beginning, a middle and an end to treatment. I did not have reconstruction at that time, but the surgeon mentioned that in the future, I might want to consider tram flap reconstruction because I carry weight in the abdomen, we could rearrange it to where it would be a plus, and a tummy tuck could be included. I told her that I had examined my abdomen carefully and decided that there was nothing there that I would want on my chest.

I have the same difficulty you do with overactive waterworks and the telephone. I can get worked up halfway to a sob while ringing up Verizon Wireless because my cell phone stopped working. I still have difficulty bailing out while the phone is ringing when I call either of my sons.

I watched enough quiz shows to know everything about anything, and particularly enjoyed New York Times Crossword puzzles on Mon, Tues and Wed. I crocheted an afghan for each son. Read books. Distraction helps. I highly recommend PLUM ISLAND by Nelson DeMille. It is very long, very interesting and intriguing.

Jan, you will find your way through this. I closed a business before things hit the fan, and understand how there is a period of mourning just for that alone without all the rest you have been through. Perhaps when Spring really arrives, you will start to feel a little better.
Love,
Denise

seeknpeace · March 2004

DeeNY711 said:
My bilateral mastectomy was on 2/20/03, and it is a very scary piece of ground. I tried to focus on the fact that there is a beginning, a middle and an end to treatment. I did not have reconstruction at that time, but the surgeon mentioned that in the future, I might want to consider tram flap reconstruction because I carry weight in the abdomen, we could rearrange it to where it would be a plus, and a tummy tuck could be included. I told her that I had examined my abdomen carefully and decided that there was nothing there that I would want on my chest.

I have the same difficulty you do with overactive waterworks and the telephone. I can get worked up halfway to a sob while ringing up Verizon Wireless because my cell phone stopped working. I still have difficulty bailing out while the phone is ringing when I call either of my sons.

I watched enough quiz shows to know everything about anything, and particularly enjoyed New York Times Crossword puzzles on Mon, Tues and Wed. I crocheted an afghan for each son. Read books. Distraction helps. I highly recommend PLUM ISLAND by Nelson DeMille. It is very long, very interesting and intriguing.

Jan, you will find your way through this. I closed a business before things hit the fan, and understand how there is a period of mourning just for that alone without all the rest you have been through. Perhaps when Spring really arrives, you will start to feel a little better.
Love,
Denise

Thank you so much Denise. I really appreciate you sharing what you are going through with me. I don't want to lose any of my days of my life, but, I would so wish to wake up to a year from now.

lynne40 · March 2004

seeknpeace said:
Thank you so much Denise. I really appreciate you sharing what you are going through with me. I don't want to lose any of my days of my life, but, I would so wish to wake up to a year from now.

Hi Jan, Your last remark really hit home because at times I felt like that too. If my days are numbered I want to be fully IN them, yet I wanted to project myself forward and get on with my life. You will go through stages. When you think you can't stand your thoughts anymore surprisingly you will have a more positive day. I beleived this was God saying "I HEAR YOU ALREADY" and I'd have a better day. You have grief over the loss of your life as you knew it. Whatever state it was in it was yours. Then cancer came calling. You've closed your business, your body has been changed and your mind can't keep up. It happens to alot of us. I am almost 7 months past treatment and when you look backwards(isn't that always the case?!) you can see the stages you went through and your progress. I used to tell my husband I wasn't sure if it would be worth it, even though I might be fighting my strongest at the same time. You are not alone. You've come to a place where people really KNOW how you feel and accept it. Not to be trite, but the way you feel now "this too shall pass" It gets better. Hugs,
Lynne

inkblot · March 2004

Hi Seekn:

I agree with lynne40 and the other ladies.

I understand your feelings and it is sort of like going on a long trip. At times, you wish you were there already or could just teleport yourself there and skip all the traveling time.

It's a process and you must be patient with yourself. Cancer comes along and not only rains on our parade but brings down a veritable hurricane.

Still, a great starting point and something to focus upon is that you have come through it with your life. Losing a business is hard. Being financially strapped is hard. Being alive though, gives you the opportunity to work out the other difficulties, to learn and to grow from it along the way. And you WILL! Who knows what amazing things you may discover about yourself and life in geeneral along your road to recovery??? It just takes some time to realize that yes, this has happened to me and yes, it's difficult, but I will surmount the difficulties and focus on taking the best care possible of me. This includes crying when you need to and being angry when you need to and in dealing with each emotion, you will begin to see the sunshine once again and trust me, it will likely look brighter to you than any sunshine you've seen before.

Perhaps a good starting point may be to say, ok, I'm still here, and warts and all, I'm going to overcome this experience, by hook or by crook and just go from there. One day at at time. One thought at a time. One feeling at a time. If it feels like a roller coaster sometimes, that's ok too. It can be like that, early on, for some of us.

Sending warm hugs and good feelings your way.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

billandpatty · March 2004

You're at a good place to get some hugs and support. Not one of us could tell you this is an easy road to go down, no matter what our treatment and prognosis -- our stories are all a little different, but we all share the same experience -- Cancer -- it came along and interruped and disrupted our lives. This is not the journey any of us had planned.

As you've discovered, cancer doesn't wait around for you to get the rest of your life in order. Financial burdens and other problems that you could handle before, seem overwhelming. I found one thing that helped me, it didn't solve anything, but it helped me get it out and be able to look at what was going on -- I wrote in a journal almost daily. I wrote about everything, the weather, my treatments, who was at the house, what the dog was doing...and things I couldn't tell anyone, like my fears. It helped to give me a feeling of freedom, if only for a few moments. Now, if I'm feeling like I haven't progressed like I think I should have, I read back in my journal and can see that a lot has changed and I'm still here!

Daughters are great aren't they. I have one too. She seems to have an extra sense and know when I just need to vent. Can yours take you out for a ride or walk or sit at the park? Sometimes just doing something you don't normally do gets you "out of the box".

Give yourself permission to get used to all this, a lot has happened to you. Your body is healing and it takes time. And know that all of us are here to listen when you need to reach out. Warm thoughts and support to you, Patty.

seeknpeace · March 2004

I can never thank any of you enough for validating some of the things that I am feeling and living. On a positive note, I called a business assoc. today and it just so happens that he has a need for me in his business, and we are old friends. So, if we can navigate the financial aspects of it, I may not have to interview and go through all the things that made me feel so inadequate.

I have been a stock broker for 11 years and 8 of them I have owned my own small investment company. The past two plus years of uncertainty in the markets had taken a toll on my earnings and so, it is a relief that I can provide to my friend help in his company, use my skills and do it part time initially...I am seeing a patch of blue.

I expect to second guess this many times in the following days. I told him that I would not be able to start until May 1 at the earliest, so that I can be ready to do a good job. I really hope that this all comes together.

I am trying to look forward and you all have helped me understand that I can look back and grieve too.

I have five daughters, so they take turns hanging with me, and yes, I agree, daughters are the best. They are my best friends.

Jan

Just saying hello

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