What happens when the spouse quits?

Sheepy said:

Hi Kerry,
I've only just read your posts, and I can't begin to understand how you feel - but if your husband is really that selfish, has he been dragging you down for some time?

I went through a difficult divorce, but while it was hard work my strength came from the knowledge that I could make a new start. Yes, money was tight (and still is), but the divorce was the opportunity for me to stand proud again, and meet my wonderful wife.

Evidence is poor, but I firmly believe my cancer got a hold when my marriage was falling apart and my self-esteem was nil. It could be the same for you - and your own pride and strength can now come to the fore and let you start on a new cancer-free life (both literally and by analogy).

spongebob said:

Kerry -

I was served divorce papers in my hospital room two days after my surgery. I looked at them, looked at the document server and told him that if I wasn't hooked-up to a morphine drip and didn't have my guts being held in by 27 staples, i would get out of that bed and kick his @$$. I shouldn't have been so hard on him, he was clearly ashamed of what he had just had to do and asked me not to blame him, he was only doing his job.

Since that fateful day in 2001, my ex has gone out of her way to try to make my life miserable (as if 6 months of chemo while working two jobs to make her payments didn't already have the market cornered on "miserable").

But you know what? I came to believe that every cloud has at least one silver lining. Here's what I see for you:

1. You had C1 and the chemo was prophylactic. Your CEA is awesome and you appear to be out of the woods.

2. If he left you when you were so far down, he would have left anyway. Consider it like I did; you got rid of two cancers at once.

3. You have, by your own admission, a loving family, wonderful children, and many friends. That's all you need. Remember what the Wizard of Oz said to the Tin Man; "The true measure of your heart is not how much you love, but how much you are loved by others." You obviously have a great big heart.

4. When one door closes (and I would recommend you keep this one closed forever), two more are opened. You have a wonderful opportunity to start out fresh. You don't work, but, judging by how well you articulated your situation, you're a very smart person. Seeing as you did your entire chemo regime, you are obviously a very strong person. You appear to be a remarkably good candidate for a great job - people like you are hard to find in the workplace. I would venture to suggest that God has a mission for you and perhaps that mission will be accomplished through your new job.

5. As far as insurance goes, look for a job that offers good medical benefits. If they won't cover you for a "pre-exisiting" condition, make it a term of your divorce decree that your husband provide you with medical insurance at the same level it was before he deserted you. Given the circumstances, I sincerely doubt he'd fight it, and if he were to fight it, I have no doubt a court would find his behavior so reprehensible that they would have no problem awarding it to you (along with attorney's fees).

You and I aren't alone in our plights. There are plenty of semi-colons who have experienced this sort of thing. We're the strong ones.

I know you're probably beside yourself with grief and anger and hurt and a whole host of other feelings right now. Someone once told me that the best thing about hitting rock bottom is that you have no way to go but up.

Focus on living and enjoying your life. Cancer-free, and that goes for EVERY type of cancer!

The sun'll come out tomorrow... bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun.

Keeping you in my prayers

- SpongeBob