My mom died, just want to talk

mymomsdaughter
mymomsdaughter Member Posts: 5
edited March 2014 in Surviving Caregivers #1
Hi, I didn't see any new messages. My mom passed away from ovarian cancer in October of 2003. It's been four months, and I'm still having a hard time - I lost my best friend. I am married with four children, and uprooted my family after my mother's death to move in with my dad to take care of him. Other than my dad, I was my mom's primary care giver during her illness. I just miss her so much. I see messages from others, who lost their moms years ago, and are still in pain. Will the hurt ever get any easier? I hate it that she won't be able to see my children grow. We would talk every day, even before she got sick, we were just so close. I lost my best friend, and don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. My husband tries to be supportive, but both his parants and all of his grandparents are still alive, and he just doesn't understand. I have brothers, but I was the only girl, and I feel like they have moved on, and I'm just stuck. I just need someone who understands.

Comments

  • grannyfranny
    grannyfranny Member Posts: 42
    #2
    I'm so sorry about your great loss. What a wonderful relationship you and your mother had! My mother and I loved each other, but we weren't that close - mostly my fault, I fear. She lived to be 75 and died 9 years ago after a long struggle with lupus. Since then, there keep being things that I'd like to share with her and can't. That hurts. I told a friend that I wished so much I could talk with her again. He said, "Why can't you? Go ahead. Talk to her, or write her letters." So sometimes I do. It isn't a total solution, but it does help a bit.
  • gracecat
    gracecat Member Posts: 1
    #3
    Hi, my Mom died of breast cancer on August 7, 2003. Mom and I were best friends like you and your Mom. We would talk every day and were extremely close. I'm an only child, which I imagine is somewhat close to being the only daughter. I was her primary caregiver over the past 5 years. I miss my Mom so much that it's unbearable at times - physically painful. People are always telling me that it'll get easier and that she's in a better place (which goes right through me) but I just can't imagine that I'll ever miss her any less or that this hurt will ever subside. Sometimes I feel like I'm driving my boyfriend and my friends nuts talking about her, but I can't help myself. My boyfriend has been wonderful through everything, but I know what you mean - until you experience this kind of loss, you have no clue how it feels. I feel like my anchor has been set loose and I'm just floating out there.
  • mikebur
    mikebur Member Posts: 24
    #4
    gracecat said:

    Hi, my Mom died of breast cancer on August 7, 2003. Mom and I were best friends like you and your Mom. We would talk every day and were extremely close. I'm an only child, which I imagine is somewhat close to being the only daughter. I was her primary caregiver over the past 5 years. I miss my Mom so much that it's unbearable at times - physically painful. People are always telling me that it'll get easier and that she's in a better place (which goes right through me) but I just can't imagine that I'll ever miss her any less or that this hurt will ever subside. Sometimes I feel like I'm driving my boyfriend and my friends nuts talking about her, but I can't help myself. My boyfriend has been wonderful through everything, but I know what you mean - until you experience this kind of loss, you have no clue how it feels. I feel like my anchor has been set loose and I'm just floating out there.

    I am sorry for all of your losses. My dad died in 1989 and my mom died in 2000 and yes, it does hurt and we miss them all. Time has helped me grieve and talking about them has also helped me grieve. The other suggestion about writing letters also helps. It helps to get everything out - do not keep it in. Call the American Cancer Society in your area and see if they have group and/or individual counseling that you can go to. It helps to talk about it and that is why this message board is so good. I know my mom and dad are in a better place and they are not old anymore and are not in pain anymore. I am happy for them and I know they want me to be happy. I have a strong faith and I know God is helping me through this process. I had prostate cancer surgery on 7/25/03 and I am in recovery with that but as I reach out to others - it helps me in my grief and recovery. It's okay to miss them and to feel sad - that's part of the recovery process. Just keep talking about it and letting it out. God bless you. Mike
  • jhope
    jhope Member Posts: 58
    #5
    What a beautiful heart you all have. My name is Julia, I'm 39 with kids 19 & 23. Their dad passed away Dec 2002, and I was diagnosed with stage IIb (75% surviaval) April of 2003. I am 3 months from surgerys, chemo, radiation. At times I thought God could not be so cruel as to take both parents from my kids. I truely believe in Christ and am not afraid to die. I worrry, lie awake at nite, and cry as I write this with worry for my kids and husband. Who will take care of them, pray for them, talk to them every day like I do. I want you all to know to stay strong and you are and can be a great comfort to those of us who this is our greatest worry. Perhaps I will survive and can adopt you via internet to talk, and you can help me? I will email you mymothersdaughter, you can reply or not if you are not comfortable, Julia
  • Jessalyn
    Jessalyn Member Posts: 6
    #6
    Hi...I read your message and it really touched me. My mom died in August of '03 from bile duct cancer. I'm not the only girl, but I am the oldest girl and the only child who isn't married. All of my siblings are, and sometimes I just feel like they don't get it. At least Mom got to meet their spouses, and at least they have someone to lean on so they don't have to grieve alone. And I can't imagine having children now...I can't imagine my children not getting to know her. It makes me so angry and feel so helpless...just like I felt when she was dying. I also moved back in with my father after her death, and its hard. I go through some days blocking out all thoughts of her because it just hurts too much...and some days I just can't stop thinking about her and feeling the "what if" guilt. Those days (like today) make it feel like she died only yesterday. The sound of the gurney carrying her out still echoes and I don't know when or how that sound will get out of my head or my heart. I know I'm not being very positive, but I guess maybe I just wanted you to know that someone else knows that same pain. Some days are better than others, and I guess the bad ones do seem to get farther apart after a while. Please let me know how you are doing...I'll be praying for you.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #7
    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • EPS
    EPS Member Posts: 1
    #8
    My mom died just want to talk
    Hi, my mom died in 1997 of Colon Cancer and I havent really talked about her, I feel there is still and openess? I didn't attend her funeral which was held in the Philippine Islands. You see she came to the USA back in the late 40's immigrated to Califorinia and settled in Carmel, CA with my dad had two kids me and my brother in the 50's. We left the Monterey Peninsula to So Cal in the mid 70's settled in Lynwood, Ca 1976. Then in 1979 they decided to retire an sell their home and move to the islands. They ended up coming back to live in So Cal again until my dad died in 1985. After my mom moved back to Monterey until her death in 1997. Her wish was to be buried in her home town in the islands. I ended up not going due to a $$ situation. So they ended up burying her without me there my brother arranged the funeral. So fast forward to 2011 i still feel the loneliness without my mom and truely regret not being there @ her bedside when she got more sick and passed . And I think of her daily since she passed on now for 14 years can u believe that? It never stops. I don't want you think Im crazi or something but last month were my parents wedding aniversary 2/14 around that time I was in my bedroom alone I was actually in the whole house alone. I started to smell an aroma of a match that was blown out and followed by a flower fragrance right after (no windows were open n door was closed)? I always felt my mom and dad come to watch over me a few years at a time.This had happened before but only a match fragrance would be in the air on prior accounts. They did say if anything were ever to happend to them my dad would watch over me always. I guess God lets parents come down to earth at times to see there children and loved ones again. So maybe one day you'll see your mom here or in heaven, Hope I didnt bore you but I also wanted to talk about my moms death with someone tonight, EPS (Southern Cal).
  • tanker sgv
    tanker sgv Member Posts: 124 Member
    #9
    EPS said:

    My mom died just want to talk
    Hi, my mom died in 1997 of Colon Cancer and I havent really talked about her, I feel there is still and openess? I didn't attend her funeral which was held in the Philippine Islands. You see she came to the USA back in the late 40's immigrated to Califorinia and settled in Carmel, CA with my dad had two kids me and my brother in the 50's. We left the Monterey Peninsula to So Cal in the mid 70's settled in Lynwood, Ca 1976. Then in 1979 they decided to retire an sell their home and move to the islands. They ended up coming back to live in So Cal again until my dad died in 1985. After my mom moved back to Monterey until her death in 1997. Her wish was to be buried in her home town in the islands. I ended up not going due to a $$ situation. So they ended up burying her without me there my brother arranged the funeral. So fast forward to 2011 i still feel the loneliness without my mom and truely regret not being there @ her bedside when she got more sick and passed . And I think of her daily since she passed on now for 14 years can u believe that? It never stops. I don't want you think Im crazi or something but last month were my parents wedding aniversary 2/14 around that time I was in my bedroom alone I was actually in the whole house alone. I started to smell an aroma of a match that was blown out and followed by a flower fragrance right after (no windows were open n door was closed)? I always felt my mom and dad come to watch over me a few years at a time.This had happened before but only a match fragrance would be in the air on prior accounts. They did say if anything were ever to happend to them my dad would watch over me always. I guess God lets parents come down to earth at times to see there children and loved ones again. So maybe one day you'll see your mom here or in heaven, Hope I didnt bore you but I also wanted to talk about my moms death with someone tonight, EPS (Southern Cal).

    vent away
    Say whatever u need to say. That's the good thing here. What might be a boring story to some as u said to one person it might touch there heart and that's the beauty of there being so many members on one site.
  • dee725
    dee725 Member Posts: 4
    #10
    EPS said:

    My mom died just want to talk
    Hi, my mom died in 1997 of Colon Cancer and I havent really talked about her, I feel there is still and openess? I didn't attend her funeral which was held in the Philippine Islands. You see she came to the USA back in the late 40's immigrated to Califorinia and settled in Carmel, CA with my dad had two kids me and my brother in the 50's. We left the Monterey Peninsula to So Cal in the mid 70's settled in Lynwood, Ca 1976. Then in 1979 they decided to retire an sell their home and move to the islands. They ended up coming back to live in So Cal again until my dad died in 1985. After my mom moved back to Monterey until her death in 1997. Her wish was to be buried in her home town in the islands. I ended up not going due to a $$ situation. So they ended up burying her without me there my brother arranged the funeral. So fast forward to 2011 i still feel the loneliness without my mom and truely regret not being there @ her bedside when she got more sick and passed . And I think of her daily since she passed on now for 14 years can u believe that? It never stops. I don't want you think Im crazi or something but last month were my parents wedding aniversary 2/14 around that time I was in my bedroom alone I was actually in the whole house alone. I started to smell an aroma of a match that was blown out and followed by a flower fragrance right after (no windows were open n door was closed)? I always felt my mom and dad come to watch over me a few years at a time.This had happened before but only a match fragrance would be in the air on prior accounts. They did say if anything were ever to happend to them my dad would watch over me always. I guess God lets parents come down to earth at times to see there children and loved ones again. So maybe one day you'll see your mom here or in heaven, Hope I didnt bore you but I also wanted to talk about my moms death with someone tonight, EPS (Southern Cal).

    Miss My Mom also
    I lost my mom back in 2003. I miss her alot especially around the holidays, birthdays or special occassion. When she had past, it took me 4 years but then started family reunions with her side. Till this day, we have them every year. My mother was 1 of 10 children so that side of the family was hard to get together. I hated every time when we seen them was at a funeral or wedding but mostly funerals. So I created a happier occassion. Every time we get together, I feel her with us stronger then when I'm home missing her. I talk to her every day more this last week. My father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer so I'm asking for strength to get thru this. My mom was easy to take care of but my dad has been hard. So don't think your boring us with your story because it does make a person feel better when they write it out. Believe me, I have journals with letters to my mom.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #11
    dee725 said:

    Miss My Mom also
    I lost my mom back in 2003. I miss her alot especially around the holidays, birthdays or special occassion. When she had past, it took me 4 years but then started family reunions with her side. Till this day, we have them every year. My mother was 1 of 10 children so that side of the family was hard to get together. I hated every time when we seen them was at a funeral or wedding but mostly funerals. So I created a happier occassion. Every time we get together, I feel her with us stronger then when I'm home missing her. I talk to her every day more this last week. My father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer so I'm asking for strength to get thru this. My mom was easy to take care of but my dad has been hard. So don't think your boring us with your story because it does make a person feel better when they write it out. Believe me, I have journals with letters to my mom.

    This Board
    This board doesn't get a lot of action. You will find that more is written on the caregiver and other boards. Also, the grief and bereavement board has many who are still grieving the loss of a loved one. We are constantly finding that although we don't know each other in person, we often understand each others hearts. Take care, Fay
  • honoringmymom
    honoringmymom Member Posts: 1
    #12
    your Mom
    I know that you posted this message years ago--I am just reading it now.
    Everything you said feels just like how I feel. My Mom is my best friend too. I've talked to her at least twice a day since I moved out in my 20's.
    I'm now 39 with 2 children. My husband also tries to be supportive. I keep saying the same thing-that I won't have anyone to talk to.
    My Mom has bone cancer and has had it for over 3 years. She basically has only a few weeks.
    Can you tell me if the hurt gets any better?
    My Dad is heart broken. They will have been married 50 years this July.
  • neverquit
    neverquit Member Posts: 220 Member
    #13
    honoringmymom said:

    your Mom
    I know that you posted this message years ago--I am just reading it now.
    Everything you said feels just like how I feel. My Mom is my best friend too. I've talked to her at least twice a day since I moved out in my 20's.
    I'm now 39 with 2 children. My husband also tries to be supportive. I keep saying the same thing-that I won't have anyone to talk to.
    My Mom has bone cancer and has had it for over 3 years. She basically has only a few weeks.
    Can you tell me if the hurt gets any better?
    My Dad is heart broken. They will have been married 50 years this July.

    I lost my Dad to prostrate
    I lost my Dad to prostrate cancer Oct. 31, 2001. We are a very close family (6 kids ages 43 to 53 at the time and all live within 10 miles of our parents) and I can tell you it was very hard on us as well as the grandchildren (and of course my Mom too after 55 years of marriage). I realize it may have not been my Mom, but my Dad was a super Dad. It hurt like h__l, but it did get better as time has gone on. The one thing I have found is that the hurt never really completely goes away though. And with the recent passing of my husband to gastric cancer, you do end up feeling some of the old hurt along with all of the new hurt of losing a soul mate. Cancer really sucks!. I wish your peace and my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.
  • aykt36
    aykt36 Member Posts: 28
    #14
    mikebur said:

    I am sorry for all of your losses. My dad died in 1989 and my mom died in 2000 and yes, it does hurt and we miss them all. Time has helped me grieve and talking about them has also helped me grieve. The other suggestion about writing letters also helps. It helps to get everything out - do not keep it in. Call the American Cancer Society in your area and see if they have group and/or individual counseling that you can go to. It helps to talk about it and that is why this message board is so good. I know my mom and dad are in a better place and they are not old anymore and are not in pain anymore. I am happy for them and I know they want me to be happy. I have a strong faith and I know God is helping me through this process. I had prostate cancer surgery on 7/25/03 and I am in recovery with that but as I reach out to others - it helps me in my grief and recovery. It's okay to miss them and to feel sad - that's part of the recovery process. Just keep talking about it and letting it out. God bless you. Mike

    thanks
    it helps me in my grief and recovery. It's okay to








    miss them and to feel sad - that's part of the recovery process. Just keep talking about it and letting it out. God bless you. Mike
  • joshua23
    joshua23 Member Posts: 1
    #15
    neverquit said:

    I lost my Dad to prostrate
    I lost my Dad to prostrate cancer Oct. 31, 2001. We are a very close family (6 kids ages 43 to 53 at the time and all live within 10 miles of our parents) and I can tell you it was very hard on us as well as the grandchildren (and of course my Mom too after 55 years of marriage). I realize it may have not been my Mom, but my Dad was a super Dad. It hurt like h__l, but it did get better as time has gone on. The one thing I have found is that the hurt never really completely goes away though. And with the recent passing of my husband to gastric cancer, you do end up feeling some of the old hurt along with all of the new hurt of losing a soul mate. Cancer really sucks!. I wish your peace and my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

    speak to your ones


    After the death of my cousin I saw his spirit very clearly. I feel his presence around me, I see him in my dreams, he is always with me.This became possible because i contacted doctorjeffersontemple@gmail.com  Who help me out to communicate with my him after his death,now i feel like he is not dead.I really appreciate his effort.

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