help w/my guy in denial

Hi Cybele!!! Sorry to hear about your beau's diagnosis. That was good advice from mboneal - especially coming from a wife's perspective. I was diagnosed on 5/23/03. PSA was 4.63 and I had a radical prostatectomy (surgery) on 7/25/03. I still have incontinence and impotence but they are getting better. My doctor says sometimes it takes up to a year or more to come back but as mboneal stated - there are many options to correct these problems. The ultimate decision, however, is up to your husband. It's his body but you seem to be a very caring wife and that is great support for him. With my case - my doctor said that watchful waiting is fine if I was 70 etc but being 54 when diagnosed and having many more years to be around - I decided on the surgery and I am happy I did. They usually base surgery on whether the cancer is still in the prostate only and has not spread (if it has spread then they will not do surgery - usually chemo or hormones etc). 58 years old is still young for this disease and if it is in the prostate and they can get it - you have a much longer life expectancy. A lot will depend on gleason score (how agressive the cancer is). I did a lot of research before I made my decision and spoke with a lot of people about what they went through. If you can get him to come on this website - he can ask a lot of questions and get answers. He should also be talking to his doctors on how he feels - get a second opinion etc if needed. This cancer can be a slow moving cancer but as I've heard - the younger you are - it can also be a faster moving cancer. Although our sex life has changed - I am still around to enjoy it and it is getting better. I hope this helps and we will keep you in our prayers. God bless - Mike.

Hi Cybele,
You tell your husband to e-mail me --I will set him straight. I know where he is at--I was there till I figured out---- I DID'NT WANT TO DIE.
I was 54 , an avid hunter and fisherman and recently retired truck driver.--non smoking and only an occasional drink--My first thought was "THIS SUCKS--I HAVE TAKEN GOOD CARE OF MYSELF AND WHAT GOOD DID IT DO --I HAVE BEEN CHEATED--THIS ISNT FAIR--IM TOO YOUNG TO HAVE CANCER --IM TOO YOUNG TO BE IMPOTENT! WILL MY WIFE STILL LOVE ME IF I CANT PERFORM? I swear , as fast as I muttered those word I decided I was going to beat this thing that was trying to cheat me out many years of being with my lovly bride ( who by the way is a few years older than me ) and children and grand children.( AND THAT BIG FISH WITH MY NAME ON IT)
My Dr.(in Spokane) told me when my PSA went from a norm of 4.0 to 7.0 in 6 months that I neded to think seriously about surgery and we would watch it for a few more months. It went to 10.o and I decided to have it done.
I forgot to mention, I was ready to stop having the PSA done but thank God my wife insisted that I continue--again--she was right--we would have never caught it in time.
My wife went with me to every Dr. visit--she partisipated all the way but the final decision was ultimently MINE.You need to insist that you go with him to EVERY Dr. visit if at all possable--you have a RIGHT TO BE THERE AND KNOW WHATS GOING ON--DONT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWERE--you have a vested intrest in this mans health--he needs you more now than ever even if he dosn't know it or admit it.We are all macho men in one form or another , but this isnt the time for it.
I live in Spokane Wash and we have some pretty good Drs. here and believe me ,I interviewed them all(5 to be exact). A few were too old in my eyes, a few didnt have enough experiance and a few wouldent do the type of opperation I was more comfortable with .
I insisted that they do the "Radical Prostatectomy"That is where they open you from the pubic bone to the navel.I wanted them to be able to see what they were doing.Most of the Dr.s here wanted to do the retro-pubic--its old school and I said NO WAY! That one is where they make a half circle incision between your rectum and scrotum and sort of go up a tunnel--nope--nope--nope--not on this kid!There are some nerves that you dont even want them to scratch let alone cut so now you can see why I chose the R.P.
Sooooooooo by the grace of God and a very dear friend in Scottsdale, Az. he got me into the Mayo Clinic where I met a YOUNG Dr. that has done thousands of these procedures. Yes--We traveled to and from 3 times--first for the interview 2nd for the surgery and 3rd to have the cathiter removed then one more time at the one year mark for a check up. WE got some cheap airline tickets so we could fly down for the surgery and then back to get rid of the cathiter but we drove the first and last visit.I would do it all over again.
As a bonus we got some good TEX-MEX dining in, got to spend time with friends and it was all a tax write off for medical expences.
The Mayo is tops,I know not everyone can go there logisticly but as I told my wife (jokingly)YOU DONT TAKE A PORCHE TO A CHEVY DEALER FOR AN OVERHAUL--Im no Porsche but you know what I mean.
As for the opperation ,it was a snap.The worst part of it was having to drink 8 ounces of water EVERY HOUR for the 10 days that I had the cathiter.HAHA
I did have some incontince for a few weeks but with the light days pads it was a piece of cake. As far as SEX--well I was ready to give it a try after 8 weeks---after all "IM SUPERMAN"---so much for that idea. My Dr. just laughed and told me he gives me a big "E" for effort and a big "A" for attitude , you see--attitude is EVERYTHING !
He did give me a prescription for Viagra and with its help I was on my way by 4 months---not as good as new but NOT BAD concidering.(it can be as long as 2 years but seldom takes that long)
I can tell you that your husband is thinking, will she get tired of me after awhile and stray because I cant make love to her and satisfy her the way I used to.That is NORMAL--just remind him that if hes dead he wont be able to make love to you eighter. You have told him you just want him around forever but thats not what he heard. Its his biggest fear that he wont be MAN ENOUGH any more and believe me I felt the same way--it scared the hell out of me.I had my surgery on January 21,2003 --I am cancer free with a PSA of .00003.I havent needed any help in the bedroom in over 6 months although I will admit on 2 occasions ( I was dead tired ) things just didnt WORK--we waited till the next night and things were A.O.K.--this type of thing is to be expected--kinda like when you girls are shall we say "NOT INTO IT" and the next day is candle and perfume time.
We have tried the Viagra and it gave me a killer headache the next day than I got a sample of Levitra and it just gave me a stuffy congested head feeling and then we got some Cialis --the newest one and it lasts for 3 days and no side effects--I keep a few around for EMERGENCIES but sometimes I try and fool my wife and will take one and ask her 'WAS THAT WITH OR WITHOUT THE PILL"?--She cant tell--so I guess I can say that Im a SUCCESS story---but again as my Dr. said-- its 90% attitude. In worst cases there are other remedys .You and hubby need to read all you can and make an educated choice-the info is there for you.There is no reason to loose him to this
cancer, the success rate is very good and you two should grow old together.
I dont think I have left anything out.Do your homework and find the best Dr. you can--you have to feel confident with him. Dont be afraid to ask them how many of these procedures they have done--you have a right to know--BE INFORMED.
I tried to make this an enjoiable situation for everyone concerned. I teased the Dr. every chance I got--I even told him I wanted a Viagra I.V. when they take me out of the opperating room , when I went back for the last check up we made up party platters of pastrys and such and took one to the hospital floor where I was , the Dr.s staff at the clinic ,the admiting staff and the lab staff--they all got thank you cards for being so good to us and taking such good care of me.
Thanks to them ,Im still around and will be for a long time.They have a motto"Our only intrest is the best intrest of our patients"and they practice it.
Please have your husband e-mail me -I would be honored to help the BOTH of you and if you would like to talk to my wife she would also be there for you.
Morris e-mail address jaskula@cet.com

Morris said:

Hi Cybele,
You tell your husband to e-mail me --I will set him straight. I know where he is at--I was there till I figured out---- I DID'NT WANT TO DIE.
I was 54 , an avid hunter and fisherman and recently retired truck driver.--non smoking and only an occasional drink--My first thought was "THIS SUCKS--I HAVE TAKEN GOOD CARE OF MYSELF AND WHAT GOOD DID IT DO --I HAVE BEEN CHEATED--THIS ISNT FAIR--IM TOO YOUNG TO HAVE CANCER --IM TOO YOUNG TO BE IMPOTENT! WILL MY WIFE STILL LOVE ME IF I CANT PERFORM? I swear , as fast as I muttered those word I decided I was going to beat this thing that was trying to cheat me out many years of being with my lovly bride ( who by the way is a few years older than me ) and children and grand children.( AND THAT BIG FISH WITH MY NAME ON IT)
My Dr.(in Spokane) told me when my PSA went from a norm of 4.0 to 7.0 in 6 months that I neded to think seriously about surgery and we would watch it for a few more months. It went to 10.o and I decided to have it done.
I forgot to mention, I was ready to stop having the PSA done but thank God my wife insisted that I continue--again--she was right--we would have never caught it in time.
My wife went with me to every Dr. visit--she partisipated all the way but the final decision was ultimently MINE.You need to insist that you go with him to EVERY Dr. visit if at all possable--you have a RIGHT TO BE THERE AND KNOW WHATS GOING ON--DONT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWERE--you have a vested intrest in this mans health--he needs you more now than ever even if he dosn't know it or admit it.We are all macho men in one form or another , but this isnt the time for it.
I live in Spokane Wash and we have some pretty good Drs. here and believe me ,I interviewed them all(5 to be exact). A few were too old in my eyes, a few didnt have enough experiance and a few wouldent do the type of opperation I was more comfortable with .
I insisted that they do the "Radical Prostatectomy"That is where they open you from the pubic bone to the navel.I wanted them to be able to see what they were doing.Most of the Dr.s here wanted to do the retro-pubic--its old school and I said NO WAY! That one is where they make a half circle incision between your rectum and scrotum and sort of go up a tunnel--nope--nope--nope--not on this kid!There are some nerves that you dont even want them to scratch let alone cut so now you can see why I chose the R.P.
Sooooooooo by the grace of God and a very dear friend in Scottsdale, Az. he got me into the Mayo Clinic where I met a YOUNG Dr. that has done thousands of these procedures. Yes--We traveled to and from 3 times--first for the interview 2nd for the surgery and 3rd to have the cathiter removed then one more time at the one year mark for a check up. WE got some cheap airline tickets so we could fly down for the surgery and then back to get rid of the cathiter but we drove the first and last visit.I would do it all over again.
As a bonus we got some good TEX-MEX dining in, got to spend time with friends and it was all a tax write off for medical expences.
The Mayo is tops,I know not everyone can go there logisticly but as I told my wife (jokingly)YOU DONT TAKE A PORCHE TO A CHEVY DEALER FOR AN OVERHAUL--Im no Porsche but you know what I mean.
As for the opperation ,it was a snap.The worst part of it was having to drink 8 ounces of water EVERY HOUR for the 10 days that I had the cathiter.HAHA
I did have some incontince for a few weeks but with the light days pads it was a piece of cake. As far as SEX--well I was ready to give it a try after 8 weeks---after all "IM SUPERMAN"---so much for that idea. My Dr. just laughed and told me he gives me a big "E" for effort and a big "A" for attitude , you see--attitude is EVERYTHING !
He did give me a prescription for Viagra and with its help I was on my way by 4 months---not as good as new but NOT BAD concidering.(it can be as long as 2 years but seldom takes that long)
I can tell you that your husband is thinking, will she get tired of me after awhile and stray because I cant make love to her and satisfy her the way I used to.That is NORMAL--just remind him that if hes dead he wont be able to make love to you eighter. You have told him you just want him around forever but thats not what he heard. Its his biggest fear that he wont be MAN ENOUGH any more and believe me I felt the same way--it scared the hell out of me.I had my surgery on January 21,2003 --I am cancer free with a PSA of .00003.I havent needed any help in the bedroom in over 6 months although I will admit on 2 occasions ( I was dead tired ) things just didnt WORK--we waited till the next night and things were A.O.K.--this type of thing is to be expected--kinda like when you girls are shall we say "NOT INTO IT" and the next day is candle and perfume time.
We have tried the Viagra and it gave me a killer headache the next day than I got a sample of Levitra and it just gave me a stuffy congested head feeling and then we got some Cialis --the newest one and it lasts for 3 days and no side effects--I keep a few around for EMERGENCIES but sometimes I try and fool my wife and will take one and ask her 'WAS THAT WITH OR WITHOUT THE PILL"?--She cant tell--so I guess I can say that Im a SUCCESS story---but again as my Dr. said-- its 90% attitude. In worst cases there are other remedys .You and hubby need to read all you can and make an educated choice-the info is there for you.There is no reason to loose him to this
cancer, the success rate is very good and you two should grow old together.
I dont think I have left anything out.Do your homework and find the best Dr. you can--you have to feel confident with him. Dont be afraid to ask them how many of these procedures they have done--you have a right to know--BE INFORMED.
I tried to make this an enjoiable situation for everyone concerned. I teased the Dr. every chance I got--I even told him I wanted a Viagra I.V. when they take me out of the opperating room , when I went back for the last check up we made up party platters of pastrys and such and took one to the hospital floor where I was , the Dr.s staff at the clinic ,the admiting staff and the lab staff--they all got thank you cards for being so good to us and taking such good care of me.
Thanks to them ,Im still around and will be for a long time.They have a motto"Our only intrest is the best intrest of our patients"and they practice it.
Please have your husband e-mail me -I would be honored to help the BOTH of you and if you would like to talk to my wife she would also be there for you.
Morris e-mail address jaskula@cet.com

I am hoping you will be able to help me. My uncle was diagnosed with prostate cancer last year. He is a very stubborn guy never saw doctors in his life. He was having back pain for a long time and than finally had painful urination. He finally went to the doctor and his psa was sky high (Unsure of number). Had other scans and blood tests. He has been the type of patient that doesn't ask any questions just goes along with what the doctors say doesn't second guess them. From what my dad can find out from him we think it is terminal. We think his doctor is holding back info from him. He has only had hormone shots no chemo, surgery or radiation. We find this very odd that his doctor is only doing hormone shots. Now he is on oral morphine and was going today to get the dosage increased. What are your opinions about this? The facts are very shady because he doesn't say much and when he goes he goes to the doctor with his wife who we think is getting alzheimers. I told my dad he needs to go to the doctor with him and ask questions.

I am 54 and just had surgery the end of Janaury 2004, PSA of 19.4, Gleason of 7. I had gone through 4 years of biopsies with negative results, then a saturation biopsy showed positive. My wife and I did a lot of surfing on the net, especially at Mayo Clinic site. We knew it would be surgery before we went to Mayo. We also knew all the possible down sides of the surgery. Having been married 31 years, we both felt that there is more to sex than just an errection. I joked with her that if I would rather be alive in 20 years than have someone comment in 2 or 3 years at my funeral that I could perform like a young man. For us the wohle was worht more than the value of all the parts. Will I still be the same in bed? - I don't know yet, but I'll still be alive to see my kids marry and hold grandkids.
The process needs to be shared and can be hard to talk about. have your husbanc contact some of the peoplewho have replied that have gone through the same thing. I think any of us would be glad to talk to him. And I do agree on the one gentlemans comment on Mayo. It is super with everything in one place and it is totally geared to the patient. Looking forward to hearing from you folks.