i went back

Hi Mariat:

I don't have any info about tekgal but I too wonder about the same thing.

Since I have several long term survivor friends, who never had benefit of these kinds of cyber support sites when they had cancer, I've talked with them about just that. It seems that some just need to put distance between themselves and cancer and eventually dropped out of their local support groups. It's wonderful when people can again feel confident and secure and carry on but I think it would also be good if more would remain active into their good health and share their recovery experiences, as I think the struggle to regain balance after cancer is, in some ways, a bigger hurdle than the dx and treatment.

I came to this site after chemo, if I recall correctly, and was doing radiation at the time. There were several women here then, who were several years out of treatment and doing well and they were SO helpful to me. I became close friends with a few and we remain in touch but they don't visit this site anymore. Some of them come here to "read" from time to time but don't become active again. For me, those women shone light ahead, offered encouragement, hope and just by example, were wonderful. I think that for some women though, it's too painful in a way which I understand.

I had an experience early on which nearly drove me from all the support groups I was involved in, for a while. A lady here had completed treatment and had done so well. She was about 2 years out at the time. Then suddenly, she began having dizzy spells, etc. and the dx was brain mets. The docs felt that it could be removed surgically and so everything was scheduled and I just knew that she was going to do fine. Before her surgery though, she deleted her pages here and I thought that was strange and became very worried about her expectations, outlook etc.. She assured me that she was feeling positive and hopeful.

Next thing is that we get news from Wendy's husband that she died the day after surgery. The surgery went very well and she was doing so well and had spoken to her children on the phone, etc. and then the next a.m., she began to decline and the end came quickly. I was crushed and very disillusioned. I grieved so for her. I almost lost the progress I'd worked so hard to make, at that time, of hope and attitude, etc.. Her husband was the sweetest man. Although he had lost his wife and their children had lost their Mother, he continued to stay in touch and to encourage me! That so impressed further upon me what Wendy was about, how much she'd been cherished and loved by a man with that kind of strength and caring. If he could care about a survivor, warts and all, then couldn't I? She would have been so proud of his strength and actions. Still, I needed time to sort it all through and I didn't visit here for a while. I honestly thought that I may never visit again. I wasn't sure that I had the strength to deal with the loss part of what this site is about. It also made me cry when I thought of the women here who had recurrence or mets, and I didn't feel that I had any words to say anymore. Whereas before Wendy's passing, I'd tried to be supportive and helpful as much as I could, no matter what someone's dx was. It all just seemed too much and in my moments of despair, I found myself thinking: "Why put myself in this position"? Distancing myself seemed a better option then. Well, I found the answers to my questions and found that I still cared very deeply. I wanted and needed to share whatever I could that may possibly help someone else and the courage, strength, support and info which is shared here is something I value highly. I was able to reconcile everything for myself so here I still am. Although I sometimes get busy and don't visit for a while, it's still important to and for me.

I don't have any other answers or ideas about "why" more longer term survivors don't stick around but hope that some other's here will share their thoughts about it.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink