PLEASE TALK TO ME

Hey Petpepsi,
Your message breaks my heart. I can totally sympathise with what you must be going through. Last April I was diagnosed with Lymhoma and although I've "beaten" it I still know the horrible fear that acompanies the word cancer. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to cry, and yell and scream at life for being unfair. But you have to keep one thing in mind. You can't let that fear RULE your life. You talk about preparing for death, but in my opinion there is very little you can do to prepare yourself. Living a life that makes you happy should be your priority now. This time is about you and whatever needs you need to fill to be content.
You say your mother was your greatest supporter. What was it that made her so great? Was it the words she said or was she more of a silent comfort? Once you realise what you miss about her, don't be afraid to tell other people what you need from them. I'm sure they are scared of losing you and aren't sure of what to say to make you feel better. They think that by saying you are strong and will beat this that they are comforting you, or at least pulling you out of some kind of funk. You need to sit them down and calmly and honestly tell them how you feel, and what you need them for. Don't be afraid to tell them what to say.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you can come to some sort of peace with yourself and your situation. I don't know your medical details so I honestly can't say if you'll beat this or not. But I can tell just by reading your message that you ARE strong. A lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Strong doesn't mean that you don't feel pain. Strong is feeling pain and still getting through it. And you've gotten through a lot. Much Love to you.

Hi Pet,
I am sorry to hear you are feeling so down. I lost my dad 3 yrs ago to metastatic colon Ca and was myself diagnosed with colon Ca this past November. I got the biopsy results on my dad's birthday!
I miss him more than ever. My mom is struggling with the middle stages of Alzheimer's disease, and we lose a little more of her as time goes on.
I'm not sure where people get the inner resources to deal with this stuff. Like you, I am not religious, but I am envious of those who draw strength and support from their faith. I hope you can find someone to help fill the void left by your mother's death.
Although I know they are not for everyone, a support group may help; does your onc's office have any ties to one? I have met a woman at chemo who is terminal, on hospice and now actively dying. She continues with some tx's for symptom relief and I am awed by her sense of calm and resolve. I can understand your friends telling you how strong you are; even if that part of you feels absent right now, you sure have gotten through more than your share of tough times.
Sorry to not have more specific help, but I do hope you can reach a new level of internal peace. Judy

Hi Pet:

Where you are and how you're feeling is a very difficult part of life. No two ways about that.

There seems to be an abundance of religious adages for times like these in our lives but none of them make a lot of sense to me either, except that some who are religious can find comfort in them somehow and that's a good thing. I beleive that people must do what it is that works for them. Finding that is no easy task.

I admire your concern for your animals. I'm a major animal lover and activist for their welfare and care. This would be a serious concern for me too, if I should be in your position. Labeling things and concern for your neice/nephew, etc. knowing who you are and what you're about is noble and I admire that. I think it requires a lot of focus and energy to be able to carry those things our for oneself. Not only that but it shows your care and concern for other's.

You've been through so much and yes, people do want and need to see us being "strong", fighting the good fight, etc.. The truth is that you must do things your own way and not get too caught up in "what's expected" of you by other's. It's your life and your thoughts and feelings and your ways of coping are your absolute right. I respect that right above everything else. I understand what you're conveying here.

I've been through breast cancer. And I consider myself a survivor only because it didn't kill me.
I believe that the surgery, chemo and radiation certainly played a role in my still being here.
I also beleive that my will, determination and the ways in which I've chosen to take care of myself, emotionally and physically, played a very large role too. But, again, it is a very individual thing in how we choose to respond to what's happened to us.

In reading and re reading your post here, looking for clues to what I could possibly say to you which may be helpful. The one thing which seems clear is that you're depressed. Who wouldn't be? Depression causes many things and it can also intensify our pain, emotional and physical. Are you currently taking any antidepressants? If not, I'd encourage you to explore that option with your doctor's. It can help. May have to try a few to find one that's best for you but I think it's worth checking out. If you're already taking something which isn't effective, then ask that it be changed.

Like yourself, I wouldn't want to die in a hospital. I've told my husband that if cancer ever returns and I'm in a crisis, near death or seriously deteriorating, DO NOT send me to hospital! For cancer or anything else which is ultimately terminal. I see no point in that. My pragmatic view is that it would just generate a bill for something I could have done at home. I'd much prefer to die at home, in my yard, bed or whatever. I don't want stranger's fussing about doing things to me that I would not want done. I also understand your thoughts on that one.

You didn't say what your current state of health is presently. I assume that you're having regular check ups and if everything is ok, then I say that you've one thing to do. Get on with living. It's fine to prepare for death, but it's not fine to be reasonably healthy and withdrawing from living, because of something which may never happen. Your cancer may never come back. Then what? Maybe you could visit with your niece/nephew and let them get to know you, in the here and now? Share who you are with them while you're living. Maybe interview people who may be interested in your animals, when and if you become too ill to care for them. This way, it's your decision who gets them and you'll also have a good idea of how they'll care for them and can even let them come and visit the animals once in a while, so they would not be complete strangers and they'd learn the bird, dog and cats' little quirks and habits, etc.. I think that would bring such peace of mind about their welfare. At the same time you can relax and just enjoy their company,knowing exactly how they'd be cared for and by whom, if something should happen to you while they're still alive.

You must still be in a serious grieving process after losing your Mother. Obviously the two of you were very close and that's another of life's big wallops. It hurts big time. Seven month's is so recent. Have you checked out bereavement counseling? It can help and you can also do group and meet other's who are just where you are in the grief process. People who understand and with whom you can share your deepest feelings.

You've got a whole lot on your plate at one time and it must feel as if the weight of whole world is on your shoulders right now. You can sort it out and begin to heal though. It may feel a bit like you're digging a tunnel with your bare hands, but you can do it.

I would never try to tell you that your feelings are wrong or that you need to find God, etc.or any other quick fixes. Right now you need to find a sense of direction. That's all. You've been hit with some of life's ugliest blows, in succession, and that's a lot to handle by yourself. Your pain with the different issues seem to have melded into one big fog of hurt and despair. Sort of like a plate of spaghetti. You just need to take one strand out and start to deal with it. Then another one and another one. Along the way, you'll find a little more joy, slowly and steadily. I've had some plates of spaghetti to deal with before and that's my advice to you. If you want to live and find joy, even a little, then you must start by unravelling the tangle of hurt and pain. Know that you won't feel this way forever. Know that you don't have to. Know that your choice of direction is up to you. And know that other's understand and care.

Spend some time with that big, beautiful bird of yours and comtemplate what and how you want your life to be and tell the bird how you feel, while you're at it. Sometimes, just saying it all out loud can help. Your bird, your dog and your cat won't judge you and neither do I.

Finding peace is a wonderful thing and it's well worth the effort. You deserve it, so why not give it a go? I hope some of this may be helpful to you in some way.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink