Heavy Heart

goo5e · December 2003

My wife has been fighting colon cancer for almost 2 years now. She's been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She has had a colostomy and parts of her colon and small intestine removed. She is going through chemo once again with hopes of stopping the cancer spreading. I've watched her go from 155 pounds down to 100 pounds over this past year. She is always tired from the treatments and combined with other side effects deals with pain, and diarrhea. sp? Anyway, I have tried to deal with this as much as possible but I find myself so depressed at times. I wish so much that I could do more for her, but I have no idea what else there is to do. I keep up the house, bills, animals, and anything else she desires or needs. Although no one has said she is beyond help, they aren't saying anything positive either. I would sell everything I own to hear some good news from anyone concerning her. I'm just so depressed at times it's hard to keep up the positive front. I find my heart in my throat and eyes swelling up. Tomorrow she will have a cat scan done on her spine, because they are worried that the cancer is moving there. Does anyone know if that is fatal? I look to the lord for hope and pray she is healed or at least does not suffer much. I dont have many people I can talk to for advice or to just talk. If anyone cares enough I would love to hear from someone who has gone through this or is going through this now.

Unknown · December 2003

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VonnieKai · December 2003

Sorry for what you're going through. I know how tough it is. My husband had surgery for rectal cancer in May 2002. Right before his surgery, he had a stroke that the "medical professionals" didn't diagnose for several days. He had to recover both from the surgery and the stroke at the same time and have chemo on top of that. He did very poorly for about 4 months, then started to get better. From November 2002 to October 2003, he was doing really well. Then we found he had mets to the lungs and he had CPT-11 in October/November. He got really sick on this and has been off of the chemo since 11/21. The bad part is now he is delusional and thinks I am not really his wife. He asks all the time how to get in touch with his wife and last night was wanting to call our lawyer to try and prevent me from divorcing him. Nothing I can say will convince him. He had a CT-Scan on the brain -no mets or new stroke, but the delusion persists and it's driving me crazy. I am working full time and trying to take care of everything and it's exhausting. His back hurts him bad, but I don't know if it's from arthritis or from the spread of cancer - the doctors don't seem to care too much so I'm trying to find him new doctors.
I hope the best for your wife - you're wonderful to take care of her. I don't know where we keep finding the strength, I guess it's because there is nothing else we can do.

rosie43539 · December 2003

Dear Friend,
I know exactly what you are going through. My husband, who is 47 years old has been battling Stage 4 Renal Cell Cancer for the past 18 months. Being a caregiver is a very heart wretching job. The feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. I have watched him go from a very active, hard working man to a man that has to have assistance just walking to the bathroom. He has spread to the lung, liver and brain. But I wouldn't be anywhere but here with him. I too, like you, do not want him to suffer. I have learned through the past 18 months that we just take one day at a time, one test at a time. Pray to God to be merciful and cling to one another. We have been through so many treatments and some have worked for a little while. I was told in the beginning that my husband might live 8 months, but he defied the odds and is still here with me. I cherish each day that God gives us together. I feel your heartache. If you feel the way I do, you probably long for the days before CANCER entered your lives. So do I, but we can't go back. If you need a friend who understands, email me through this site, I will be happy to listen. God be with you and your wife. Remember, one day at a time.
Sincerly Rosie

cocobear · January 2004

VonnieKai said:
Sorry for what you're going through. I know how tough it is. My husband had surgery for rectal cancer in May 2002. Right before his surgery, he had a stroke that the "medical professionals" didn't diagnose for several days. He had to recover both from the surgery and the stroke at the same time and have chemo on top of that. He did very poorly for about 4 months, then started to get better. From November 2002 to October 2003, he was doing really well. Then we found he had mets to the lungs and he had CPT-11 in October/November. He got really sick on this and has been off of the chemo since 11/21. The bad part is now he is delusional and thinks I am not really his wife. He asks all the time how to get in touch with his wife and last night was wanting to call our lawyer to try and prevent me from divorcing him. Nothing I can say will convince him. He had a CT-Scan on the brain -no mets or new stroke, but the delusion persists and it's driving me crazy. I am working full time and trying to take care of everything and it's exhausting. His back hurts him bad, but I don't know if it's from arthritis or from the spread of cancer - the doctors don't seem to care too much so I'm trying to find him new doctors.
I hope the best for your wife - you're wonderful to take care of her. I don't know where we keep finding the strength, I guess it's because there is nothing else we can do.

Hi! I'm brand new to csn and my name is coco bear. My husband pasted away l0/17/03 after a very short (thank god) diagnosis of prostrate/kidney/liver cancer. He was ony with me for 4 wks./3days after his diagnosis. I to worked full time, took care of our 3 dogs, bills, drs. legal stuff, and of course him. Scheduling drs. appts. Hospicse visits,(they were wonderfull). and once in a while remembering to also take care of myself. I can so relate to what you are going thur. I know how hard it is to keep the positive attitude (that all those we know think we should have all the time. Sometimes we are just to tired,worried,scared,lost. I'm still to tired,worried,scared and lost to have much of a positive outlook. My heart is still one huge hole that no one or anything can fill.I commend your commitment to your wife. I believe that our loves know in ways that we cannot understand the love,support,and understanding that is shared during difficult times.
sometimes that understanding is unspoken but it is always with us. It's part of the leagacy that is left to those of us who have to go on. Thanks for listening. Don't hesitate to e-mail back so we can talk some more. Have Faith. Cocobear

Trese · January 2004

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. One of the things that helped me through similar situations (my father, brother and mother-in-law) was to get the "care giving crew" as big as possible. I actively "recruited" people. It's amazing how many people want to help, but they don't even know how to offer ... much less what they could do. Sometimes it doesn't feel right to ask for help, but just remember that you aren't asking for yourself ... you are asking on behalf of your wife and she deserves all the help she can get!!!

I also kept a journal. Writing down my feelings, concerns, etc., seemed to take them off my mind a little bit.

Finally, I figured out that I had enough things that were real to worry about. I stopped even asking myself about all the "what ifs." That just doesn't matter until it happens. Most of the time (honestly) the things that kept me up all night never happened at all.

I will keep you and your family in my heart. If you want to email me, please just click the button. I'm no expert, but at least I've been close to where you are.

Hang in there, take care of yourself, and don't forget that you can still laugh sometimes. It helps a lot!!

Trese

pjenks57 · February 2004

I know exactly what you are feeling. My hubby was diagnosed in Sept 2003. He had 14" of colon removed and the cancer had spread to the liver, one lung and 6 of 14 lymph nodes. The surgeon was very negative with his report but our oncologist has been fairly positive. After three chemo treatments 2 weeks on 1 week off the cancer had shrunk by 50%. I was dancing in the streets but hubby just knew that the dr. was lying. He is so negative that I lost it. I couldn't stop crying and being upset. I am trying to deal with the same things you do. House, pets, our 8 year old daughter, spelling tests, school events, church and life in general. Hubby's Mom died during all of this in Oct 2003 and my Mom died Dec 2003!! what a year... ANYWAY I am sorry to show the negative but I have found some positive things too. LIFE... We try to live one day at a time and it gets tough but we do and we love each other and that seems to help a great deal. We are planning a family vacation in March and we are going come ... or high water. There is no stopping us. We are going to be positive and have a great time and look forward to the next one and the next one and look forward to daughter's graduation and wedding and on and on.. It is HARD but we can prevail and will with the help of God and friends that you will find on this board and others.
Sorry to ramble but you are not alone. Talking is great for caregivers. We don't have the diarrhea or nausea but we feel it just the same. How many times have you wanted this to be you? I know, me too. Hang tough you are not alone. Talk to me anytime..

Heavy Heart

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