what now???

I realize I've been lucky. My husband, Mr. Squeamish, really tried to help me after my surgery and did as much as he could. But he has been there for me in so many other ways I can't count them. I didn't want him going with me to my treatments or doctors appts. But he ran errands, did housework, cooked, and stayed out of my way when I was in a mood. Pete and I have an understanding about our relationship with illness. (his: congestive heart disease, prostate ca, mine: recurrent breast cancer, depression) We are lousy patients and lousy visitors when someone is sick. But we love helping out by doing things that aren't getting done (errands, etc)

I know one woman whose husband left her after she finished treatment. He had planned on leaving her before she found out she had breast cancer. Of course, she didn't know that until afterwards. And, as he put it..."he stayed to give her support." She is now re-married to a really nice guy.

DJC has a good idea..going to a psychologist. The first time I was diagnosed I was under treatment for depression, and having my counselor available for my rants, rages, and tears allowed me to vent without overloading my family and friends. Hang in there...anxiety is very common after treatment ends. You feel like you have been left dangling over a cliff. My taxol treatments just ended and I'm feeling somewhat the same way. Please keep in touch with us.

Kimmi, when is your next appt with the oncologist? It would be a good idea to discuss this with the oncologist. If your appt is not within the next 3 weeks, call and make one.
Hugs,
Denise

Hi Kimmi,

Firstly, being really lucky would be not having cancer at all. I know what you mean though about seeing other's suffer more. Still, this was YOUR
cancer experience. That your experience differs somewhat from that of others does not negate your feelings about it and you should never feel guilty when having a little pity party for yourself. It's part of working through all the emotions and changes...as long as it doesn't become the whole focus, that is.

I think it's a wise decision to seek professional help. It would be great if your husband would go also. If he won't, it's still something to do for YOURSELF. Keep in mind that there are two people in the relationship and if only one sees a problem which needs addressing and the other one does not, (or has their head in the sand about it) then at some point it will likely come down to your having to make some decisions about the terms of the relationship. It has to be worked out though and you're headed in the right direction with that.

It's tough to deal with feeling neglected/abandoned by someone whom we believe loves and cares for us. Particularly during a crisis situation. We expect them to "be there". That alone could be part of the reason for your tension and anxiety? It's not unusual for everything to seem "magnified/intensified" during a difficult emotional time. We're already taxed and the least little thing can seem to drive us over the edge. Something we may not have even given a second thought before our cancer.

Finding a healthy perspective takes time and effort but you WILL find it. Right now it probably feels like you're staring into a plate of spaghetti and wondering where to begin. That psychologist is a great starting point to help unravel and resolve issues. Be patient with yourself and learn to "baby" yourself a bit while you're at it. Do things which you consider fun or intersting. Doesn't matter what it is as long as YOU benefit from it. Those little things really help to relieve stress and tension. Our bodies benefit greatly from "down" time too. Just some quiet, do-nothing time...reading, bubble baths, a bit of daydreaming, a bit of Yoga, where your mind is totally into the movements. Don't be afraid to experiment and find out what works for you. Try to slow down and look forward to beginning counseling, knowing that you have a plan and try feeling confident that it will be beneficial. You WILL get to where you need to be! And you are NOT going crazy! Truth is that when anyone is thrown into new, unchartered and very deep waters, as is generally the case with a cancer dx, then we're likely to feel exhausted, tense, scared, challenged, taxed, angry, confused, put upon, and finally, downright sorry for ourselves. So, let those emotions out. My experience has been that the only way safely out the other side is straight though the middle of it. No denying, no downplaying, no self recriminations, no excuses. It's tough and there's no doubt about it. Think about it. For most of our lives, we've been able to fix most things that required fixing. Even if that included running away from whatever "it" was. Cancer does not fit into any such category. We are faced with something we can neither fix nor run away from. It's that control thing. We cannot control whether we get it and we cannot get guarantees about how effective our treatments will be. How it may change our lives. How it may effect our important relationships. I'd say that's some pretty deep waters to find ourselves trying to navigate alone. We just need to learn to swim differently in order to know that life is still wonderful. Peace is still within us, even if we cannot see it at the moment.

I wish you all good things as you continue your recovery. Know that you are not alone and that so many of us understand and care. I would bet that a year from now you will feel completely different than you're now feeling. You WILL find the new and better you and you will again know contentment and peace.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

Kimmi...You have received some excellent advice here. Guess I just wanted to add my two cents that it is extremely normal for many women to experience depression AFTER treatment is over. It's a fairly well-documented phenomenon. Sounds like your situation is also aggravated by some unresolved issues about the cancer that your husband may be having. I am in the process of perusing a book, Living Beyond Breast Cancer by Marisa C. Weiss. Although she's a doctor, I question some of her medical information, however, I do feel so far that the author does a good job of addressing many of the emotional aspects of breast cancer and also some relationship issues. Good luck to you! I think you are on the right path in seeking advice here and planning to talk to a professional. Lucie B.

kimmi said:

Wow. Just hearing all of your words has made me feel better! I had no idea that what I was feeling was "normal". From time to time, I have thought that I should seek out help. Just that old stubborn attitude of thinking I'm strong enough to do it on my own. My 6 mo. checkup, mammo, sonogram is in a few weeks. I will talk to my Ocn. about it. I am realizing that my biggest issue, I think, is that my usually very supportive husband, hasn't been. It doesn't seem to matter that I have family and friends that are concerned. I want it from him and he just wants things back to normal. If I go to the Dr., he will of course, ask if everything is okay. But, that's it, he really doesn't want to know, I can tell. During the surgeries and treatment, we actually did discuss it (2-3 times) and I explained to him that I don't need him to go with me to my appts., I just need him to ask me about them, ask me if I want him to go. I reassured him that I really didn't need him to go, and can you believe, it didn't change a thing either time it was discussed! He still ignored the whole situation. I know if it were reversed, I would know everything about his diagnosis, etc. He tries so hard in other ways, does little things for me, but it doesn't substitute for asking how I am. I am beginning to hold it against him, being distant, and I know that is wrong. But, I feel like I can't help it! I am soooo mad at him, it makes me feel unloved. Which I know is ridiculous. As I'm writing this, I can see that I do need to talk to someone about it. I just really wish it could be my husband, and that he'd realize his behavior is hurtful. I want everything to be normal, too. It is driving a wedge between us, and I feel guilty about that, too. Because he is trying, in so many other ways, to make me happy. And I am resisting. I just can't understand why he just can't ACT concerned! That's all I want, I have told him I won't bore him with the details. But, he continues to act like nothing ever happened, and when I get an attitude with him, he seems to have no idea what is wrong. It drives me nuts!!! I love my husband dearly and I know he loves me, but I don't feel like he's my best friend anymore. I feel like he's a stranger.
Thanks for all of your advice, some it brought me to tears. Good tears though, to know there are others who understand and don't think I'm crazy. This is a wonderful board. Thanks again and my thoughts and prayers are with all of you. Kim

Hi Kimmi, glad to hear you are feeling better, talking/journaling does help. Sorry you are having such a hard time with hubby, but believe it or not he's probably acting this way because he does love you so much. I picture him as being so afraid of losing you, that he can't face the diagnosis. He's afraid if he acknowledges the cancer, it becomes real, and if it's real there's a possibility you could die. Bottom line is he cannot handle that thought. At least that's my opinion. Now before I get bashed I'm not defending him, but at the same time I would not want to condemn the man for his fears. We all 'handle' things differently. It's unfortunate that where you two, I'm guessing, usually complement each others needs, are at opposite ends of the spectrum with this situation. You need him to be interested in you and your condition. Perfectly normal expectation, but he can't meet it out of fear. At least he is supporting you in other ways.
My marriage ended in divorce. When I was at my sickest, bald, depressed and physically incapacitated from chemo, I wanted to die. My ex came into the bedroom, handed me a spoon and some snack pack of applesauce (that I was to weak to open), told me 'No, you can't die, you just can't die. I can't stand the thought of you dying.' He said this as he was walking down the hall, in sobs, leaving me alone in bed. He found his way to escape the reality that I could die in the form of drugs. He just could not handle the thought of me dying. Of course we know the reality of it all is any day could be our last, cancer or not. You know I forgave my ex for everything, the emotional weakness, escaping into drugs, falling apart to the point he couldn't work, etc, etc, etc. I just can't forget that d*mn applesauce. He could have at least opened the applesauce for me.
God bless, hope you get this worked out for the best ((((HUGS)))) hummingbyrd

jake10 said:

I felt just like all of you above. In hind site I have learned a few things.
During diagnosis, surgery, treatment, recouperation ect.... you are so busy, friends and family are solicitice and caring, tears are not unexpected or held back. But once we are done with treatment and start to get on with the rest of our lives, we suddenly have time to think about the future. To realize what we have gone through, to open our minds to the possiblilty that we could die of this thing. Add to that, our bodies have been mutilated. Even with the best plastic surgery we still are much different than before being diagnosised. Want More? Some of us are bald, meds make us fatter, our skin is different and our feet hurt. Some of us can't feel our hands. Some of us in our 30's are now in the bodies of middle aged women. Our sex lives are different to say the least. Those of us without children wonder if it's possible.
Depressed? What do we have to be depressed about. Beth

Thank yu for your straight-forward saying-it-like-it-is Beth. Just found this website today. I'm glad. I have been needing a place to listen, and bring stuff up with fellow adventurers.
I was very up and ready for the battle during all of the treatments. Friends were around and available to talk. Now, 20 months later, all of a sudden,I feel like I'm walking in glue. Checked everything out in my labs. They are clear. So, I guess from what I've read tonight that a little depression is normal? I'm alone and don't want to wear out my friends with all of my thoughts and feelings. I think it all scares them really. They want me to be ok now. Get back to normal. I do too. But, normal has changed. And I don't feel at home here, in this new "normal" yet. Fear and what-ifs seem to be lurking when it gets quiet at night. How do you deal with that?
Emee