lots of depression

Been there, done that. Not to try and top you KC, but for every story there is always someone who has it worse.
My Gran always said, "I felt sorry for the man with no shoes, then I met a man with no feet."
I'm going to give you my story in a nut shell, then the address of a web site that just might help you.
At 38 I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. Nine months later breast cancer. I lost not only my job, but also my career as a Physician Assistant. My husband was a drug addict who held himself together as long as I was well. I almost died from the second dose of chemo, spouse wouldn't work, went back on crack. Spent what money he could get his hands on. I was too weak to cook for myself and kids. Had to put house up for sale, filed for divorce, took kids out of private school and moved in with mom and stepdad.
That was the darkest time of my entire life, but I got through it, by the grace of God.
AND YOU CAN TOO!
Go to www.urcctc.com
I pray God's blessings over you. hummingbyrd

By the way, my story's not the worst. At least I had a mom and stepdad, with a house to go too.
Now, praise God, I'm 42, single with 2 handsome boys! God provided, we got to keep our house, I sold it this year and now own a 44 acre farm at the end of a black top road with a spring fed creek running through it. I'm battling a bone metastases right now, but hey what's life without a little trial and tribulation? Keeps you close to God, and we all know......
If He brings you to it,
He will see you through it.
God bless, hummb.

catmom said:

Hi. Please don't feel bad about being depressed. I get very depressed also. You see, everything was fine until Oct. 2002. I felt a lump and was daignosed at stage four, mets to bone. Mammo was "fine" four months earlier. I am on taxotere and herceptin and zometa for "the rest of my life." I am very jealous of you if you are not a stage four. I cannot even feel sorry for you. You are a lucky one. I am not. I would love to be even a stage three. I pray every day just to live another seven or eight years to raise my precious daughter. I hope I can, but I don't think so. I will tell you, however, that the chemo in itself does cause depression, as do the hormonal changes the chemo throws your body into suddenly. If you are taking decadron, which is a steroid, (dexamethasone) that can also make you have terrible mood swings. I tend to snap peoples' heads off for the slightest thing that wouldn't even bother me before, and cry over the slightest thing. Don't worry about being depressed. It will pass. At least YOU have a FUTURE to look forward to. I do not, evidently. Maybe that will help you gain some perspective, so you can at least get your butt up out of the bed. I do even when I don't want to. There is really no point for me to do anything at all in this life with my diagnosis. I don't care about shopping, or remodeling the house (the next wife will probably re-do it her way anyway!) or anything else but being there for my daughter. I want to show her the world, if I can. I take anti-depressants and do as much stuff as I can, even if I cry in a nice restaurant when I am dressed up, or suddenly turn into a blithering idiot at work. I really don't give a crap what people think. Screw them. I still force myself to GET OUT THERE. It is the only way to maintain some sort of sanity. Living with this death sentence is much worse than death itself, I am sure. I am 44 and have an 11 year old. By the way, I am a former "beauty" whose breasts were "legendary" in my "good" years. I now have one good "tit" and only a tremendous scar on the other side. I am shaped like a toad from weight gain from meds who is now waiting for my inevitable, painful, early death. I am depressed, frightened, bald, angry and bitter. Do I have "struggles" You betcha. Please get up.

Hey catmom......looks like you could use a little
www.urcctc.com
cause I forgot to mention.....I have been a STAGE FOUR for 2 1/2 years now. Praise God! Only by his grace.....oh, but wait, staging doesn't matter because it's only by his grace that anyone takes their next breath!
I too take herceptin and zometa for "the rest of my life."
My dear, you have as much of a future as anyone else, because.....no one is promised anything more than today. You sound pretty fiesty for someone living with a death sentence, which I noticed is going on a year plus now! Hang in there woman, YOU ARE LIVING, I'm just not sure you realize it!
Please don't take my response offensively, I don't mean to be rude. I do want to encourage you to take note, you are still alive and there is always hope! May God bless you with a peace that surpasses all understanding. If you need to talk I'm here for you. hummingbyrd

I think I was born depressed. When I turned 50 I decided the only way my second childhood would be better than the first was to deal with those horrors and change who I am. True I continue taking prozac, but before 50 I kept going through depressive cycles. In the last 10 years I have been diagnosed with breast cancer three times. My 35 year old son was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I've lost two jobs I really liked and think the last 10 years have been the best years of my life. I've taken a road trip across the US. I returned to art class. I did stand up comedy. Some may say I'm in denial and think I'm crazy, but each day I find something beautiful about that day. I have neuropathies in my hands from Taxol. I have edema and pain in my ankles from Arimidex. Walking is exhausting. I may go off the drug, so the quality of my life can improve. Some say that is foolish because it may shorten my life. But I can also get killed in an auto accident. I find I try to laugh at all that is happening to me. I used to be fat and sassy. Now I'm flat and sassy. For those of us from the fifties, they'll know what I'm saying when I say I look like Baby Huey. My face is swollen from drugs. I spent most of this year bald and loved it. Hey guys do it and now I know why. It's extremely efficient and during the summer, quite cool. I tell people that being flat also has advantages...I don't have to wear sweatcatchers (bras). If I felt tired or lazy I could leave work early..(was not great on the paychecks) but mentally it was wonderful. I've laid a rock patio area, with plans to do more. I do as much as I can, when I can. I don't sweat the housework. If I die...my kids will get to clean up the junk I left behind. I'd rather just enjoy my kids, my husband, my friends, and the life I have. If others wish to pray for me, it is alright. I find my strength inside me. And the beauty of each day allows me another chance to appreciate all those things I love.

catmom said:

Hi. Please don't feel bad about being depressed. I get very depressed also. You see, everything was fine until Oct. 2002. I felt a lump and was daignosed at stage four, mets to bone. Mammo was "fine" four months earlier. I am on taxotere and herceptin and zometa for "the rest of my life." I am very jealous of you if you are not a stage four. I cannot even feel sorry for you. You are a lucky one. I am not. I would love to be even a stage three. I pray every day just to live another seven or eight years to raise my precious daughter. I hope I can, but I don't think so. I will tell you, however, that the chemo in itself does cause depression, as do the hormonal changes the chemo throws your body into suddenly. If you are taking decadron, which is a steroid, (dexamethasone) that can also make you have terrible mood swings. I tend to snap peoples' heads off for the slightest thing that wouldn't even bother me before, and cry over the slightest thing. Don't worry about being depressed. It will pass. At least YOU have a FUTURE to look forward to. I do not, evidently. Maybe that will help you gain some perspective, so you can at least get your butt up out of the bed. I do even when I don't want to. There is really no point for me to do anything at all in this life with my diagnosis. I don't care about shopping, or remodeling the house (the next wife will probably re-do it her way anyway!) or anything else but being there for my daughter. I want to show her the world, if I can. I take anti-depressants and do as much stuff as I can, even if I cry in a nice restaurant when I am dressed up, or suddenly turn into a blithering idiot at work. I really don't give a crap what people think. Screw them. I still force myself to GET OUT THERE. It is the only way to maintain some sort of sanity. Living with this death sentence is much worse than death itself, I am sure. I am 44 and have an 11 year old. By the way, I am a former "beauty" whose breasts were "legendary" in my "good" years. I now have one good "tit" and only a tremendous scar on the other side. I am shaped like a toad from weight gain from meds who is now waiting for my inevitable, painful, early death. I am depressed, frightened, bald, angry and bitter. Do I have "struggles" You betcha. Please get up.

I don't think belittleing anothers pain can help any of us deal with our own. Our own may not be the worst case but it is happening to us. This woman is hurting and it does not sound like the antidepressants are working. I suggest she seek a professional councelor and try to get through this. As for you, I am horrified at your pain and anger. I feel your dispair. Please get a councelor or a support group or something. You may well live to be 90 or you could die tomorrow. The question that would haunt me is what am I leaving as a legacy. When my daughter closes her eyes and thinks of me years after my death, I want her to feel my laughter and my hugs, not my anger and tears. She knows you are angry now show her courage. Fight! You are in my prayers. Beth

Hi Kittycats - Can you stand one more reply. I too had a awful time at work. I got fired during my chemo, my husband got laid off, the mortgage almost got ripped out from under us. Things happen in everyone's lifes. But you add cancer, chemo, scared to death and etc into the picture and the hard everyday stuff becomes unmanageable. We all have had our trials, and at the time we see no end to them. But it will end kitty, and you will see the light again. There is good in people. I had some awesome people come out of the woodwork to help me. People I never thought of as true friends. Hang in there, we are stronger then we think we are. I too take anti depressants. Some days they don't work to well. But I have a 10 year old and 13 year old to keep going, so they in turn keep me going. Please unload on us anytime. We know the feeling and want to help. Love Cammie

hillbillycat said:

To all those who have responded,I want to say thanks.At first I was very hurt and amazed since I thought this was a site for just expressing ones feelings ,no matter what level those feelings are at.Just a place to talk amongst others who have been there or are going through treatment. So , I wondered if I should quit this site but I won`t.There really are people out there who care.I know it was very trivial to talk about hair or depression when I should count my blessings but every day ,whether it is for my sister or at work ,I put on a smiling face and try to cheer others up.( I work with home health)Sometimes it feels good to have someone cheer me up,to allow myself to be a baby.I will try to make sure my meds.are working and today was a better day.Thanks again to everyone,and to cammie>I always worry about taking off work and my insurance would not pay for my chemo or radiation.My treatment was delayed because the dr. didn`t want me to have a heart attack over the bills.But so far everything has worked out ( it was just another worry), ......

Hey KC, by all means do not quit the site. This is a safe place to unload, and nothing is trivial, not if it's affecting you. I had major depression over my hair, it was the one thing, besides chemo, that made me feel...know...hello, slap me in the face everytime I looked in the mirror, reminder that I had cancer. I felt guilty at first because I thought I was being vain, and part of me was, but no matter, point is I still hurt.
Pain, depression, anxiety can really drag you down and make you worse, and those feelings are real no matter what the cause. The important thing is you are looking for help and you want to do something to feel better, right?
That's the first step in the right direction! There's not a thing wrong with needing or wanting others to cheer us up, we all need that at some point in time. Sometimes we need to just cry on someone else's shoulder.
Get it all out girlfriend, but remember, if things don't get better for 1-2 weeks (like good days in with the bad) that may be an indication for the doctor to adjust, change or add meds. Also, ask MD for sample meds, usually they have tons of freebies in a closet...AND...a lot of pharmaceutical companies have programs where they supply you meds through the mail at a discount rate. Ask your doc, if he doesn't know then call the company that makes your medication. They all have 1-800 #'s then ask for patient assistance.
Ohhhh......duh huh to me! Typed all this in and it just hit me, you're in home health...you know this stuff! Ding! my light went off in my brain! LOL OH!....gotta love the effects of chemo!

Anyway, point is we love you. We are all in this battle together and it's a tough one. I can't say my battle is one bit harder than anyone else here. What's a mountain for one, may be a mole hill for another, so don't think your problems are trivial! My goal is to offer you hope, for me, my hope, my ability to get through the day, comes from my faith in God. Without God I am nothing, I haven't accomplished anything spectacular, but by his grace I am a survivor. Thank you Lord, and God, please bless KC with peace, hope and happiness!
(((HUGS))) hummingbyrd

hillbillycat said:

To Hummingbird: That was so sweet what you wrote.I want so much to have an attitude like yours. I have a hard time relating to God. Somehow I have always felt betrayed by God and This is silly to say but I sometimes think that God picks the people he likes and lets the others have a hard time.My mom always tells me that God really loves me.For some unknown reason I can`t see it.All my life I have looked to God to make everything better.Like a magician.( I remember when I was little we had to cross a large bridge. I was so worried tha it would break while we drove over it. I would emagine it breaking and angels carrying me and my family to safety. That is a childs thinking but now I realize it doesn`t work that way.
Anyway,I could talk and talk...even just on the subject of hair. I also felt guilty....As far as meds. and moods I feel like a roller coaster.But maybe I havent give them enough time to work ,...Kitty

Dear Kittycat

I am 40. Last Feb I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am a single mom of a 14-year-old daughter. I finished chemo in August and I am recuperating from a bi-lateral mastectomy at this time.

Much worse than the cancer itself is the belief that God doesn't love you. He does - He really, really does. Sometimes it's the low times in our life that bring us closer to Him. Life is not fair - it has never been fair. Think for a moment how Jesus must have felt as he was nailed to a cross and left for dead. All he wanted to do is share the love of his father with them. In your e-mail your said that you believe God picks his favorites and lets others have a hard time. Remember, He allowed his only son to die for the sins of others (me and you). His son was his favorite.

Please allow God to put his arms around you and carry you through this difficult time in your life. (Just like your dream!!) Don't focus on the cancer, the bills, and the depression. Just focus on the fact that God loves you and he may want to use you and your experience to help others. Stay busy - and think positive thoughts.

I really feel your pain and I will pray for you. I promise you that if you will allow his love to consume you, you will feel so much better. It sounds as if you you have an inability to trust. Remember, all people cannot be trusted (your ex-husband for example) but God will never leave your side and He loves you more than you can ever imagine. He's the one thing you can depend on and trust in.

Start reading - there's alot of good books out there - First, read a passage from the Bible each day - as you read, open your mind, heart and spirit and allow the words to comfort you and fill you. Just try it for a month and you'll see. Another book that may help heal your heart is Dave Pelzer's books. Once you start reading, you cannot stop. Start with "A Child Called It" ..... It has nothing to do with cancer. It's more about triumphing over diversity. Anyway, I think you would enjoy it.

Take care sweet girl! I'll just bet that you are beautiful without your hair. Look past the hair and into the heart. I had long, thick blonde hair - it's short, straggly and thin - but it's growing back and yours will too. It will pass!!

Cindy

Hi:

My heart goes out to you. You have an awful lot to cope with and it seems that much of it has come to you in rapid succession. It's no mystery that you're feeling overwhelmed.

Going through a divorce is certainly up there on the list of things which can bring on depression.
However, being now happily married should be a huge plus, assuming that your husband is supportive and there for you.

Going through chemo is no picnic, but it's certainly tolerable. So many of us have been through it and we are here to share with you. We understand most of the perils, side effects and how it feels.

I can tell you that how you feel now is not how you will feel 6 months from now. Or a year from now. As difficult as it is right now, know that the one thing you CAN control is how you respond to whatever is happening around you or to you.
Many of us discovered after our dx's, that we have far more strength and resourcefulness than we'd ever imagined. Sometimes we need to calm our spirits and listen to our inner voices, minus some of the static of worries and fears.
We can decide what it is we want and what it is we're going to do and how we're going to live the rest of our lives. The rest of our lives begins now. Always has and always will. We can find our strengths and get about applying them. We will experience trial and error along the way but once we can accept all that we are not happy about, strangely enough, it is then that we can find some of our most creative ways of dealing with it. Stop stressing and start living.

Religious faith can play whatever role in your journey that you want/need or none at all. It's different for everyone. Many people find solace in religious rituals during trying times in life. Whether you choose to chant with the Buddhists, go to Christian prayer meetings, to Synagogue, to visit a Native American Shaman, or just go to the spa for the day, if it fills you up and brightens your light, then it is a wondrous thing to do.

If you have not tried sitting quietly and envisioning your future (whatever you want it to be)then you are missing some wonderful insight. If we can see it, then we CAN do it. Imagine yourself finished with treatment, your hair is regrowing and your 18 year old is talking to you. Imagine that your life is just where you want it to be. Imagine that you've made some wonderful new discoveries during your bc journey, which will help you to make whatever changes you wanted to make...

The point is that you need to find ways to relax your mind and stop stressing. It's exhausting you, physically and mentally. Try something new. Read a good book. If you're not into reading, get some books on tape or CD. Whatever appeals to you. Take a nice luxurious bath. Go out to dinner with a good friend. Play your favorite music often. Put your feet up and take a nice rest, every single day. Your body needs it! If you enjoy wearing make up, then try some new colors and styles. If you enjoy cooking, then challenge yourself to experimenting with some new recipes. Have ice cream if you like it!!!

If your job is too much, then take a leave, if you have that option. Otherwise, perhaps you could work fewer hours until you're finished treatment?

Your 18 year old who isn't talking to you: Depending upon the relationship, perhaps you could simply ask for help with something (trying one of those new recipes or getting the ingredients or picking up a book for you or whatever)...no strings attached and no particular plans. Just see what developes from the asking of a favor. You never know till you try.

Hope you will begin to feel less depressed soon. Cancer and it's treatment is a hard turn for anyone but you CAN do this and believe it or not, you can emerge even better than before. Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself and BELEIVE in yourself. For some of us women, being kind to ourselves is a completely new concept, because we're so accustomed to helping others that we often forget ourselves in the process.
Now is a good time to discover the joy (and challenge)of taking good care of you, inside and out.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink