Respite before surgery and update

Afternoon Friends:

Well, this was a tough week and I thank all of you for you messages and prayers. I got back last night from NYC, from my brother's house. They sent me home to be with Jack and to get some details taken care of before surgery on the 24th.

Here is what happened and it seemed like I wasn't even really there, stress for sure. Thankfully my sis went with me and she is so calm, intelligent, gentle and guided me so carefully. She took the notes, had the tape recorder and asked most of the questions as I turned stupid and confused. She has even scheduled my flights and the surgery etc. She has coordinated when the rest of the family is coming to NYC and when I will fly back up. That will be on Monday the 20th to give me Tuesday to just be before the onslaught.

OK, met with wonderful Dr. Hiram S. Cody, the pioneer of sentinal node bx. Very organized, very kind and yet didn't sugar coat a thing. His staff was beyond professional and kind as well.

Here is what he said. Still recommends a lumpectomy. Agrees with the surgeon from this little southern town that my underarm nodes feel clinically negative and I figure he's felt thousands of them, right? So he looks at the path and my old films and asks why the surgeon down here did not tell me to get a mammo right away. Beats me, so he walks himself right over to the head radiologist and gets me in immediately. You see the tumor is in the right breast but the mammo from 2002 showed some calcifications in the left breast (which nobody said boo about and that makes me angry). He also said that cancer has been in there for probably 5 years and that floored me completely! I guess that is the norm. Anyway, the mammo deal was where I began to lose it in a big way. Normally, I'd go in and be out and that was it. Oh no, not at Sloan. I thought they were torturing me by bringing me back in I think 4 or 5 times for more and different views. That's when my anger kicked in and believe me I'm not an angry or violent person at all. But I wanted to either beat my head against the wall or kick the heck out of somebody or something. I was in the mammo area for 3 hours. Now, I did meet three of his other patients and they all sang his praises, telling me I was so lucky to have him and that he was one of the very best in the world. That still did not get rid of my anger. Mammo's have always hurt me terribly since I am so cystic.

Finally we get to go back and see the doc. After I spoke with the radiologist. Some good news and some bad news. Cody wants to do the lump but also bx the calcifications in the left breast at the same time. As well there are some calcifications above and below the tumor in the right. He also wants to do chemo, he thinks. He looked at my veins and they are tiny so he will put in a port in my chest. That will be better for chemo but still scary. He will also recommend radiation after the chemo. This was all becoming too much for me but my sis kept her cool and kept me from falling over.

So at Sloan it's like a three day affair. On Wednesday I will go and have a physical and the usual preop work, chest xray, bloodwork and ekg. Let us pray all of that is ok. The we go back on Thursday and have the "lympatic marking"? Whatever that is as I haven't had the nerve to read about it yet. They Friday is surgery but first I have to go back to mammo for them to place three WIRES, ick. No lidocaine and this is what is worrying me. He wants on wire in the left to get to the calcifications and two in the right above and below the tumor. I understand why but I will have just ovulated and my breasts will be so sore at that time. Too bad they can't just knock you out for that part too.

So I'm sure some of you have had that and can you tell me what it is like? I really need to know.

Then I will be taken to surgery. I have to call my jaw surgeon about intubation and Dr. Cody is so interested in my jaw situation and all of those surgeries that he actually wrote down the web site of the titanium joint people and is going to research it.

Oh yes, I will also meet with the anesth. on Wednesday as well. They have a new way to intubate via the mouth that does not go all the way down into your lungs so that is why I have to call my jaw surgeon to see if he thinks that is a viable option.

We got home from that appt and it was all just too much info. I went from just angry to numb to crying but I got it out.

Dr. Cody is going to be away so that is why we are waiting until the 24th. I could have had it sooner with one of his partners but chose him.

Jack will be flying up late the night before surgery. Thank God! My parents are coming in on Tuesday. It will be a houseful of love and worry and support.

They really leave no stone unturned and one of the women I met told me that chemo was good, to zap it all.

I wonder a lot of things. If this has been in there for 5 years well many things make sense. Like when my marriage fell apart I lost about 15 pounds and never put it back on. I admit a lot of that had to do with three jaw surgeries in less than two years. As well as the amount of stress I have been under for what seems like forever. Oh well, I can't try to figure it all out.

He did say the surgery would be for about an hour and I may get to go home that night. Pretty cool.

So here is another question. When do you get all of the results? How long does it take? I know he will do the sentinal node while I am out in order to see if it spread and if he has to do an axillary dissection. One can only pray.

I figure it this way. In my head one is simply going to get it or not. I feel strongly that stress can bring it on and I also feel and always have that one can have cancer cells floating around in your body from time to time but your immune system takes care of it. That's just me.

Dr. Cody told me he will see me about 10 days postop before I can go home and then the chemo etc will be coordinated from Sloan to this place. At least everything here is close to home. Also there are two types of chemo and one I will lose my hair and one I may not. I guess I just have to cross that bridge and if.

Anyway, I am finally calming down. It was a very long trip back down here but I am home with Jack and this weekend is not about cancer. It is about us. I get about 9 or 10 days to be here.

Oh and I admit to being a smoker and have been for a very long time. Always wanting to quit but after the last three years of stress the docs actually told me it wasn't time. Dr. Cody feels it is time so I am trying with the patches. I mean sure I could go out and buy a bunch knowing full well there is no way I can or would smoke while going through chemo and radiation. So at the worst stress time in my life I am quitting. I find that ironic somehow. Also, I was never a drinker, ever but after my husband had his little affair and I kicked him out and filed I learned that I like JD here and there. I don't think it's a good idea to drink either. That won't be a problem at all to stop as I can do without and have. Oh and I found out it helped with the chronic jaw pain but oh well. Time to get healthy as I can before the real work begins.

Has anybody gone to Sloan? If so what did you think? Has anybody had this kind of surgery and if so can you tell me how you felt after? I figure if I can get through 10 jaw surgeries that lasted up to 10 hours long certainly I can do this. Maybe it'll be a cakewalk in recovery as opposed to having a heck of a time waking up before.

Also, is it normal to now feel that every ache and pain is cancer? I guess that is being paranoid.

I went to bed late last night and actually slept in until about 1pm today! Wow, must have been very tired.

I will end this now as that was my adventure but for one more thing and this was weird, like an angel. I was sitting at the Atlanta airport waiting endlessly for the plane to come home. There were so many business men on their way home too. I begin to talk to one of them who had just come back from Pgh (my hometown). He was there for a medical conference. Turns out he is a pathologist right here in this southern town where I now reside. We talked a bit and his partner did my initial path! He also gave me some names of good chemo and radiation people right here and also told me I was in very good hands and the docs down here will follow Sloan's recommedations to the "T". Wow, I will never forget him. Oh and he also said that if Dr. Cody is still saying he thinks it's a stage one still then that is very very good and try not to worry so much and don't be so hard on myself.... What a nice man.

Little angels all around.

Thanks for reading as I continue to read your stories.

Hugs,
Susan