Husband Missing In Action

frog08 · September 2003

My husband seemed to go into shock when we found I had breast cancer. He seemed to worry more about how my diagnosis was affecting him than me or our children. He stayed out of work for a couple of weeks going to therapists and doctors because he said he just couldn't handle things. A couple of years ago, he dropped the bomb that he had gotten us into so much credit card and loan debt that I don't if we will ever see the light of day. He said between the guilt over that and the cancer he just couldn't handle things. He grudgingly went back to work last week. He works one full time and one couple hour job which he started after the debt deal. However, he is missing in action with me and my children. He leaves in silence in the mornings. He comes in in the evenings, fixes a plate of supper and goes upstairs to his den not to be heard from again. No how are you, how are the kids, do they have homework. No nothing. It really hurts, because I feel like I'm going through this by myself. The kids really need him to be strong for them right now, but he seems to be so concerned about himself that he sees nothing else. It's all about how hard he's working, how bad he feels, how much help he needs. Has anyone else experienced this? Any suggestions??
Thanks, Linda

mc2001 · September 2003

Hi Linda!
My name is Michael. I am a leukemia survivor and have been a member at this CSN website for a few months, now. I have really enjoyed meeting the wonderful and caring people here. They have only made my life richer!! Right now, I can only suggest to you that if you are not too uncomfortable, please join the chat room. There are so many great and caring members that want to help you. I can promise you that you will find a friend that has been or is currently in the same situation. You are right, it does feel like we are going through this alone...... until we open up to others and talk about whats happening. Then we realize we are not alone. And it is very good for the soul to talk about this terrible time. But we have to be ready to talk about it. It is at our own time. Not the timing of others. I pray that things get better at home.
-Michael

Unknown · September 2003

Any chance you could get both of you into a support group? something you do together to make things better? If he's into therapists, maybe you could schedule one together?
Sounds rough for you, I hope you can find some solution. I've had a few ups and downs and know that it does effect the family. I hope you can find some improvement, if not from him seek out support on your own from those you can count on. Good Luck!

miraclemom · September 2003

Frog-been there and done that with my soon to be ex hubby.I hope yours doesnt end up like my marriage did but I know how alone you and your children must feel.If he will go to counseling that is the first step and if not you and the kids should go-it will help.If you need any support please get into the chat room here or feel free to e-mail me anytime would love to hear from you.Mrclmm1@aol.com-my name is Lori.Also just remember you and your children are not alone inthis and help is only a e-mail away.Takecare

ryley · September 2003

I'm so glad you left this message here, because you are definitely not alone. With my husband he seemed to be supportive during most of my treatment, but toward the end let me know how much he didn't want to be around me. We are still together, but more like roommates with kids (actually I had more fun with my roommates before marriage!). I, too thought I was alone and didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it. So I started telling my doctors and nurses and people here on this board (Miraclemom is an angel sent from God), and found out this isn't so rare. My doctor was very supportive and gave me a referral to a great counselor; social worker; etc. The people here are a great source of information, and with information you gain back some control.

It sucks you don't have the support you need from your husband, but it sounds like you won't get that from him, so find it somewhere else. You shouldn't go through this alone.

Please email me if you want to, I would love to talk to you. Ryley2059@hotmail.com

Be strong,
Ryley

cammie · September 2003

God Bless you Linda. I can't tell you that my husband has not been supportive. He has been a very good friend and supportive lover throughout. He is quite at times. I think he trys so hard that it is tough to show that he has had a bad day etc. Sometimes with all we are going through people have a hard time making it worse by talking about their problems. They feel we a fragile and can't handle anymore. In some ways they are right, but we still need to hear what important issues have come up. He may be so overwhelmed with the finances etc., that he doesn't want to talk with you and bother you more with it. Just a guess. Your not alone sweetie. We are here for you. E-mail me anytime. Cammied@adelphia.net Cammie

rizzo15 · September 2003

frog08. I don't know if this will help, but sometimes I think people need to be told exactly what you want them to do. I told my husband that he was getting "instant" dinners or takeout food twice a week because I didn't have time to ride my bike for exercise and recovery if this didn't happen. Kind of like, this is my expectation for you...that you aren't going to be disappointed when this happens. If your husband can't/won't talk to you about treatment and what you are going through, maybe he could be asked to do specific things, like asking about homework and helping with homework twice a week (or more!), or setting specific times twice a week that he takes the kids somewhere by himself...so you can get some rest and the house to yourself. Set a few goals...may not reach half of them...but half may be enough.

bunnie · September 2003

hi sorry to hear that your husband isnt being supportive.I know this is probally not what you want to hear but have you concedered going too group councleing for people who are dealing with this sort of thing.Cancer is a big shock for everyone so going too a group counciling maybe through the american cancer soicty might help all of you.good luck and keep us posted.Amy

rizzo15 · September 2003

frog08. I was thinking about your comments about your husband and he isn't the only one with this reaction. Ever since my diagnosis, my father has been the one to whine and complain about all his problems. All of a sudden having arthritis and doing a root canal on his tooth have become overwhelming problems. And suddenly he has decided he might have to move to an assisted living center because he doesn't have any energy. Never mind that he just got back from a big amusement park with my sister and didn't get tired spending 10+ hours on his feet going to all the attractions. He wonders why I don't call him very often. It is mainly because, when asked, I talk about all how well my treatment is going. All he wants to talk about are all the bad things that are happening to him. I almost feel like saying, "This is not a competition over who is suffering the most--and if it is, haven't you noticed that I'm not playing that game?" I realize that you have to talk to your husband as he lives in the same house...but at least you'll know that you're not alone.

Husband Missing In Action

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