Finding the creativity

Hi! I was diagnosed in December of 2002. I had my first chemo 2 days after Christmas and am now half way through radiation. My only creativity comes from my scrapbooking (not quite the same as writing a song, I know!). Anyway, I have been unable to scrapbook. The next pictures due to be scrapped were from Christmas and I just couldn't make myself do it. It was just such an unhappy time for me and my family that I wasn't sure I wanted to put it on page to be remembered. So I skipped Christmas and went on to Easter. Now, the muse has returned and I have found that each picture I put on the page is a treasure and the journaling I do about the pictures is more honest and heartfelt. I was able to go back, scrap the pictures from Christmas and journal about what a sucky holiday it was last year.

Maybe if you didn't look at the songs you're writing as "getting stuck" but as your way of getting those feelings of sadness, loss, anger, whatever, out. Just go with the process, write the sad songs til you can't write anymore. Everytime I hear "Tears in Heaven", I think about what led Eric Clapton to write it and what a cathartic experience it must have been to write it and to sing about it.

I guess what all this rambling is TRYING to say is that you need to work through this whole horrible experience in whatever way your grief demands. It's not getting stuck....it's moving on! Getting stuck would be not writing at all.

Blessings,
Karen

Forgot to mention...fear hit me about 2 days ago..after last chemo treatment. Today, I am going to a support group. And if needed, I will seek more professional help. Sometimes, we need the wisdom to seek help .
Sue

I found that writing about my experience in a journal keeps me grounded. It is like talking to a old friend. When I feel I have talked my family and friends ears off about how I am doing, I go to my journal and let it out there. In a way your song writing is the same. You need to tell how you feel. I am sure once you have expressed your feelings then you can move on to other song writing. I am so very sorry about your sister and mom. I am the first in my family to have BC, so for you to have two family members die of BC, it must be so hard. What you have faced lately has got to be unbelievable. We are here for you. You mentioned how alone you feel, but you are not alone. I will be thinking of you. Cammie

Dear smvargo,
First of all, you probably will NOT die for a LONG time. I had a bad case and am still going strong going on 5 years. I watched the Linda McCartney Story on t.v. and it helped me to understand some of the stuff I was going through. I am a poet and teacher by trade, but AFTER I got the cancer I started writing simple songs. Give yourself time to get some distance before you write aboout the cancer. Write about the ordinary things that give you joy--like green tea or daffodils or the sunshine in your room! Start there. It will help you to heal, too, focusing on the GOOD things! I read some books by people who had cancer and that's how I wrote the poem Brother Cancer. See my poetry and one song (A Great White Light)in the Expressions Gallery of this site--by Maggs! Maybe it will inspire you. Time will help you. Get in touch with God. Live each day, one at a time, and you will write again. We are all going to die of something one day--think about LIVING! Maggs

You are not alone, my cancer diagnosed Sept 99, I was just married for one year, we were going on a cruise the week I had my lumpectomy. Surgery was done with a fever, my biopsy had become infected. I told them but the operated anyway and sent me home in 24 hours, I was back in 2 days spiking a bad fever. Next 3 days consisted of antibiotic infusions. The oncologist came, he said you have a less than 1 centimeter tumor, but it has spread to 10 out of 12 lymph nodes. We will need to treat you very agressively. My brain shut down, all I could think about was dying. I was 47 and newly married for the second time, we have 5 children total. I was a very vital creative energetic person, my family was devastated. Long story short I participated in a clinical trial along with 2 kinds of chemo for 4 months, then on the 5th, I had a autogolous stem cell transplant and it was followed with 6 weeks of radiation. I never called and spoke to a support group. I am concerned about side effects mostly from the stem cell transplant so that is why I went looking and found this site. The treatment was awful, but I focused on my friend's and family and lots of prayer. I went from vital to invalid in a matter of months. I went from never being sick to a year long illness and doctor visits far into my future. I was terrified for myself and my family. I went to work June of 2000 two weeks after my radiation finished and I am trying all the time to improve my odds for the future. My grandmother died of colon cancer but no one could remember if any of my aunts had breast cancer. We found one that did and another that has been treated since I was. I was getting mammograms every year and I let one go and it was about a year and a half. Boy did I ever kick myself because we all know that if diagnosed early, I would have only needed radiation. I tell everyone get those done! I was put into menopause early also, could not take Tamoxifen so am taking Arimidex with no problems. I pray that you will always stay positive. I believe Prayer and being positive is why I am still here. Good luck you will start to feel better, it is all consuming when you have cancer. I hate the word. A lot of us pretend we don't have it and that is how we cope. Take care.