Long Term effects (physical/emotional)

pittsburghpete said:

A couple of thoughts from a guy who had treatment in 1969 and 1970 after being diagnosed Stage IIIA. The chemo back then was only MOPP, no ABVD. The radiation machines were more primitive, there was no shielding of the heart or coronary arteries, and the accuracy of the machines compared to today's equipment was probably like comparing a stone age spear to a smart bomb. I dont know what nupogeon is since we didnt have it, all I took to keep up my resistance was vitamin C.

It took maybe a year before I felt my vigor returning. The docs told me it would be a few weeks or a few months, but it took a long time, and the same for the nerves in my neck to grow back to where it felt normal again. I was depressed because I thought 1) why me and 2) I wont survive this, I am not the tough survivor type. I worried for years about recurrances.

I started to get serious about my health in the late 80s, then drifted back for a while to unhealthy lifestyle, then got back on a better track a few years ago. I recently did a three day bike trip...no huge mileage, less than 80 miles, although I have done some one day rides of over 35 miles. I've lifted weights till I am stronger than I was at 25 (though I'm no Arnold S.).

All those years I worried about recurrances were a silly waste of energy and concern. I gained nothing from them. I should have started the exercise a few months after finishing therapy, and it would probably have relieved the depression.

I was never much of a babe magnet, neither before Hodgkin's nor after, but I did manage to get married to a great woman and we have 2 kids. I think you would do yourself a world of good if you 1)started exercising regularly, just doing whatever is comfortable for you, 2) watch the booze, drunks usually look pretty stupid to sober people, 3) realize that much of romantic success is really connecting with a kindred soul. The babe magnets are sending out lots of signals that they are interested in women that they really are not interested in, but want to score with...is that really the kind of man you want to be, emotionally deceptive? You've just cheated death...you could easily have had asymptomatic cancer spread quietly through your body for years. Live a meaningful existence, not a shallow one. You write like a guy with a good brain in his head, and that has to count for something with intelligent women. As to career stress, that's a tough one, but you are in the same boat as a lot of other people. Some aspects of earning a living you cant do much to control, but you can control many other things in your life...how you look (to some degree), how you feel, whether or not you conduct yourself honorably with others. These things are damn important in a variety of relationships...romance, friendship, business.

Sorry if I rambled too much. At any rate, your fatigue will pass, exercise will help everything, drinking to excess with help nothing. Oh, and on the drinking, your liver has already been kicked around a lot disposing of all that chemo that was pumped into you, the booze on top of it probably is worse than for ordinary folk.

And one last thought. If it comes back, OF COURSE YOU WANT TO FIGHT IT. Dont even think any other way.

Hang in there bro.

bluerose said:

24 year survivor of NHL here
Hello Ultraman. What you are describing is a situation experienced by many survivors. I think that generally all of this catches many by surprise seeing that they are so into dealing with the life and death decisions of treatments and prognosis along the way. When treatments are over and they have time to think things like depression and some of hte other things you mentioned start to creep in. If there is a recurrance then add to that all the emotional issues that brings to the table on top of everything else.

Lately I have been really thinking alot about depression and moodiness of cancer survivors through treatment and afterwards and more and more I am starting to think that it's not just psychological but actual changes that take place in the body makeup due to radiation/chemo. I mean think about it. We are bombarded with radiation, in your case for a whole month, and technicians are scrambling to get out of the room and away from what is coming straight at us. Why? Damage. Same thing with chemo. These treatments are harsh and have many side effects in many cases and sometimes I just don't think the body survives it all in many ways. I mean it can get better over time but in some cases I think that emotional issues that were once thought to be solely psychological I feel can well be pysiological too, have caused real changes in our makeup so that we see it as being more moody and irritable and angry.

I know that during my treatments years ago there were times when I would get so angry and lash out and then think 'where the heck did that come from?'. I would chalk it up to stress and oh ya there was stress too but more and more even stress has been linked to causing real physiological changes in a person's makeup so now I think you might see where changes might well be happening that we are unaware of too. On top of that just the normal dealing with our own mortality on it's own can lead us to depression and of course everyone deals with all of this in their own way and at their own speed.

Something in what you wrote made me think that maybe you initially were sort of in denial too about your situation. Being 'level headed' really has not a heck of alot to do with being told you have cancer, it's about survival and that can bring on new feelings that you have never experienced before. You go through life with regular challenges and take them on in your own way and then WHAM you are hit with your own mortality - that can change a person right there.

Don't be hard on yourself, what you are talking about is pretty normal, the fatigue is a very common side effect of treatments, even years later.

My suggestion to you is that you talk with someone who deals with cancer patients and survivors in a professional sense, just to touch base as to where you are in the whole process and if you are stuck in any of the common stages that all of us will go through like grief, anger, why me, stuff like that. Also I would even before the counsellor talk with your own family doctor about your depression. Depression is an issue that can get out of hand really fast and the fact that you are drinking more is an indication that you aren't handling things in a healthy way. So first and soon I would get to you family doctor about the depression. Depression can be handled but if ignored - well you get the drift.

Many people have a hard time asking for help and I get that, I was the same in the beginning. But why? Why make an already hard situation harder by not reaching out - trust me you will be glad you did when you make that contact with your doc and with a good counsellor. Seek out a referral from your doctor for a good counsellor who deals with cancer survivors/patients - don't just choose someone from the yellow pages.

I check in with a counsellor now and again even after 24 years of dealing with all of this. Over the years we tend to go through different stages and if recurrances happen all the more reason to seek support. You will find this site very helpful as well as the people on these boards understand you because we have all been there.

All the best and remember, you are not alone.

Blessings,

Bluerose