Depression

You have been through so much. It is the cumulative effect catching up with you. We can be brave on a moment to moment basis for just so long before each of us "hits the wall." Expanders lead toward a good thing, but are an added issue on top of everything else. I also rely very heavily on the ability to find the humor value in every given situation, but have learned that some things are just not funny. Or maybe it is more like that on some days, things are just not funny. A lot of time, I find that simple normal activities like grocery shopping offer an oasis of normalcy. During the past 3 weeks, I've taken each of the cats up to the vet to have their shots updated as much for my own equilibrium as for their wellbeing. When you feel the way you are feeling now, it is hard to imagine that the future holds many joyful days for you. I rely strongly on the fact that it is hard to imagine that the stars are still in the sky when a mantle of clouds obscure all celestial delights. On a rational level, I can accept the fact that the stars are still there, and sure enough, I do get to see them again when the clouds pass. I'm sorry I cannot come up with anything better than that, Cammie, and even more sorry that you are having that kind of week. Hugs, Denise

Hi Cammie:

What you're experiencing is perfectly normal. At some point, we each hit a wall, as Denise described. That wall can be different at different times and for different reasons. IT'S OK. Go ahead and let yourself cry it out.

Holding everything in and trying valiantly to show everyone just how peachy we are getting along, will, sooner or later, need addressing. When it's time to cry, go ahead and make no apologies about it. If we can feel so sad for a dear friend or loved one going through such an ordeal, then surely we can allow ourselves to express our own sadness, anger, frustration, fear, and/or depression. I think it's all part of being kind to ourselves and treating ourselves like someone we love and care for.

Sometimes, theres this aura of "oh you're so strong". It snowballs and gets bigger and bigger. Pretty soon, we may come to think that if we cry or feel down, that people will be disappointed or upset. Truth is, we have our strong moments and we have our less strong moments and we must give credit to the value of both. WE HAVE to acknowledge both as part of our experience. I think it's the only way we can find balance and find emotional solid ground. Recovery is WORK. Allowing ourselves to feel sad is not a betrayal and certainly isn't a sign of weakness. Rather, it's part of our recovery. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Longer and longer stretches of better and better days WILL arrive! DON'T get down on yourself or feel that you're not allowed to grieve for all you've been through. I think the Suzie Sunshine
demeanor you've maintained thus far is quite miraculous!

So, go ahead, lighten your load. All you have to lose is some emotional baggage which only gets heavier and heavier the longer we try to carry it around.

Hope you're feeling brighter really soon.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink