Grieving after death

I know the feeling, and I think it is independent of how a loved one passes away. I'm a lot older than you, but miss my parents, one of whom died of cancer, the other of heart disease, within the past few years. It is a function of loving people that it hurts to lose them.

I suggest trying to broaden your circle of friends. Friends usually dont "break up" with you, they don't have hidden motives for appearing supportive of you when they are not, and you dont lose them when you break up with a boyfriend or spouse.

Do you have any interests that could translate into group activities? Hiking, bicycling, etc? There's a double benefit to sharing healthy outdoor activities; I find long duration, moderate exercise helps clear up my mind and lets me think more efficiently about how to deal with problems.

Just my two cents.

My mom just passed away in April of this year. She was 48..8 days shy of her 49th birthday. I am 20. I was in the room alone when she took her last breath. The nurses were outside arguing about their lunch break. I swear. I didn't cry then or even at the memorial that I put together. It was a big memorial. About 90 people. A lot of my family was there, but like you, I don't have any brothers or sisters and my parents were divorced long ago. I am back in college this year and for the first time about a week ago, I got upset about her death. My mom and I were very close even before she got sick but after she got sick it only strengthed our relationship. I guess i'm lucky in that i don't have any regrets about her wondering if i loved her or not. she knew. and i knew likewise. But I got upset because when I go home for winter break this year I know that she won't be there. Or that the house won't be decorated for the holidays. I find that it's the smaller things that are hard to deal with. However, I had been dating this guy for over 2 years when she passed away. He tried to be there sort of,but I think it was too much for him and he ended up calling us off..i dunno, maybe i changed because of it. But what it comes down to, is that you have to be okay with yourself i think. i don't think i've dealt with it yet..but you've kept it in for 6 years and i don't think i'll be able to stay productive if i continue down that path. no one seems to get that. and although my friends care, they don't get it. i don't talk about it with them because i think they feel bad and i don't want to be the downer in the group. i guess this wasn't helpful for you. but i just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and if you want to vent i understand wbat you're going through.

i'm new too in this website. My father died in january 1992 from a liver cancer (i think so), as i was ten. At that time I thought it didn't have an effect on me, but then, when my mother died from bone cancer in september 2000 (supposedly a great year!), i understood by reacting exactly the same way during the years after, that it had a big effect on me. And the hardest are the 2 years afterwords. Both of my parents lived 1 year ill. I was assisting my mom in her last three months, and i was on my own, in my brother's appartment in south of france (I'm french), my brother working in Holland, and with no family nor friends around. That were the three most horrible years of my life. Seeing your own parent, the one whom you've seen since you were born, confronting death, knowing she's going to die, but not wanting to believe it. My duty was to help her mentally, so that she would want to fight more against cancer. But she died, and i failed. when she died, i was feeling like I was nothing anymore, really, nothing. She had died, then I was like dead too. But i had felt so much pain during those three months, that i didn't know that i was feeling so bad. And just like you, i needed to call her, to hear her voice. Everytime something new would happen to me, my first reaction would be to want to call her. But i couldn't, so sometimes I would just talk to her, as if she was there with me. But most of the time, i would write her letters. I wrote her so many letters during the first months, and then, gradually, I stopped. The best thing I did in order to feel better was to go see a psychologist once a week and talk about it with my friends during the week. It helped me a lot. During the first months after her death, I was feeling so restless, i needed peace that i would sometimes try to take by spending a whole afternoon lying on the grass, under nice trees, reading a book on my own. I didn't know it at that time, but this was hell. Now I know, because I feel better, and seeing a psychologist still helps me. I stopped seeing a psychologist 2 years after her death, and this year, i would be crying every week, finding any reason to cry, but the true reason was my mom. I still need her so much. Now, it's been two years that I'm going out with the greatest guy. He and his family helped me so much, and still help me. But I just feel the same way, that whatever love they can bring me, they will never be able to give me the love of a mother, a parent, the one love that never disappears, whatever you do, wherever you are, they're always there for you. And now, I'm all alone, nobody will never be here again for me forever like she was. I love her so much, and I need her so much. And if it still hurts a lot talking about her- I still don't feel peaceful yet- believe me, talking about her with a psychologist is the best way to feel better.
i hope you'll find your own peace soon