Boyfriend left me

run1day
run1day Member Posts: 2
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Has this happened to anyone else? I am 45, my husband died 8 years ago of brain cancer. I have breast cancer in situ. My boyfriend, whom I love and thought loved me, held my hand at the surgeon's appt., took me to surgery, called me 3 times a day after surgery to see if I needed anything. Then, 10 days later, just when I'm about to start radiation, he says everything has gotten to him, there's way too much pressure with his work, his ex-wife, no time for himself, etc. and said he wants his space. I've been a mess, an emotional mess. I haven't been eating or able to work out like I want or need to. I did 3 triathlons last summer! I'm a mess, can anyone help who has been through this??

Comments

  • sassysally
    sassysally Member Posts: 150
    #2
    My 1 st husband at the appt with the oncologist was only concerned on when I could have kids, not if I would live, just when could I have kids. The day of mastectomy he was at the hospital with me. Talking to everyone about football. After surgery, they were rolling me up the hall on the gurney. He asked how I was, I said fine. He said great got to go. He left and thats the last I ever saw of him. People handle things differently. I hope that you have other support around you. Your boyfriend just doesn't know what he has in you. A strong cancer SURVIVOR! I know that you are heartbroken, but not eating isn't going to make him come back, it will just make you weak and sick, and then the cancer has won. I'll be there for you. You talk to me, yell at me, laugh with me or cry with me. I've been there, and I am a better person because he left than if he would have stayed. I want someone committed to me, not to everything and everyone else. I have had breast cancer 3 times. If you need anything let me know. I share your heartache, but this to will pass. Don't make this situation all consuming. You need to take care of yourself, so that you'll be here to talk to me and all of the people in your life who appreciate you and your incredible strength. I do. You are a wonderful person. Again, need anything, I AM HERE. Try to smile, laugh and know you are definately not alone. Sara
  • geral
    geral Member Posts: 130
    #3
    Hello,

    First, I'm really sorry about your husband's death. Next, shame on your boyfriend for leaving you when you need him most.

    I'm 46 yrs. old. Two years ago, my boyfriend left me during the middle of cancer treatment also.

    My story...In June of 2000, two days before my biopsy which revealed breast cancer, I saw my ex-boyfriend whom I had dated for 5 years at a party. We hadn't seen each other for 15 years! He told me how much he still loved me and that I was the only girl he'd ever really been in love with and wanted to get back together. I told him what I was possibly facing with the biopsy. He was very supportive. That next week when I was diagnosed with cancer, he was still supportive. I told him that I would understand if he didn't want to go thru it with me since we hadn't dated for 15 years. In fact, I tried to give him an easy out. He said he was 'in it for the long haul'. Said if I tried to get rid of him, he'd be knocking at my door.

    Worse than my having cancer, my mother died of a stroke on 12/14/00. It was awful losing her. Going thru chemo at the same time made it even harder for me to deal with. My boyfriend took me to Mama's funeral on 12/17 and spent the nite with me. 12/18 morning, he dropped me off at my last chemo (which was to be followed by 33 rads) and that was the last time I saw him!

    Oh, and get this...two months later, he sent me a dozen roses on Valentine's Day-like that would make up for everything!-HA! I didn't even respond!

    Honestly, while we were dating the 6 mos. before he left me, I didn't think we would be together indefinitely. So our breakup as a couple didn't hurt me as much as the fact that a friend could leave me during the worst time of my life.

    If your boyfriend can't be there for you during bad times, ask yourself do you really want him during your good times?

    You must have tremendous inner strength as well as physical strength in order to participate in triathalons. Draw upon your inner strength and move on! He doesn't deserve you.

    I wish you well during your treatments. They'll be over before you know it!

    Take care,
    Geral
  • run1day
    run1day Member Posts: 2
    #4
    geral said:

    Hello,

    First, I'm really sorry about your husband's death. Next, shame on your boyfriend for leaving you when you need him most.

    I'm 46 yrs. old. Two years ago, my boyfriend left me during the middle of cancer treatment also.

    My story...In June of 2000, two days before my biopsy which revealed breast cancer, I saw my ex-boyfriend whom I had dated for 5 years at a party. We hadn't seen each other for 15 years! He told me how much he still loved me and that I was the only girl he'd ever really been in love with and wanted to get back together. I told him what I was possibly facing with the biopsy. He was very supportive. That next week when I was diagnosed with cancer, he was still supportive. I told him that I would understand if he didn't want to go thru it with me since we hadn't dated for 15 years. In fact, I tried to give him an easy out. He said he was 'in it for the long haul'. Said if I tried to get rid of him, he'd be knocking at my door.

    Worse than my having cancer, my mother died of a stroke on 12/14/00. It was awful losing her. Going thru chemo at the same time made it even harder for me to deal with. My boyfriend took me to Mama's funeral on 12/17 and spent the nite with me. 12/18 morning, he dropped me off at my last chemo (which was to be followed by 33 rads) and that was the last time I saw him!

    Oh, and get this...two months later, he sent me a dozen roses on Valentine's Day-like that would make up for everything!-HA! I didn't even respond!

    Honestly, while we were dating the 6 mos. before he left me, I didn't think we would be together indefinitely. So our breakup as a couple didn't hurt me as much as the fact that a friend could leave me during the worst time of my life.

    If your boyfriend can't be there for you during bad times, ask yourself do you really want him during your good times?

    You must have tremendous inner strength as well as physical strength in order to participate in triathalons. Draw upon your inner strength and move on! He doesn't deserve you.

    I wish you well during your treatments. They'll be over before you know it!

    Take care,
    Geral

    I appreciate your response, really I do. I just don't understand. How can someone spend the night with you (as my boyfriend did, and yours), interact with my children like he's their father, know what I went through, and then throw up his hands that there's so much pressure and it'd be easier to not have a girlfriend right now? I tried to be compassionate, caring, understanding said I knew what pressure he was under, but I didnt ask him for ANYTHING. My family said he acted like a "husband" in talking with the surgeons, etc. Truly took over, and then leaves me? Do they ever come back???
  • geral
    geral Member Posts: 130
    #5
    run1day said:

    I appreciate your response, really I do. I just don't understand. How can someone spend the night with you (as my boyfriend did, and yours), interact with my children like he's their father, know what I went through, and then throw up his hands that there's so much pressure and it'd be easier to not have a girlfriend right now? I tried to be compassionate, caring, understanding said I knew what pressure he was under, but I didnt ask him for ANYTHING. My family said he acted like a "husband" in talking with the surgeons, etc. Truly took over, and then leaves me? Do they ever come back???

    I understand your struggle with the 'why's' and 'how's'. It's possible your boyfriend suddenly realized that his role had become or felt like it had become husband/father, and he's not ready for such a commitment. And yes it's possible that he may come back. Any way you look at it, it was extremely self-centered for him to bale out when you need him most. I'm sorry he did this to you.

    Please try to focus on YOU... EAT and GET WELL! I know it's easier said that done.

    I'll be checking this post again next week if you want to 'talk' about it anymore.

    Take care,
    Geral
  • livin
    livin Member Posts: 318 Member
    #6
    First of all take care of you. Please Eat even if its small feeding a few times a day. Its about you now, you need to stay strong and fight this Cancer. NO BODY CAN BUT YOU. I know you are hurting now, but one day you will look back at this situation. Judging from your name run1day I know you have hope courage and determination to go on. NO MATTER WHAT. Just stay strong it will pass. Keep running if you are able to. I like to say after having Cancer, It makes me strong. Some times fearless to a point.
  • j300
    j300 Member Posts: 2
    #7
    Had you thought about finding a good counselor to help you focus on ways of coping with this very difficult problem? With a counselor you can talk, shout, be angry and say how you really feel without feeling guilty. As for eating, I agree with livin, eat four or five times a day and just eat small amounts. How about those canned drinks that a person can substitute for a meal and milkshakes with a couple of eggs in them. Since I consider myself a lady, I won't tell you what I think of your former "friend"!!!! Know that people care about you and hang in there.

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