My Dad is Gone

Donna said:

Thank you all for your kind responses. It's so hard to cope with this loss. Cancer is so horrible! I can't believe with all the research that's been done on it all these years that they can't come up with better treatments and screening. I am so angry right now and know that I have to get past it because nothing is going to bring him back.

cabbott said:

To Sad_Boy
Dear Sad Boy,

Lung Cancer is a nasty beast and no one will rejoice more than I will when a cure is found. It was NOT YOUR FAULT that your Dad died. Crazy cells that don't belong in a lung or his body disrupted his body's function and immune system and unfortunately we don't have the effective treatments we need yet to make those nasty varmits vanish. I remember visiting my Grandfather when he was at end-stage prostrate cancer. (I knew he had prostrate cancer, but we thought he just had an eating disorder at the time because he wouldn't eat.) He was breathing funny(kind of roughly like a rattle) and not responding to me that night. I was worried about getting close or even visiting at all as I had a bit of a cold, but I wanted to see him and thought it would be okay if I didn't get too close. I didn't want to give my cold to him, but I knew how much we both enjoyed seeing each other. I didn't stay long as a result of the cold and besides, he wasn't up to responding to my visit which was unlike him. He didn't talk to me or anything. I told the nurse as I left who got a funny look on her face and rushed off. The next day I got a call from my Dad who said that my Grandfather had died that night about 1 to 2 hours after I had left. I was very upset and not just because I missed my Grandfather. I thought in the back of my head that maybe my visit had killed him. Maybe I had given him a cold or pneumonia that was the last straw. He had played cards and beat us all soundly the week before, but that night he was breathing funny and maybe it was my fault. I was really worried that maybe I was what caused his death even though I know I took precautions not to as much as breathe on him or spread germs by touching him. I didn't know at the time that his prostrate cancer was the cause of his death. And I certainly didn't know that the change in his breathing and appetite was a sign that the end was nearing. The nurse did and she had hurriedly called my Dad so he could be with his father at the end. After I voiced my thoughts weeks after the funeral, my parents assured me that the doctors had found cancer riddling his body and that that was what had killed him. They hadn't discussed the doctor's reports because they didn't want to upset me with medical details when really that was what I needed. Reading a pamphlet put out by hospice on what to expect at the end further put my mind at ease. Not eating is very common with terminal stage cancer. I wish we had known so we hadn't fussed at him so much about not eating right. A change in breathing also, as I mentioned before, is normal too. It was not my fault that my Grandfather died and it is not your fault that your father passed away either. Just thought you might want to hear that even if you already knew it.

C. Abbott