divorce after cancer

I went through a similar situation, except that we were together for 10 yrs - 7 of them post cancer. One day I just realized that I hadn't ever dealt with my cancer, so I started to face it & heal mentally. My husband did not see the importance of what I was doing, and it ended up being a wedge between us that finally caused me to leave. Cancer changes you. It changes the way you look at life, and deal with issues. I've had to accept that some people who were in my life before, don't fit anymore. I know that I made the right decision though, because I'm happier than I've ever been before.

Dear Karie Allen,

I was diagnosed with teratocarcinoma, a form of testicular cancer, in 1980; completed chemotherapy in 1982; separated from my ten-year marriage in 1984; and, divorced in 1985.

Cancer changed us. I no longer desired the life that we had planned together. My wife saw cancer as a temporary distraction from what she believed was important. To be fair, I really did not care about my wife's problems. After all, I was the one with cancer!

There are a number of organizations which assist people through the process of healing following divorce. Your place of worship, community mental health center, or chamber of commerce can probably direct you to a comfortable group close to home. I found the Phoenix Ministry of the Catholic Church and Helpmates of the Lutheran Church.

My prayers are with you.

I was not married, but my girlfriend of almost 2 years left me because of my changes. It can not compare, but its still hurts. Everything was great between us, but it started when I would tell her not to show up on my chemo days. She would show up at the clinic, if not there at my house. I just didnt want to be seen. I was not going thru depression, but just didnt want to be seen. She wanted to be there for me, baby me, like if I had a cold, but this isnt a cold! She would listen, so I got rude, then she wouldnt understand why I was being rude. Whas I wrong for doing that? The best way she could of helped me is by leaving me be. I guess she took it the wrong way cause on my good days she wouldnt come around. I told her thats when I needed her, but I guess its one of those things that it cant be one way then change it the next. Chemo is a wicked thing, it changes a person. She never understood. Not untill I was all done with the chemo did she come around again, but my love for her was not the same. How could someone leave you when you most needed it? Did I really drive her away? I was just coping.

maneely said:

Yes! I went through a similar experience. I had always heard that cancer is a catalyst that would either destroy or strengthen a relationship. It changed me and brought into focus issues of importance that probably would have emerged eventually. My partner wanted to go into 100 percent denial mode -- pretend the whole thing never happened. Cancer is such a life-changing event, I was unable (and unwilling) to let that happen.

After the divorce, I moved to Arizona and began a new phase of my life. It's been scary, but also exilharating. Here I am, in my mid-40s, without a life partner and my children nearly grown and about to leave the nest. In many ways, I feel happier and emotionally stronger than ever before in my life!

But there is no denying that I can feel lonely from time to time. Yes, I have friends and acquaintances.... but I would love to connect on a deeper level with someone. Singles groups seem to have so many self-absorbed people who are focusing on all the unimportant details in their lives! Sometimes I think it would be great to have a singles group for those who have survived cancer. I don't know of any such group, though...

I wish you the very best. Draw on your inner courage, your faith, supportive friends and family. May you enjoy many years of health and happiness!

I'm new here and am going through breast cancer for the 2nd time. I've been married for 10 years. My first onset was in 1998. I'm having trouble with my husband not being supportive. His biggest hang up is having "other men (which are my doctors) putting their hands on my wife's breasts." My God, this is horrible for him to think that way. He wants me to find female doctors, have female techs and female nurses. Well I can't control what qualified medical personnel are in my city. He yells at me every time there's a male medical personnel in with me. What did he do? Did he touch you? Why didn't you ask for a female? I've got enough on my mind worrying about fighting this awful life changing situation without having him put more pressure on me. I love him very much and have always supported him 100% with his decisions. And get aload of this....our family doctor is female! HA! I have 10 more radiation treatments. I'll be done the day before Christmas. After the first of the year I'm considering taking my 9 & 10 yr old boys and leaving him. But, I have no job, no car and no money. What can I do? I'm so scared!!! Can someone please give me some advice? My husband is a very jealous and possesive man. Although I've never given him a reason to be jealous, that is exactly what he's acting like and I can't take it anymore. I deserve so much more. I'm a very devoted wife and mother. But through the years he has changed me. I'm no longer outgoing and peppy like I used to be and I miss my old self. Please, someone, help me!!!

My husband and I are going

My husband and I are going through a frightening divorce. Alcohol, violence, cheating and lying were the norms of my life before I had the courage to go the police. Just when I am getting my head around all this, I just got a Breast Cancer diagnosis last week. Have to have surgery again next week. Not sure of the stage but the tumor is just under 2 cms and this a grade 3 which is the fastest growing. I realize that my case is extreme but after reading your stories I see him as the angry, non-responsive anti caregiver, at the bar, garnering sympathy from all the women if he was still here. Hard to believe I am better off without him

 

you should start to face it &

you should start to face it & heal mentally. Cancer definitely changes you and the way you look at life, and deal with issues and way others look at you. You have to accept that some people who were in your life before, don't fit anymore. you must know that you made the right decision though, and you wiill be happier than ever been before.